Some celebs are so hot they should be arrested (from the film Spring Breakers; courtesy of highsnobiety.com)
The time has come again for me to be completely self-serving in terms of my testosterone-fueled heterosexuality. And even though the subject of this post is fairly predictable this time of year—everyone seems to focus on the best beach bodies as the summer approaches—I simply could not resist tossing my hat into the ring, too.
After all, one of my favorite subjects is women. I just love them too much to ignore them for very long on my blog. Call me sexist, chauvinistic, horny or a dirty old man if you like, but please know that only a few of these terms actually apply—the last two, to be exact.
Before we arrive at the slide show, however—which I assure you will keep you interested, especially if you’re a hot-blooded male like me—I would like to add a few disclaimers:
- There is some nudity here, but only one bare boob that I am aware of. The rest comes through wet and often transparent swimsuit material, which I for one appreciate more than you know.
- Some of the women featured here are professional swimsuit models, so it stands to reason why they would end up on my list.
- I focus only on celebrities since (a) there is no shortage of photographs of them online and (b) real women are more apt to sue me for using their image here. Of course, if you’re a woman who would like to share some beach photos—or better yet, would like me to feature them in a future post—please don’t hesitate to send them my way. I assure you that in every case, proper credit will be given.
- Because I feel kind of guilty for superficially focusing on women’s bodies and perhaps objectifying them in some way—albeit unintentionally—most of my captions will include some information about each woman’s career, achievements or other accomplishments. At least that way this won’t be focused completely on my own carnal desires.
- In most cases, I include photographs of celebrities when they were “in their prime,” so to speak. Personally, I think women are great all the time, but I also understand how much emphasis our society places on youth and beauty, which is why I cherry-picked each picture to appeal to the broadest possible audience.
- My list of the best beach bodies brings together more current talents—like Selena Gomez and Kate Upton—as well as some sex symbols from my era of the 1970s and 1980s—like Farrah Fawcett and Bo Derek. I’m confident you will enjoy them all.
With that being said, the time has come to finally delve into my slide show and to see if I know what I’m talking about in terms of the best celebrity beach bodies. I once did a post about my favorite actresses (in terms of attractiveness) and based on some of the comments I received, followed up with a post about the most attractive male actors, too. Never let it be said that I don’t cater to my female readers. So if you enjoy this post and would like me to do the same again—the best celebrity beach bodies with wieners, in a manner of speaking—leave a comment and I will do my best to oblige. Lord knows, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to see beauty in all of its forms. It might be a little more difficult for me to see it in men—meaning the chances of me successfully turning gay are slim—but I love a challenge.
For now, though, let’s bring on the ladies. Here is my take on the best celebrity beach bodies of all time. I hope you enjoy viewing and reading this post as much as I enjoyed putting it all together!
Every guy who grew up in the 70s and 80s likely fantasized about Farrah Fawcett, one of the sexiest ladies from that era (Cineguns.com)
And these guys probably had this famous poster, too. I know I did (Wikipedia)
This is a bit racier, but definitely shows how hot Farrah was when she first hit the scene (Uncredited)
Bo Derek was another sex symbol from my youth. And boy, did she fill my head with all sorts of naughty ideas! (Bottomless Women Pics)
Okay guys. Tell me you wouldn’t love to stumble upon this scene (Jack Heuer)
Cheryl Tiegs was America’s first supermodel (Pin It)
The former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model was also the first to sponsor a signature line of clothing and accessories (Tumblr)
Here’s another famous poster from the 80s featuring Heather Thomas, another sexy lady (Chud.com)
Thomas starred the “The Fall Guy” with Lee Majors, one of Farrah Fawcett’s ex-husbands (luvsydb)
A survey of sexy women from the 80s wouldn’t be complete without Heather Locklear (Feedio.com)
Even at 50 years old, Locklear still has it! (Splash News)
Oops! Britney Spears did it again… sexy mama (Twitter/Britney Spears)
This pic of Britney is a bit more recent, sort of, but she’s still gorgeous (Starpulse.com)
Jessica Biel, former star of “7th Heaven,” the longest-running family drama in TV history, makes lists like this all the time. Can you see why? (Flynet)
Megan Fox makes lots of most beautiful woman lists and is a modern-day sex symbol to many… including me! (GSI Media)
Born Tara Leigh Patrick, the stunning Carmen Electra is actually a year younger than me! (FansShare.com)
Electra has been married to both Dave Navarro of Jane’s Addiction and former Chicago Bulls player Dennis Rodman, although the latter was more of a publicity stunt (FansShare.com)
And let me tell you… Carmen is aging very gracefully (TheWondrous.com)
One of my favorite beach bodies belongs to American TV and film star Jessica Alba (Zimbio.com)
I mean come on. Does she do this kind of stuff on purpose just to drive men crazy? (Technwall.com)
And to an ass man like me, nothing is better (Pixadelicio.us)
See what I mean? (Zimbio.com)
Former Playboy Playmate and all-around funny lady Jenny McCarthy always left me wanting more (Albert Michael)
McCarthy dated actor Jim Carrey as well as Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher (HQ Celebrity)
Kristin Cavallari, star of “The League” and known for her roles on “Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County” and “The Hills,” also likes football. She’s currently engaged to Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler (Drew Lee/Bret Thompsett/Pacificcoastnews.com)
I could not resist including another sexy actress from one of my favorite TV shows of all time, “Lost.” Please say hello to the beautiful and tough Michelle Rodriguez (Getty Images)
Michelle has back, too! (Celebshut.com)
Speaking of back, check out British singer and actress Rita Ora. You can see her in “Fast & Furious 6” this summer (Splash News)
Granted, she’s kind of young and just moved from child star young adult, but there is no doubt that Selena Gomez turns heads at the beach (Celebrity Modeling)
I love Selena’s sky blue bikini from the front… (Khaliq)
… but it simply cannot be beat from the back, either. It’s tough being an ass man! (Khaliq)
This suit is a little more colorful, but still highlights one of Selena’s best ass-ets (Photobucket)
Too bad she’s so hung up on Justin Bieber, huh? (Twirl It)
Vanessa Hudgens is another young star to watch, especially on the beach (Yeeeah.com)
Especially when she has a clothing malfunction and her top comes off! Yikes! (Fanpop)
Another beautiful sight on the sand is Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton (SI)
Want to see even more of Kate? Check online for her Cat Daddy dance. It’s something to remember (SI)
Speaking of Sports Illustrated, few models are as memorable as this classic beauty, Elle Macpherson (SI)
If only her entire swimsuit were white! (SI)
One of my favorite TV comedies at the moment is “The Big Bang Theory.” And no one gives you more bang for your buck than co-star Kaley Cuoco (FansShare.com)
Okay, so she won’t be hitting the beach like this any time soon, but a guy can dream! (FansShare.com)
Former “Hannah Montana” star and singer Miley Cyrus also knows how to work a bikini (Just Jared)
And though I apologize for including only pictures of her behind, it should be fairly obvious why (E! Entertainment)
One of the hottest singers today is the uber-popular Rihanna (Twitter/Instagram)
Love that white bikini, girlfriend! (Twitter/Instagram)
If ever there was a time for her top to come loose, this was it! (Twitter/Instagram)
You know I had to drop in a few pics of Rihanna from the back, right? (Twitter/Instagram)
Here’s another nice Rihanna rump shot (Twitter/Instagram)
British comedian Russell Brand may have been too dumb to hang on to her, but Katy Perry can come my way any day (Werydo.com)
And yes, this would be another great sight to stumble upon as you’re collecting shells (Pin It)
Adrianne Curry won the first season of “America’s Next Top Model,” and for good reason (Getty Images)
Believe it or not, but former “Brady Bunch” star Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) married Curry. Smart man (Bitty Schram Bilder)
Best known for her appearances in Sports Illustrated and for hosting “Project Runway,” Heidi Klum always makes an impression, especially on the beach (TheWondrous.com)
Some may not agree, but I also find British actress and “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Keira Knightley to be extremely sexy… and I always will (TheWondrous.com)
Australian model and Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr also has a “Pirates of the Caribbean” connection: she is married to co-star Orlando Bloom (TheWondrous.com)
Former “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria isn’t just gorgeous, she’s also talented and proved it by winning a Screen Actors Guild Award (TheWondrous.com)
Another Screen Actors Guild Award winner, and all-around sexy lady, is “Glee” star Naya Rivera (Splash News Online)
Forget about getting with former professional wrestler Stacy Keibler, gentlemen. George Clooney has dibs for now (TheWondrous.com)
Once a Pussycat Doll and celebrity contestant on “Dancing with the Stars,” Nicole Scherzinger now breaks guy’s necks any time she walks by (Splash News)
I don’t really know much about American DJ, actress, songwriter and former model Caroline D’Amore, but I would like to! (Getty Images)
Kelly Carlson played the role of Kimber on “Nip/Tuck” but definitely doesn’t need any nipping or tucking herself (TheWondrous.com)
English media personality Katie Price shot to fame after her topless modeling pictures appeared in the tabloid The Sun. Ironically, the sun is exactly what her well-developed chest blocks when she hits the beach! (TheWondrous.com)
My final celebrity beach body belongs to Kelly Brook, a British model, actress and entrepreneur (Just Jared)
And it’s obvious that she has the business sense to “back it up” (Newsgab.com)