The Assman Returns!
One of my favorite television shows of all time—and arguably one of the best ever—was the hilarious sitcom Seinfeld. For nine seasons and through endless episodes in syndication, I have planted myself in front of the television to enjoy the exploits of Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer (Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Michael Richards, respectively). Few shows feature such a talented ensemble cast, which made this particular situation comedy so special. Even years later, I still find myself laughing at jokes I must have heard a million times by now.
Perhaps my favorite episode of Seinfeld was “The Fusili Jerry,” which focused on one of my favorite body parts, at least on women: the derriere (or “ass” for lack of a better word). One subplot involves the crazy and quirky Kramer, likely my favorite character on the show. He visits the Department of Motor Vehicles to pick up his vanity license plate, but is mistakenly given one that says “Assman.” Rather than returning it immediately, Kramer decides to slap it on his jalopy and to reap the benefits such a title brings. And for a while there, things go pretty well. People pass him on the street and yell things like “Look out! The Assman’s in town!” He even visits the hospital and parks in a doctor’s spot without getting stopped by a suspicious security guard.
Being the Assman certainly has its advantages.
Later in the episode—and after Kramer gives Jerry a statue of himself made solely from fusilli pasta—George’s father accidentally falls and lands right on top of it. Without being too crude, let’s just say that the statue gets stuck in the one orifice exposed when he falls on his ass. I’m sure you know what I mean. If not, then consider one of Jerry’s comments from the show: “He had to use corkscrew pasta.”
The gang takes George’s father to the hospital, where he is examined by the one doctor most qualified to handle his procedure: a proctologist. As he’s delivering his prognosis to George, Kramer notices a picture of his boat on the wall. Emblazoned across the back is its name: Assman. Kramer asks the doctor if there was a mix-up with his vanity plates recently and he confirms it. “So you’re the Assman?” Kramer asks him. And with a wink, we learn the truth.
Although I’m not a proctologist and can’t really understand why anyone would choose this profession, I do consider myself to be a serious Assman. As I said, nothing is more attractive on a female than a nice rear end, at least to me. Sure, I can appreciate women for lots of different reasons—and can always find beauty in the female form—but nothing makes more of an impression on me than a nice, shapely butt. I don’t even care about the size as long as the right curves are there. And though I hate to admit it, I often find myself fixating on women who have the booty to back it up. Pun intended, of course.
For an Assman like me, trips to the beach and the swimming pool in the summer are probably the best times to appreciate those nice behinds. However, I can always count on the media to cover celebrity rumps, most of which are beautiful thanks to personal trainers, butt implants and other resources these folks can afford. So for today’s post—which I hope doesn’t come off as perverted, demeaning or insulting—I want to turn my attention back to the back, so to speak. Here are the celebrity butts that impress me the most. I won’t label them as “The Best Butts in Hollywood,” but to me, they’re still pretty special. I hope you enjoy these images as much as I do!
Posted on March 8, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged beauty, body image, butts, celebrities, commentary, entertainment, Hollywood, humor, perspectives, Seinfeld, sexy, women. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.