The Greatest Zombie Story Ever Told

Buddy Christ from “Dogma” (courtesy of View Askew)

I had an idea for a story, novel or maybe even a film earlier today. It came out of nowhere and caught me completely off guard since it happened on the way to a tee-ball game, of all places. But when inspiration comes, you have to grab it, right? And that’s exactly what I’m hoping to do.

The title of this post obviously gives away one of the secrets. Yes, the idea is for a zombie story. What can I say? I love them and never miss The Walking Dead, Dawn of the Dead or even a George Romero marathon on late-night television.

I just can’t get enough.

At the same time, I am normally very critical of my ideas and spend a great deal of time trying to “flesh them out,” pun intended. Few result in anything very interesting, but there are a few that seem to have a little something extra. You know what I mean? Those ideas that get you thinking about book tours, film sets and televised award ceremonies?

This idea belongs in that second category. At least it could if done correctly. The only problem is its subject matter, which is certain to cause backlash, controversy and everything in between.

Isn’t that what normally happens when someone satirizes a religion or religious figure? It certainly did when The Innocence of Muslims hit YouTube last year. And I wouldn’t want anything like that to happen again.

I just can’t ignore the muse, you know? And by writing this post and sharing this idea with all of you, I am hoping to hear if something like this has potential or is too offensive to even consider pursuing. You won’t hurt my feelings if you leave a comment to express your displeasure, but first keep these things in mind:

  1. I am not a heretic or some kind of blasphemer
  2. This is not a criticism of or attack on religion, in this case Christianity
  3. My idea is nothing more than fiction and is not intended to offend or insult anyone

That being said, here’s the thought I had in the car earlier—the premise upon which this story will be built—the question this tale will seek to answer: What if Jesus Christ was the first zombie?

Fire and brimstone! Sacrilege! Did he just say that? You’re going straight to Hell for that one? Eternal damnation!

Now that we have that out of the way—and trust me when I say these are responses I wouldn’t really expect to get from something so harmless—focus on the basic idea. The way I see it—and if I end up really writing this thing—there are a few different approaches I could take.

Here’s the first.

You have Jesus, the Son of God: born in Bethlehem to Mary and Joseph; raised as a carpenter in Nazareth; minister and teacher beginning around age 30. Only instead of following his normal path—which we all know ended with his crucifixion several years later—Jesus’ trajectory is changed by something unexpected: a mysterious virus.

He becomes a zombie.

I’m starting to think someone else had the same idea (courtesy of MySpace)

So instead of spreading “The Word” and enlisting the aid of twelve disciples, Zombie Jesus spreads the virus and turns twelve followers into the first pack of flesh-eating zombies ever. Ironically enough, that’s kind of what they would have done anyway, given the symbolic eating of Jesus’ flesh during the Last Supper.

Weird, huh?

Approach two does little more than fast forward to the time Jesus is crucified and placed in his tomb. Only the Resurrection is when he returns as a zombie, subsequently appearing to everyone not to reinforce their faith, but to make communion out of them!

I know, I know. Blasphemy.

This is actually as far as I’ve gotten on this idea, and there are a lot of other things to consider. For instance, transforming JC and the Boys into zombies may inadvertently turn the Romans into the “good guys,” unless I can find a way to prevent something even I find rather tasteless from happening. I guess they could also be transformed into the undead, given this story need not run concurrent to religious history. And that would provide some justice after the horror of Jesus’ crucifixion, which the Romans surely deserved.

Still kind of a touchy subject, though?

Although I enjoy writing about controversial subjects—not for attention or financial gain, mind you—I can’t help feeling that this idea may be a little too edgy. On the other hand, it could be quite lucrative for the same reason. Yes, a lot of people would get pissed and there could potentially be all sorts of protests, but only after everyone read the book or saw the movie. An uproar like this would undoubtedly attract the media and before you know it, this thing would be everywhere.

Wishful thinking, I know, but stranger things have happened. And delusions of grandeur never hurt anyone… much.

So there you go: one story idea that could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. All it’s missing now is YOU. If you read this post and notice any kind of reaction within yourself—interest, disgust, joy, hunger, completeness, arousal, nausea—please consider leaving a few comments. And if you happen to think this could make a decent story, I would love some suggestion as to its genre. Horror? Comedy? Thriller? I have no idea which is best.

Thanks in advance for your help and please remember that none of this was intended to offend or insult Christians, Christianity or any other believer or religion on this spinning ball of mud we all call home. But if I did offend someone—especially to the point they feel I deserve no forgiveness—I ask first that they answer this question and act accordingly: What would Jesus do?

And I think we all know the answer to that. 

Posted on April 14, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Love the post Scott, nice to see you having time for your own work :).
    One idea could be an implication that JC was the first zombie, you could have it set after his time but imply that the strain may have started there…
    Not being a religious person myself I don’t take offence to this idea. I have actually been to Jerusalem and seen the stations of the cross and many other things and what I took away from that was the fact that he did exist as a man, whether he was who he said he was, that is for people to figure out through their own beliefs. Being he existed as a man, he could therefore exist as a zombie. It sounds like you are pretty excited about this, so regardless if it ends up with a Jesus zombie or not I hope you pursue writing something. Plus it would be fun to use “Jesus” as a verb, “He totally Jesused that guy!”

  2. I think that if you really want to write something, go for it, Even if it is just for your blog and blog readers. I wouldn’t find it offensive. It’s just writing. it’s not right for anyone to tell you or anyone else what you can or cannot write. Writing is an art and a part of you. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it or watch it. Besides, as far as we know, it is just fiction. So if people don’t like it, that’s their problem. If they get offended by it, that is also their own problem. Not yours. Plus, it’s separation of church and state. As a human being in the United States, you have that constitution given right to Freedom of Expression and Religion!!! Have Fun. Go For it. Don’t give a flying rats ass about what other people think, say, or feel. 🙂

    • I usually do my own thing anyway, pangirl. Just like to hear others advise me to continue this trend, so thanks for the encouragement. It looks like this thing may get written after all! 🙂

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