Pimply Product Placement

What a difference! (courtesy of www.skinsecretsmedicalspa.com)

What a difference! (courtesy of http://www.skinsecretsmedicalspa.com)

Are you tired of having perfect skin?

Have you grown weary of all the compliments about your flawless complexion?

Could any paid advertisements be more annoying than the ones featuring Julianne Hough peddling Pro-Activ skin care treatments?

Do you watch your friends pop their pimples and wish you could join in on the fun?

Now you can, beautiful people, with new No-Activ solution!

Unlike Pro-Activ—a treatment designed to remove blotches, blemishes and acne over time—new No-Activ solution uses a complex balance of oils, greases and other toxins to not only restore these defects, but to start forming them overnight. By the time you wake up the next morning, you will be more hideous than you ever dreamed!

What’s more, new No-Activ will keep on working with each passing day, spawning pimples and deepening acne scars until not even your closest friends and family members will recognize you. And good luck getting out of that next traffic ticket or buying alcohol with your old driver’s license!

Another thing that sets No-Activ apart from that other skin treatment is the celebrity spokespeople. Instead of asking famous actors and musicians to share their stories and results, we let No-Activ speak for itself. And once you start using it and experience the satisfaction that comes with being butt-ass ugly, there can be no better spokesperson than YOU.

Viktor had great results (courtesy of amysrobot.com)

Viktor had great results (courtesy of amysrobot.com)

Your face will do all the talking. Believe me.

Actually, don’t believe me. Just listen to what some of our clients have to say. And don’t worry. None of them are in any danger of ever becoming rich or famous.

“Wherever I went, men always used to stare and gawk at me. I tried wearing baggy clothes, but that only led them back to my face and nothing changed. Then I started using No-Activ and the very next day, I couldn’t even get the guy at the drive-thru to look me in the eye! No-Activ is awesome!” –Jennifer, 35 (Newark, NJ)

“One time, my brother came home from work with the biggest pimple I have ever seen on his nose. I watched as he spent almost an hour squeezing and draining it, but I never got any pimples. At least not until I started using No-Activ. Now I don’t just get pimples. I get huge whoppers all over my face! Thanks, No-Activ!” –Ricardo, 18 (Richlands, NC)

“Most of my friends have families and I know it sounds bad, but I’ve never cared much for children. Yet anytime I go to visit, their kids latch onto me and I end up playing while everyone else is laughing and drinking wine. That all changed with No-Activ, though. The next time I went to visit, those same children took one look, peed in their pants and ran screaming into their bedrooms. It was great! Of course, no one really invites me over anymore, but I can live with that. No-Activ is the best! –Sue, 28 (Las Vegas, NM)

Still not sure if new No-Activ is right for you? Then ACT NOW and we’ll send you a 3-oz sample bottle for FREE!

It might take a few days to arrive, so feel free to start the damaging process by rubbing dirt, butter or even vegetable shortening on your face. This will only enhance No-Activ’s effects, but the real difference will come within 5 to 8 business days—perhaps more for our international customers.

Those of you in Vatican City have already been exposed to enough smoke to cause blemishes, so don’t bother placing an order. We don’t want to waste the stuff.

So don’t wait. Pick up the phone, give us a ring-a-ding-ding and order some No-Activ today!

As a special gift, be one of the first 100 callers and you’ll also receive the No-Activ nighttime face wrap at no extra cost!

Using special technology that we invented and—sort of—patented, the No-Activ nighttime face wrap hugs the skin and pushes our miracle solution deeper into your pores while you sleep. We guarantee that if… I mean when… you wake up, you’ll be so pleased that you won’t be able… sorry, won’t want… to take it off. It’s that good!

funny-Justin-Bieber-before-after-Elton-John

Individual results will vary (courtesy of themetapicture.com)

No-Activ even comes with a money-back guarantee. If you aren’t completely satisfied with No-Activ within the first 24 hours, return the unused and unopened product and get 100% of your money back.

Other than that it’s yours, so we hope you enjoy your purchase!

To order No-Activ—or to take advantage of our free 3-oz trial bottle—hit us up at 1-800-NOACTIV or check us out online at www.noactivfuckedmyfaceupgood.com. And be sure to follow us on Twitter @pizzaface.

We look forward to serving all you soon-to-be-ugly-bitches!

Side effects for No-Activ skin-damaging solution include headaches, blurred vision, loss of the sense of smell, rectal bleeding, bullying, bitch slapping from strangers on the street, frequent bowel movements—as well as an inability to control them—cold sores, canker sores, bed sores, crow’s feet, hair loss, impotence, unwanted pregnancy, testicular shrinkage, memory loss, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, loss of appetite, bleeding gums and involuntary clenching of the vaginal muscles. Some have reported thoroughly enjoying this last effect, but they were mostly men and probably can’t be trusted.

Posted on March 15, 2013, in Perspectives, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. hahahahaha! awesome 😀

  2. Whew, so glad to see that weight gain isn’t a side effect! Bring it on!

All replies welcome

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