A Dumb Time for Crime

Dumb criminals are better than smart ones! (courtesy of dumbcrooks.com)

Crime never sleeps.

Even when things are going well, the economy is firing on all cylinders and people have more opportunities for personal and professional success, there are still those who turn to crime for any number of reasons.

Unfortunately, few of them seem to possess any talent for criminal activity. Take the following misguided individuals, for instance.

MOULTRIE, GEORGIA

A junior high school student in Colquitt County is facing some serious charges after he brought a pot pie to school for his friends. And I use the term “pot pie” literally since one of its key ingredients was none other than Mary Jane.

Great for cooking, too! (courtesy of WTXL)

Working on a tip, Dr. Todd Cason, the school’s principal, intercepted the student, confiscated the pie and had it tested. Lo and behold, there was marijuana in there, so now the student faces a possession charge.

A few days later, the student’s father contacted the school to tell them his son admitted to lacing the pie. As convenient as this was given he had already been busted for it, I suppose it show some level of responsibility. Call it forced responsibility, if you must.

At least the pie he made was healthy. Eating marijuana does produce some weird side effects, but it’s also herbal. Maybe this kid was just a creative vegetarian?

MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE

Joshua Blodgett is a 26-year-old owner of a 2011 Honda Civic. For some reason, he decided to lead police on a high-speed chase down Interstate 293 near Manchester.

Blodgett managed to lose Derry police and parked his vehicle in a driveway on Route 102. Of course, he had no idea that state troopers had been alerted until they approached the driveway, so he took off again.

A short time later, Blodgett again pulled onto Interstate 293 and was planning to continue the chase when the unthinkable happened: he ran out of gas. His car drifted to a stop and after a short struggle, he and his female passenger were taken into custody.

Please don’t take this as an endorsement for high-speed chases, but if there’s any chance you could be pursued by police, it might be a good idea to top off your gas tank first.

SEQUOYAH COUNTY, OKLAHOMA

Vanhorn never thought to use eBay (courtesy of KJRH)

Misty Vanhorn seems like another great candidate for “Mother of the Year,” or at least the Razzie equivalent.

Last week, Vanhorn was arrested and could soon be charged with trafficking children. And in case you hadn’t guessed, the children in question are her own.

According to investigators, Vanhorn went on Facebook and tried to sell her kids, a 10-month-old and a 2-year-old. She contacted an acquaintance and seemed willing to part with the toddler for $1000 or both for $4000 (a bargain by any child trafficking measures). Fortunately, that’s when the authorities stepped in. And here’s the craziest thing about this story.

When police asked why Vanhorn would consider selling her own children—especially for such a paltry amount of cash—she claimed that she needed the money to “bail her boyfriend out of jail.”

If you ask me, Vanhorn should be enrolled in some kind of prison education program for math. How she determined that two young children were worth less than some jail-bird boyfriend boggles the mind, to say the least.

BURLINGTON, NORTH CAROLINA

Once again, my home state of North Carolina made the news, only not for something positive or uplifting.

That almost never happens unless Duke basketball is involved, but I digress.

Nunchucks hurt! Just ask any boy who hit himself in the gonads with a pair!

Saturday afternoon, Calvin Matthew Trollinger broke into a home and assaulted the couple who lived there. What happened next had to come as quite a shock to him, though.

Rather than laying down or giving in to the home invader, the male homeowner fought back with one of martial arts’ most popular weapons: nunchucks.

Using the ancient Japanese implement, the resident beat the crap out of Tollinger, mostly in the head, and left him dazed and bleeding. Authorities noticed the laceration when they arrested him a short time later.

Thankfully, neither of the homeowners sustained any serious injuries. They should be fine, but Tollinger now faces charges for first-degree burglary, assault on a female and simple assault. I hope he learned his lesson.

If not, maybe he’ll wise up and take some nunchucks of his own the next time he decides to break into someone’s home. I only hope they meet him with something a little more powerful if this actually does happen.

As I said before, crime never sleeps. And if you consider things in light of these misguided individuals, I guess you could say that it doesn’t thinkeither.

Posted on March 12, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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