Reality Round-Up: Meth and Death Edition

Will the real Obi Wan Kenobi please stand up?

Will the real Obi Wan Kenobi please stand up?

Sometimes I feel like the famed mathematician, self-proclaimed World War II code breaker and paranoid schizophrenic John Nash, the man portrayed by Russell Crowe in the 2001 Ron Howard film A Beautiful Mind. Nash had an uncanny ability of finding patterns and making connections in even the most complex of equations. Most who knew him considered him a genius and, from what I know about the man, I would have to agree.

Now I’m certainly no genius. And to my knowledge, I don’t suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, either… despite what you may have heard or what they would have you believe. But like John Nash, I often find patterns in the most random of places. Only instead of focusing on mathematical equations or cracking encrypted enemy codes, I look for common threads in current events and breaking news stories.

And believe me: it doesn’t take a genius to realize that dysfunction is one of the things that binds us all together.

Today’s dysfunctional news round-up comes from two distinct—yet closely connected—sources: the drug crystal meth and everyone’s favorite state of lifelessness, death itself.

I know it’s depressing and I should probably write about something more cheerful—like rainbows and unicorns—but the news is rarely “happy” and sometimes you just have to play the cards you’re dealt.

MAY THE METH BE WITH YOU

A police officer in Roseville, California recently performed a probation search and discovered methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia on his subject.

Normally, a story like this would barely be newsworthy, but something very unique sets this one apart.

The subject’s name was Obiwan Kenobi, the same as the Star Wars character made famous by actors Alec Guinness and Ewan McGregor. Only this one never used a lightsaber crystal to channel The Force; he used crystal meth and got busted by the force.

Into jail, you will go. Master Yoda would be so ashamed.

Mark Baleo bought his last locker (courtesy of Fox News)

“STORAGE WARS” VISITED BY GRIM REAPER

On Monday, “Storage Wars” star and auctioneer Mark Baleo was found dead in the garage of his Simi Valley, California business. A car was still running when police arrived and the official cause of death was ruled as asphyxia by inhalation of carbon monoxide.

According to the Ventura County medical examiner, Baleo committed suicide by inhaling exhaust fumes. This came only a few days after the reality star was arrested for possession of methamphetamine and being under the influence of a controlled substance.

Former “Storage Wars” big mouth and Baleo rival Dave Hester sued A&E in December and claimed the show was rigged. Baleo’s death was tragic, to be sure, but subjecting viewers to another season of Hester would have been just as disturbing.

DROPPING THE BOMB

At a golf course in Purcell, Oklahoma, a staff member was using a porta-potty when he noticed some strange sports drink bottles nearby. A closer look revealed that the bottles were filled with chemicals, so the staffer immediately phoned police.

Authorities investigated and discovered that inside the porta-potty was a makeshift meth lab. The bottles were apparently used in what’s known as the “shake and bake” method of producing crystal meth. This involves the mixing of cold pills—which contain pseudoephedrine—with household chemicals in a plastic bottle that is sealed and shaken to produce a few hits of the drug. Unfortunately, one wrong move can result in the volatile substance bursting into flames.

The good news for drug agents in Purcell is that two of the three bottles in the porta-potty exploded before they arrived. The third was successfully defused and, thankfully, no one was hurt.

In other words, there was no unfortunate golfer who desperately had to crap, went into the mobile outhouse to “drop a bomb” and then learned the true meaning of that phrase the hard way.

I can’t imagine what the crime scene would have looked (or smelled) like if that had happened!

Coca-Cola classic.

Enjoy Coca Cola (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HAVE A COKE AND A COFFIN

Anytime someone asks me a question that begins with “if you were stranded on a desert island,” I cringe because, like you, I’ve answered variations of it dozens of times. And since you have to be near an island to be stranded on it, I should be safe. After all, I rarely leave my landlocked area and can’t afford a Caribbean cruise anytime soon.

So a better question might begin “if you were stranded on the sofa in your living room,” but I digress.

If I were stranded on a desert island and had an unlimited supply of only one beverage for the foreseeable future, what would it be? That’s easy. It starts and ends with Mountain Dew.

Natasha Harris of New Zealand preferred Coca-Cola Classic. And according to her coroner, that may be exactly what killed her.

Harris loved Coke so much that she drank roughly two and a half gallons of the stuff every single day. She also smoked and skipped meals from time to time, but the coroner still identified Coke as a “substantial factor” in her death, which came in the form of a cardiac arrhythmia.

Based on her habit, Harris ingested more than two pounds of sugar and a gram of caffeine daily. If she were ever deprived of her Coke fix, she would get moody, experience withdrawal symptoms (like the shakes) and suffer from migraine headaches.

And since I once heard that Coke could be used to strip rust from metal or clean car engines, I can only imagine the damage this woman did to her insides.

If Coke really did kill Natasha Harris, then it’s only a matter of time before Mountain Dew catches up with me. So thanks, Natasha. Because of you, it looks like water is back on the menu!

The moral of the story is this: meth and death are bad.

Of course, I’ve never experienced either of them, so what the hell do I know?

Posted on February 14, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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