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Schwarzenegger comes clean

Cover of "Red Sonja"

Red Sonja

The Associated Press just reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to having a “hot affair” with semi-talented actress Brigitte Nielsen during the 1985 filming of “Red Sonja.” He and Maria Shriver were dating and even living together at the time.

This comes as no surprise since Arnold’s marital problems with Maria have been well-documented and include an affair with a live-in housekeeper that spawned a love child.

It seems that poor Arnold just can’t keep his “bald bodybuilder” in the gym, if you know what I mean.

Sadly, I can understand why Arnold hooked up with Brigitte. Anyone who has seen “Red Sonja” knows that it barely qualifies as entertainment. And since so little skill and effort were put into its production, the actors likely had nothing better to do than “bump uglies.”

It beats the hell out of standing around and doing nothing, right? Of course, I’m sure Maria would disagree. She was sitting at home and waiting for Arnold to return, after all.

Having been a fan of Schwarzenegger since just after “Pumping Iron,” which didn’t appeal to me given all the man ass and sausage-packed Speedos, I am trying to understand why he simply cannot control himself. At heart, I know Arnold is a good person. He has a big ego and can be quite arrogant, of course, but he’s still a decent man. So that’s not the problem.

I also know Arnold is mounting a cinematic comeback that includes his recent appearance in “Expendables 2,” as well as a starring role in Kim Jee-woon‘s action film “The Last Stand,” due to hit theaters next year.

Given all this information, I think I’ve finally figured this out.

Terminator (character)

Terminator (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Arnold is Arnold, so there will always be women chasing after him. Maybe not so many these days, but in his prime, I’m sure he was quite the chick magnet. And since Arnold is friendly and enjoys women, he indulges them. Sometimes things get sexual and he can’t stop himself. And why should be stop himself anyway? He’s Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger!

Unfortunately, it’s the post-coitus period that causes Arnold’s problems. With so much blood directed away from his brain, he gets a little dizzy and disoriented. Catch phrases from his past films are all he can remember, so he tells each woman, “I’ll be back.” And since he’s such a nice guy, he keeps true to his word.

Hey, it’s as good an explanation as any!


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