The Eyes Have It

I can’t see, but I think I smell bacon (property of Blind Pig Records)

Latishia McClure works at a Conoco gas station and convenience store in Kansas City, Missouri. As you might imagine, it isn’t the most stimulating job in the world, but things got much more exciting for McClure on Thursday.

While taking a break, McClure noticed a strange box sitting on top of one of the trash cans near the pumps. Since she had little else to do before returning to the tedium behind the counter, she decided to investigate. The box was relatively nondescript—a little crushed and bent in places—but it seemed pretty harmless.

Imagine her surprise when she opened the box, peeked inside and saw a pair of eyeballs staring back at her!

“It was freaky walking out there to that box,” McClure said later. “I saw white and strings of blood and knew it couldn’t be fake.”


McClure immediately called the cops, who started their investigation with the store’s surveillance video. Around 8:30 the night before, a blue Toyota with Nebraska plates pulled up to a pump and two men jumped out—one of them was holding the box.

The men tried to shove the box into the trash can, but it simply wouldn’t fit. So they did the only other thing they could do: they left it sitting on top, where McClure would discover it later.

Eye see you (courtesy of KNSS Radio)

And then they hauled ass. I’m not even sure they filled up before jetting.

Police contacted a local eye bank to see if any deliveries were expected, but officials there had nothing on record. Tests later revealed that these weren’t human eyes at all; they belonged to a pig.

I hate to think there’s a blind pig out there somewhere, bumping into the other pigs, missing out on slop. So sad.

Since there seemed to be no real crime committed—and since the only living creature to suffer was our sightless, porky friend—police have closed the investigation. It seems a little premature, if you ask me.

After all, there are still two wackos out there who get their jollies by transporting and abandoning pig eyes in public places. Shouldn’t that be cause for concern?

Posted on March 30, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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