Greatest Hits: 10 Ways You Can Help Destroy the Planet
This article was originally published on July 13, 2012 and didn’t get much play—you can find the original HERE. However, given all the talk of excessive heat, climate change and natural disasters lately, I figured what the hell? Toss it out there again and see if it strikes a nerve with readers the second time around. It was pretty fun to write—being sarcastic and stupid is a hoot, which is why I do it so often—so I hope you enjoy it. And please remember to do the OPPOSITE of everything you read here. I’m sure that will be obvious in a moment, but it makes me feel better to say it… um, write it, I mean.
Everyone talks about how to save the Earth. They stress the importance of recycling, planting trees, controlling waste and a host of other things that, if practiced by everyone, could return the planet to a healthier state. Of course, I’m not an environmentalist and only seem to “go green” when I have a cold, but all this talk about saving the Earth got me thinking.
What can we do to speed up Earth’s destruction?
Here are some ways you can contribute to Mother Nature’s ultimate demise.
Forget about recycling
Humans use and consume all sorts of different products, from foodstuffs and beverages to plastics and other manufactured materials. The next time you find yourself with waste that could be recycled, why not simply toss it in the trash instead? It’s much more convenient than crushing cans, breaking down cardboard boxes and hauling cumbersome recycling containers to the curb every week. And isn’t life supposed to be as convenient as possible?
Grow your local landfill
If you do toss out all your waste—including those plastic bottles—then an added bonus will be significant growth in your local landfill. And bigger is always better, right? Furthermore, the crap you send to the landfill contains toxins that over time will break down and produce methane gas, another pollutant that attacks our environment and kills wildlife. Talk about two birds with one stone.
Smoke them if you got them
Cigarettes, cigars and pipes all contribute to air pollution and may even infect other humans who inhale their toxic fumes. If your quest is to destroy the Earth, then I suggest smoking as much as possible. However, be careful not to smoke too close to your fellow humans. The more people who remain on the Earth, the faster we’ll be able to destroy it.
Take up hunting and fishing
The things we do to pollute the planet can be extremely harmful to the world’s wildlife. Streams and rivers full of medical waste kill fish and other organisms. Oil spills bathe birds and other marine life in thick, sweet goo. But somehow most of these species manage to survive and even thrive. To prevent this from happening, why not take up hunting or fishing as a hobby? Grab that shotgun, venture into the forest and start plugging every creature you see. Or take your favorite fishing rod to a nearby river and pull as many fish out as possible. And when you’re done, don’t bother bringing any of the carcasses home. Just leave them where they are so the methane produced from their decomposition will contribute to the air pollution I described earlier.
Trees be gone
As human populations grow, so does the need for more space. High-rise apartment buildings and other vertical structures are fine, but the forests provide even more room for us to spread out horizontally. Taking down as many trees as possible not only provides fuel for heat—along with all the pollutants you create from burning it—but also plenty of materials for building new homes. Those squirrels and deer can find another place to live. And while killing all those plants won’t cause too much soil erosion, I’m sure we can find ways to improve that, too.
Practice unsafe sex
Using condoms, birth control pills and other contraceptives are recommended by many health professionals. Unfortunately, most of what these do is control pregnancy, which certainly doesn’t help when it comes to destroying the planet. What we need are more people, so put these things aside and start banging each other as often as you can… the natural way. With any luck, your one-night stand, girlfriend or wife will start shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser. The more, the merrier!
Trade that deodorant stick for a can
Aerosols provide another great tool for harming the Earth, more specifically the ozone layer. Scientists found a hole in the atmosphere above Antarctica some time ago, but we don’t hear as much about it today. This might be the result of some improvement in the stratosphere, which is totally unacceptable. We can reverse this trend by using aerosols as often as possible, preferably outdoors. And by all means, don’t be stingy. Spray those things as much as you can and I promise you that our goal will be much easier to accomplish!
Even though you might be going around the corner—close enough to walk—why not drive instead? It’s much more convenient and the perks—like air conditioners, cup holders and satellite radios—make it a lot more enjoyable than pounding the pavement. Just be sure to avoid hybrid vehicles and, if possible, use the oldest car you can find, preferably something built before 1980. I also recommend less frequent oil changes because car exhaust is another great way to contribute to air pollution. And by no means should you ever carpool with others!
Green is good, but not always
When it comes to cold hard cash, then green is definitely good. In terms of saving the environment, however, this is something to be avoided at all costs. People may try to convince you to change your polluting ways, or you may encounter green websites while surfing the Internet, but don’t acknowledge them. All they want to do is sell you something—in this case environmentalism—so dodge them like crazy. Focus on collecting as much green money as possible and then spend it on something more practical, like a used car from the 1970s or some chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) in those aerosol cans I referenced.
Spread the word
Whenever you get the chance to share some of this advice with others, do it. They may be resistant or even angry at first, but be persistent. And if you ever encounter someone speaking about environmental issues that contradict these ideas, find a way to interrupt or distract them. I find that asking a lot of meaningless or misleading questions works, but you might even try heckling. After all, we don’t need them trying to convince people to save the planet, do we?
By now, you should have everything you need to get started down the path to Earth’s destruction. And I hope you’re already doing some of the things mentioned here. It’s never too late to start and, working together, I am confident we can make this happen. When it comes to environmental issues, I find apathy to be a wonderful approach and one that is practiced by millions of people around the world. Join us if you feel like belonging to something larger than yourself. We’re very easy to find.
Posted on July 18, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged climate change, creative writing, Earth, environment, funny, humor, Money, personal, perspectives, politics, Pollution, Recycling, science. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.