Baby Daddy

My little guy chilling in the womb

Being a father is tough.

I should have realized this the moment my son was born and everyone pushed me out of the way to get to him. I think someone even asked, “Why don’t you go and load the car?” And you know what? I did.

I had become a third-class citizen.

Thankfully, this wore off once we got him home and everyone returned to their own domiciles. And every day since has been more interesting than the last.

There was the time that I was changing my son’s diaper, turned to grab a fresh one and turned back to see what can only be described as a “pee geyser” directly beside my head. It was like something out of Looney Tunes. And I’m proud to say not even a drop landed on me.

I wasn’t always that lucky.

Being peed on or pooped on or barfed on was never that big a deal for me. As a teenager, my friends would often pay me to clean up their drunken vomit at parties. And I always walked out with cash in my pocket. When I worked in a restaurant, I sometimes had to clean the public bathrooms, and you find some funky stuff in there, especially when there’s a bar less than twenty feet away.

I have a strong stomach, don’t get seasick, never need Dramamine and can normally handle anything my son can throw at me. The problem is that at five years old, he keeps throwing and throwing and throwing. The kid has an on/off switch that is usually stuck at “on.” And I’m no spring chicken, which makes it harder and harder to keep up with him.

Something tells me I will not survive his teenage years.

The good news is that while difficult, being a dad is awesome. Nothing in this world is better than your child hugging you and telling you that he loves you. Or imitating your behavior not because he’s genetically inclined to do so, but because he wants to be like you.

All this may change someday when I suddenly become the “bad guy”—again, I envision this happening once he hits thirteen—but for now, dad is a hero. And I’m relishing the role.

Do I have any advice for new dads out there? I certainly do.

Enjoy it for every second of every day, gentlemen. Oh, and watch out for those teenage years, too. Lord knows I am.