Monthly Archives: February 2013

Crotches Kill!

Watch the road, punk! (courtesy of the Alberta Transportation Department)

I know I’ve written about this before, but few things annoy and frustrate me more than bad drivers.

No matter where I go, what I’m trying to do or how rushed I am, some sorry driver always gets in the way. Not only that, but they often pull out in front of me when they could have waited for ten seconds and easily pulled in behind me. And Heaven forbid there’s rain or ice on the roads, because that only exacerbates bad driving.

Of course, nothing reinforces it more than the bane of my driving existence: the cell phone.

When I was a kid, I remember people poking fun when someone couldn’t multi-task: “I guess you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, huh?” At the time, it just seemed like good-natured ribbing. But in the context of bad driving, specifically the kind resulting from cell phone use, this makes so much sense.

I have no idea what makes it so challenging, but it seems as if the general populace struggles with driving and using a cell phone at the same time. Simple calls cause many of them to slow down to a crawl, drift off the road and onto the shoulder, or slam on brakes unexpectedly and, in most cases, for no good reason.

I doubt any of these calls are life-threatening. And if you ask me, the majority of them could probably wait until people reached their destinations, parked their cars and got the hell out of the way so people like me could drive stress-free. Unfortunately, that rarely (if ever) happens.

Probably the worst thing about cell phone use in automobiles involves the one thing that diverts people’s attention more than anything else: text messaging. If people have trouble making basic phone calls while driving, then punching out a long text message to a friend could be close to impossible.

Judging from the way these people drive while they’re doing it, I know this assessment is correct. And I guess these folks don’t realize that with most new phones, voice commands can be used to send text messages, too.

I don’t give them much credit for being alert or aware enough to pick up on this, though.

Text messaging while driving is a huge problem in America and causes all sorts of accidents each year. Unfortunately, though, very little legislation has been passed to address this growing problem. Sure, we have laws in place that could result in tickets for drivers seen using their cell phones, but I have my doubts whether this is strongly enforced or not.

I mean, I’ve never received a ticket for it. Even when I pass cops while chatting on the phone, they never seem to notice and may not even care. After all, I still manage to drive like a normal person while I’m doing it, unlike most of the drivers they likely see.

Women do it, too! (courtesy of the Alberta Transportation Department)

The good news is that our neighbors to the north are taking action to stop text messaging while driving. I am of course referring to Canada and, more specifically, to traffic and safety officials in Alberta.

Since I’m talking about Canada, I want to give a quick shout-out to my buddy Kara in British Columbia. What up, sister?

Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.

As I was saying, the Alberta Transportation Department just launched an advertising campaign with an unforgettable tagline: “Crotches Kill.”

And no, they are not referring to venereal diseases or unwanted pregnancies; they’re talking about text messaging, most of which takes place in drivers’ laps.

The campaign is designed to remind Canadian motorists that for the five or so seconds they stare at their phones (or their crotches) to text message, their attention strays from the road. And the end result could be fatal, as we all know.

Whether this ad campaign will work to reduce text-related fatalities remains to be seen, but this definitely seems like a step in the right direction. And the fact that the ATD is using such an edgy and catchy slogan only means more people are likely to pay attention to it. If only transportation officials in the US would take notice.

I don’t know about you, but I miss the days when the only people who focused on their crotches while driving were public masturbators or exhibitionists!

The Trees Strike Back!

They’re coming for us! (courtesy of Seth MacFarlane/FOX)

Every so often, scouring the news sites illuminates patterns that are sometimes good, but most often bad.

This is one of the bad ones.

For as long as I remember, climate change has been an important and largely unaddressed issue in this country and around the world. It almost seems like some huge catastrophe must befall humankind before someone finally asks, “Is it possible that climate change is to blame for this?” And in many cases, it is. Yet mere weeks after natural disasters occur, this sudden attention to the environment fades and we’re right back where we started.

Well, let me tell you: Mother Nature is not happy. As evidence, I present the following stories. Sure, some of the events described could be the simple result of human error, but I suspect something darker and more disturbing may be involved.

To me, it seems as if the trees are lashing out. And honestly, who could blame them?

Our first story comes from Indiana Township in Pennsylvania. Last weekend, 30-year-old Jason Drew was clearing trees when a large branch fell and killed him instantly. Apparently, the chainsaw he was using got stuck and when he and a buddy tried to dislodge it, a large limb snapped and fell on him. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Trees 1, Humans 0.

A second tree-related incident occurred on Monday afternoon in Duvall, Washington. For unknown reasons, a van driven by 43-year-old woman suddenly veered off the road, slipped into a shallow ditch and hit a tree. Seconds later, the tree snapped and fell onto the vehicle, impaling the windshield and pinning the driver down.

Fortunately, a man driving a truck behind the van witnessed the accident and immediately came to her aid. Using a pocket knife, he cut the seat belt from her neck because she was turning blue. Then he and several others stayed with the driver until help arrived. She was later airlifted to Harborview Medical Center and, as far as I know, is expected to make a full recovery.

Better safe than sorry (courtesy of A. Litke)

Trees 2, Humans 0.

Our final story comes from Rockdale County, Georgia. On Tuesday afternoon, 60-year-old Roy Arndt of Oxford was driving down Interstate 20 when a tree suddenly fell on his pickup truck. He died instantly and the accident caused several smaller accidents, as well as a two-hour delay for commuters anxious to get to work… if such a person even exists. I don’t know that many people anxious to start their workdays.

This brings the final score of Trees versus Humans to 3-0 in favor of our tall, green, bark-covered friends. Granted, these were all accidents and blaming them on trees may seem ridiculous, but my question is this: What if these weren’t accidents?

Since we can’t be sure, it’s probably best that we appreciate the trees around us before we become their next targets. And I don’t plan on taking any chances!

Danger in Higher Education

This should not be among students’ school supplies (courtesy of Jupiter Images)

When most people think of colleges and universities, the same images normally come to mind: classes, professors, athletic events, clubs, organizations, social gatherings, graduation, diplomas… the usual.

These days, however, there are some other images creeping into this picture: guns and violent behavior. And yesterday, these images were reinforced even further.

As sad as I am to report on my home, the Carolinas, I’m afraid we made national news recently because of a shooting on the campus of Coastal Carolina University in Conway, South Carolina.

According to the latest reports, an unidentified suspect shot and killed a student in one of the residence halls on Tuesday. The victim was Anthony Darnell Liddell, a 19-year-old from Bennettsville. Following the shooting, the suspect fled and police are still searching for him now. As a result, the school remains on lock down.

Since I work on a small college campus, stories like this always attract my attention because honestly, the same thing could happen here almost any time. No matter how much security you have in place, how well you treat the people around you or how safe you think you are, the fact is that a disgruntled or unstable individual could snap at any time and start “popping caps” into everyone he sees.

I use the pronoun “he” because in most cases, school shooters are male. Heaven forbid that women start reacting violently because life in higher education could be much, much worse.

Just for the record, here are some of the most notable examples of gun violence on college campuses in recent years. They are all cause for concern and taken together, it seems as if a destructive pattern is forming that could jeopardize everything for which higher education stands.

OCTOBER 2002: Robert Flores Jr., a 41-year-old student at the University of Arizona’s nursing school, shot and killed three female professors, followed by himself.

SEPTEMBER 2006: Kimveer Gill, a 25-year-old student at Dawson College, opened fire with a semi-automatic weapon, killing one students and injuring a dozen others, faculty included. Obviously, Gill then turned the gun on himself, which is par-for-the-course in most of these incidents.

The Virginia Tech shooter (courtesy of Reuters)

APRIL 2007: This is the shooting that brought national attention to the issue of gun violence on college and university campuses. I am of course referring to the massacre at Virginia Tech University. 23-year-old Cho Seung-Hui murdered two people in his dorm and then went on a killing spree that ended with 33 dead and 15 wounded. The final fatality was, of course, Seung-Hui himself.

SEPTEMBER 2007: Loyer Brandon, a freshman at Delaware State University, shot and wounded several of his fellow freshmen but fortunately, no one was killed. Brandon was charged with attempted murder, assault, a gun violation and reckless endangerment. And this is one of the happy endings.

FEBRUARY 2008: Nursing programs must be stressful because in this example, a nursing student at Louisiana Technical College in Baton Rouge shot and killed two women and then herself. Perhaps anger and stress management courses should be added to nursing curriculums.

FEBRUARY 2008: This was a bad month for college shootings. After the killings in Louisiana, 5 students perished and another 17 were wounded at Northern Illinois University when Stephen Kazmierczak opened fire in a classroom. Kazmierczak was a former graduate student at the university.

FEBRUARY 2010: Amy Bishop, a biology professor in Huntsville, Alabama, was denied tenure a year earlier and responded by shooting her colleagues. Three professors were killed and another three were injured in her attack. I guess denying her tenure was the right decision, huh?

MARCH 2010: An employee at Ohio State University received an unsatisfactory job evaluation and reacted by killing two fellow employees and wounding another. And yes, his weapon of choice was a handgun.

Amy Bishop from Alabama University (courtesy of ABC News)

MAY 2011: Three people were killed in a parking garage at San Jose State University, including two former students and the gunman, who died at the hospital later that day.

DECEMBER 2011: Poor Virginia Tech. During this incident, a 22-year-old student from Radford University shot and killed a police office on the VTU campus. Like the San Jose killing, this also occurred in a parking area on campus.

APRIL 2012: A 43-year-old former student at Oikos University in California, a Christian institution populated primarily by Koreans and Korean-Americans, opened fire on campus and killed seven people, wounding a handful of others.

When you consider these shootings in higher education and then include all the gun violence in elementary schools and such, one thing becomes very clear: even educational institutions are not safe from violent people and violent behavior.

In fact, I would argue that no one is ever safe in this country. Even innocent people trying to enjoy a new Batman film have been massacred by an unstable and violent individual.

You just never know.

I think what bothers me the most about all these shootings on college campuses is that I view institutions of higher learning the same way others view churches: as sacred places that provide opportunities for self-exploration, personal growth and development. People like me may be among the minority now, I’m sad to say. And we’re a dying breed.

Literally.

It’s time to stop the violence, people. And instead of picking up a gun every time you have a problem, I suggest taking a more mature and responsible approach: deal with it. We all have problems. The difference is that most of us tackle them without resorting to murder and suicide.

Feel free to join us.

Balloon of Doom

Delight or death trap? (courtesy of AP)

In 1989, two hot air balloons in Australia collided, killing 13 people.

In 2009, a balloon in Luxor, Egypt hit a cell phone tower, injuring 16 tourists.

And in 2013—yesterday, in fact—another hot air balloon in Luxor ran into trouble and by the time the smoke cleared, 19 people were dead.

It was the worst hot air balloon disaster in decades. Yet another depressing milestone for mankind.

I don’t know all the details, but I heard the balloon was nearly on the ground when a fire suddenly broke out. A witness said it then shot way up in the air, split apart and fell 1000 feet to the earth below.

Only two people survived the crash: a Brit and the pilot. Big surprise there.

Among the dead—and I apologize for rambling off countries instead of victims’ names—were four from Japan, three from England, nine from Hong Kong, two from France and one from Hungary.

In other words, there are a lot of grieving families all over the world tonight. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Way to Go, Seth!

Why is everybody always picking on me? (courtesy of ABC News)

If you missed the Academy Awards last night, then you also missed who I felt was one of the best hosts in recent years: the hilarious and politically incorrect Seth MacFarlane.

For those who don’t know, MacFarlane is the creator of such animated hits as Family Guy, American Dad! and The Cleveland Show. He also wrote and directed the 2012 Mark Wahlberg comedy Ted, the main character of which is a talking bear that, you guessed it, MacFarlane voiced.

A true Renaissance man, at least in the world of entertainment, MacFarlane’s titles include actor, animator, screenwriter, voice actor, comedian, producer, director, singer and, after last night, awards show host.

Unfortunately, his first Oscar hosting experience may also be his last. It seems that not everyone shares my appreciation of last night’s performance. Go figure.

People who know MacFarlane’s work understand that he is edgy, witty, tactless, chauvinist (at times), energetic, talented, multidimensional, fearless… basically everything you could want in a modern humorist. To him, nothing is “out of bounds” and everyone is a target. But MacFarlane is no hypocrite, mind you. He can take it just as well as he can dish it out.

You just can’t please everyone, though. And his detractors continue to come out of the woodwork to denounce the Academy’s choice. Words like “sexist” and “awkward” have been tossed around all day and, if you ask me, the people using them need to get a life.

I’m sure younger viewers appreciated his humor and his candor. That’s just how we roll these days. And yes, I lumped myself in with young people since in my mind, I’m still one of them. The older folks in the crowd likely know where I’m coming from.

At any rate, criticism of MacFarlane’s performance includes the following, which comes from Slate’s Dana Stevens and focuses on “We Saw Your Boobs,” Seth’s opening number: “It put into relief a recurring theme in last night’s ceremony: A defensive anxiety about the ascendant power of women (emblematized, later on, by the pairing of the statuesque [Charlize] Theron with the wee Dustin Hoffman as awards presenters).”

Later, the Anti-Defamation League laid into MacFarlane for a joke he made through Ted, his talking teddy bear, about Jews controlling Hollywood: “It is sad and disheartening that the Oscars awards show sought to use anti-Jewish stereotypes for laughs.”

Oh, come on.

Is it me, or does anyone else think people in this country are far too sensitive? If all these “complainers” got their way, you wouldn’t be able to say anything in public because everything would be deemed offensive. And what would be the point of that?

Personally, I believe the same thing that Seth MacFarlane probably believes: that humor is a great way to affect positive change. Making light of serious issues, saying what people are thinking but are too afraid to say themselves, poking fun at public figures… it all breaks things down in an irreverent and hilarious way. And if you ask me, it makes people more open-minded and accepting because suddenly, things don’t seem so desperate and serious any more.

MacFarlane as “The Flying Nun” (courtesy of E! Entertainment)

Bear in mind that I rarely get offended or embarrassed, have no internal filter between my mind and my mouth, have been accused of lacking tact, enjoy a sick sense of humor and wrap it all up with a nice, juicy piece of sarcasm. Slap it on a realism biscuit and BAM! There I am.

In other words, Seth and I are cut from the same mold—in a basic sense, at least (he makes more money and is far more successful)—so I absolutely love him. And I thought he was a great Oscar host. The guy can even sing and dance!

Of course, I can understand how some might view his humor as rather tasteless. At one point, MacFarlane referenced the domestic violence of Rihanna and Chris Brown, which drew some gasps from the audience and some harsh words from critics. But given the over-saturation of this annoying couple in the media—as well as Rihanna’s decision to get back with the man who beat the shit out of her not long ag0—I was fine with it.

Someone needed to say it. At least Seth did it with humor.

MacFarlane also dropped a Lincoln joke that many considered inappropriate. And while I admit that it was touchy and a little “out there,” it certainly didn’t bother me. Check it out.

“This is interesting,” MacFarlane told the audience. “Daniel Day-Lewis is not the first actor to be nominated for playing Lincoln. Raymond Massey portrayed him in 1940’s Abe Lincoln in Illinois. This is true. I would argue, however, that the actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.”

I can see how some might consider this tasteless and maybe even unpatriotic, but come on. It’s funny! And if you take it literally, MacFarlane is right: no one got further into Lincoln’s head than the man who put a bullet in it.

And I certainly don’t hear Lincoln complaining. The man has been dead for more than a hundred years.

Yes, Seth MacFarlane has a demented and twisted sense of humor, a sharp wit and a questionable delivery system, but that doesn’t make him a bad host. If anything, he injected some life and laughs into a ceremony that has become increasingly dull and long-winded. And I guarantee that he connected with young people, one of whom was the lovely Jennifer Lawrence, who won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in Silver Lining’s Playbook.

Jennifer “fell” for MacFarlane (courtesy of Getty Images)

“I loved the boob song,” she said, despite being named in the song (for not showing them yet). “I thought he was great. I thought he was hilarious.”

I couldn’t agree more, Jennifer.

The fact of the matter is this: the new, younger generation of actors, directors and other film professionals are here. And “out with the old, in with the new” can also apply to humor. This generation is simply more open-minded, tolerant and accepting than the last. Fewer things offend them and nothing is sacred, especially where comedy is concerned.

But that’s just my opinion. And so is this: you kicked some serious ass last night, Seth, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I just hope we get the chance to watch you again next year!

You’ll Go Blind!

Gonzales aka “Donny Wright” (courtesy of Twitter)

One of the funniest things that parents tell their sons is that if they play with their wieners, they’ll go blind. I am, of course, referring to masturbation. And if I ever walked in on my son “slapping the salami,” I would probably tell him the same.

Of course, we all know this isn’t true. Sure, I started wearing glasses at an early age and my vision has gotten worse with each passing year, but it’s not the result of excessive self-pleasure.

At least I hope it’s not.

Imagine for a moment that masturbation could cause blindness. If this were the case, then these next two gentlemen would be one step closer to perfecting their Ray Charles impressions… literally!

Our first naughty “swordsman” is 27-year-old Nicolas Gonzales, a gay porn actor known as “Donny Wright” in the adult film industry. The star of such hits as “Unglory Hole 2″ and “TSA Stripdown” was just arrested for breaking into a Louisville firehouse and doing something unexpected, but not all that surprising.

He was caught masturbating on the fire gear.

After arresting Gonzales for burglary, criminal mischief and public intoxication (he was drunk), police asked him why he did it. “Because I wanted to,” he told the officers.

Given his obvious eloquence, it’s no wonder that Gonzales’ acting career led him into porn. Some guys can only speak with their dicks, so he likely made the right choice.

I only hope the cops hid their police gear before they locked him up. There’s no telling what he’ll try to spray next.

Another fellow worthy of the title “Master Bates” is Pennsylvania‘s Scott E. Smith, who was busted in late January for jerking off behind a Uni-Mart.

When police approached Smith, he quickly grabbed his phone and pretended to be calling his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that Mr. Johnson was still hanging out until the officer asked him about it. And that’s when Smith gave a hilarious excuse.

Does this turn you on, baby? (courtesy of complex.com)

He told the officer his penis was out because his pants shrunk. I’m not sure how that’s even possible, but he gets extra points for creativity.

After being arrested and charged with multiple counts of indecent exposure, Smith finally admitted to masturbating in public and even confessed to flashing several women in December. And his reason for the convenience store jack-fest: depression.

Now I’ve been depressed before. And as a guy, I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve masturbated before, either. However, the two never go hand-in-hand (pun intended). If they did, then I would have my junk out almost all the time… and I wouldn’t be the only one.

Masturbating in public can be exciting, of course. The fear of getting caught or being seen adds an element of danger, the same that prompts people to have sex in public places.

And for some guys, added motivation may come from the fantasy that some attractive woman will see their business and decide to handle it for them herself. As far as I know, this only happens in dreams or maybe bad porno films, but I suppose it’s possible.

Regardless, the important thing for guys to remember is this: masturbation is a private act. Sure, some people may want to watch you “flog the bishop,” but since you can’t be sure who they are, it’s probably best to keep it in your pants.

If you must masturbate in public, though, I suggest visiting an adult site and using your webcam to engage in some live sex chat. At least those people are expecting what you want to show them. And none of them are likely to report you for it, either.

The Anti-Academy Awards

Twilight sweeps the Razzies (courtesy of Yahoo)

On Saturday, the worst films and cinematic performances of the year were “honored” in what can only be described as the anti-Academy Awards: the 33rd annual Golden Raspberry Awards.

Most people just call them the “Razzies.”

Originally conceived by American publicist John Wilson in 1981 and inspired by the comedic act of “blowing a raspberry,” the Razzies precede the Academy Awards and celebrate terrible films rather than great ones. It’s all in good fun and, in most cases, the people being honored are good sports, but that isn’t always the case.

After all, who wants to be known for dropping a bomb at the box office?

The sad fact is that for every awesome, chart-topping film and stellar acting or directing performance, there are dozens of others that stink up the screen and make the producers who “green lighted” them scratch their heads.

And this year was no exception.

At the top of the list of 2012’s worst films is the final installment of the hit teenybopper series Twilight. With seemingly endless nominations in multiple categories, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn–Part 2 more-or-less swept the Razzies. By the end of the night, the vampire love fest was named Worst Film and received awards for Worst Ensemble Cast, Worst Director (Bill Condon), Worst Supporting Actor (Taylor Lautner), Worst Actress (Kristen Stewart) and Worst Onscreen Couple.

Stewart actually split her Worst Actress honor among Twilight and another weak performance, Snow White and the Huntsman.

The coveted award (courtesy of Razzies.com)

“Acting should involve having an expression on your face, and she is blank” Razzies founder John Wilson said of the young actress. “Kristen Stewart is so expressionless she might as well be a brick wall.”

I couldn’t agree more, but at least she’s cute.

Other Razzies went to Rihanna (Worst Supporting Actress for Battleship) and Adam Sandler (Worst Actor for That’s My Boy), who is no stranger to the anti-award. His flop Jack and Jill was last year’s Twilight, sweeping the show with a total of ten Razzies.

In his acceptance speech, Sandler thanked his public school teachers for helping him reach his “dream of making movies that critics all over the planet despise with unreasonable fury but that you, the people, seem to enjoy.”

And that’s what the Razzies are all about: laughing at yourself and accepting that nobody’s perfect, even celebrities. We may place them on pedestals and worship them with the fervor of religious zealots, but at the end of the day, they’re just like you and me.

Only with a lot more money and fame.

Welcome Back, Oscar!

The Golden Boy: Oscar (courtesy of the AMPAS)

Ever since I can remember, I have loved movies. In fact, I would go so far as to say I suffer from a scorching case of cinephilia.

And no, that isn’t a venereal disease.

A cinephile is obviously someone with a passionate interest in cinema, and that certainly describes me, at least in part. My passion for film runs much deeper and strikes to the very core of who I am, though. In some ways, you could even say that it defines me.

Like many of you, I have watched thousands of movies and love them for some of the same reasons you do.

On their most basic level, movies entertain and provide a much-needed escape from the banality of life. For the two hours that I’m sitting in front of that screen, I forget about the world outside and all the problems that plague me. I immerse myself in the visions of filmmakers who take me to new places, introduce me to new people and show me that the challenges I face are not as uncommon as I might think.

In other words, they connect me to the human experience in ways I might never imagine when I first sit down to watch.

Creativity is important to me, and few things are more creative than movies and the people who make them. So my love for films didn’t stop at watching them. I also learned how to create them. Initially, I just did a lot of reading about movie production, acting, directing and anything film-related that I could get my hands on. Then I tried my hand at screenwriting, even producing a feature film script and critical analysis for my master’s thesis.

Like many would-be screenwriters, though, I have rarely completed a screenplay and have not yet submitted one to a festival, production company or entertainment agency. It’s a hard world to break into and, honestly, I suffer from too much self-doubt to attempt it now. Perhaps someday soon.

Until that day comes, I will continue to watch as many movies as possible and to celebrate the achievements of the people I admire most in the industry. Luckily, the event best suited to celebrating everything “film” is scheduled for tonight: the 85th annual Academy Awards.

This evening promises to be a busy night for Oscar, that little golden statue that brings so much joy to those who receive him and draws so much envy from those who don’t.  With so many great people and films nominated in every category, predicting who will walk away with each award has been extremely difficult, even for the critics.

Just take at look at some of the nominations.

Best Picture

  • Amour
  • Argo
  • Life of Pi
  • Django Unchained
  • Lincoln
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Les Miserables
  • Zero Dark Thirty

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Best Actress in a Leading Role

  • Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)
  • Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)
  • Emmanuelle Riva (Amour)
  • Quvenzhane Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild)
  • Naomi Watts (The Impossible)

Best Director

Granted, there are some candidates I’ve never heard of before and some films I haven’t seen yet, but that’s what makes the Oscars so great. Sometimes the fact a movie received tons of awards makes watching it after the fact even more exciting. You just don’t get that when a film is initially released.

I am thrilled to see some of my favorite actors and directors nominated for awards. How can you go wrong with mainstays like Daniel Day-Lewis, Denzel Washington and Steven Spielberg? Sure, Joaquin Phoenix has been acting a little weird these last few years, but he’s no less talented as a performer. And the infusion of new talent like Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (who is sexy as hell) is like the cherry on top.

It should be an incredible, star-studded night both on and off the red carpet. I, for one, can hardly wait to enjoy every second of tonight’s broadcast. And regardless of where you are, I hope you have the opportunity to do the same!

Reality Round-Up: Busted Edition

Do the crime, do the time (courtesy of VeryDemotvational.com)

Do the crime, do the time (courtesy of VeryDemotvational.com)

Crime doesn’t pay.

Actually, it might pay sometimes, but only if criminals are lucky enough not to get caught. And judging from all the crime that goes unreported each year, some people are obviously luckier than others.

The folks in this story are not the lucky ones. They’re not even the smart, talented, resourceful or mentally stable ones; they are the dumb ones, or at least a representative sample of this sad and pathetic demographic.

Feel no sympathy for them, of course. Just take comfort in knowing that in each of these cases, the law prevailed.

In each of these cases, the criminals found themselves in a state common to their chosen profession: BUSTED!

ALAMAGORDO, NEW MEXICO

Samuel Delgado was sitting at home one night, burning the midnight oil (as well as some homegrown marijuana), when he thought he saw someone outside. And he had a crazy feeling this person was out to get him.

Sam went outside to investigate and saw nothing, but then started to worry this “stranger” had entered his house. So he did what most law-abiding citizens would do: he called the police. And when they arrived, he gave the permission to search his home.

Unfortunately, Sam wasn’t a law-abiding citizen.

Aside from being a pot smoker, which is carrying less and less of a stigma these days, Sam was also a pot grower. Inside his home, officers found growing equipment, dozens of assault rifles, large quantities of cash and more than 100 marijuana plants.

Wild marijuana plant, Tadapani

Delgado’s weed has a paranoid buzz (Photo credit: Dey)

There was, however, no intruder.

Sam now resides in the Dona Ana County Detention Center in Las Cruces and faces federal charges for manufacturing marijuana. And once he’s finally sentenced to jail, he will face yet another challenge: explaining to his fellow inmates how—or more importantly, why—he decided to snitch on himself.

LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE

Our next “criminal mastermind” is actually a sex offender with a taste for our most vulnerable children: those with special needs.

John Wright was a school bus driver who admitted to sexually assaulting the special needs children he was assigned to transport. He even videotaped himself molesting these kids.

Investigators found thousands of child pornography files on Wright’s computer and even linked him to videos of his encounters on the bus. He later pleaded guilty to one count of possessing child porn and multiple counts of sexually exploiting children.

Late this week, a judge sentenced Wright to the maximum sentence: 160 years in prison. And the only thing criminals hate as much as snitches are—you guessed it—child molesters.

Enjoy the rest of your pathetic life, Mr. Wright. It will likely come to an end much sooner than you think.

The Dog Lover (courtesy of LVMPD)

The Dog Lover (courtesy of LVMPD)

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

This final tale comes from the land of luck and chance, Sin City itself.

Unfortunately, it’s not the usual story about life-changing jackpots or broken dreams. It’s a story about depravity, and one the residents of this famous getaway likely want to forget.

On Tuesday, police were called to the home of 23-year-old Kara Vendereyk when neighbors spotted her naked in her backyard. And that’s not even the worst thing about it.

She was having sex with a pit bull. You heard me correctly: a dog.

When the cops arrived, Vendereyk greeted them warmly and seemed to be under the influence of something. She couldn’t answer basic questions—including the current date and the name of our president—and even claimed to be bipolar.

Now I don’t know much about bipolar disorder, but I’m fairly certain one of the symptoms is not bestiality. Of course, I could be wrong.

Needless to say, Vendereyk was arrested and charged with lewd behavior, while Animal Control assumed custody of her canine lover.

The poor neighbors, on the other hand, have the rest of their lives to try and erase this disturbing image from their memories.

Good luck with that.

This concludes another Reality Round-Up. But if history holds true, there will be plenty of new material for future editions soon. Thanks for reading and be good to each other!

Sweet, Sweet Justice

You might want to close your mouth before you get to jail (courtesy of The Huffington Post)

It’s always nice when the American justice system functions as it should and some scumbag is finally taken off the streets.

Enter Drew Peterson, the former Chicago area police officer whose fourth wife, Stacy, went missing and has never been found. Everyone suspected that he murdered her, but no one could prove it.

What they could prove, however, was that Peterson murdered his third wife, Kathleen Savio. And last Thursday, a judge sentenced Peterson to 38 years in prison, minus the time he’s already spent in custody.

An appeal is forthcoming, no doubt, but for now it appears justice has been served. A man many describe as a “depraved” and “cold-blooded killer” will likely spend his remaining years behind bars.

American women can breathe easier now, if only for a moment.

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