Pop-Up Post: Too Old to Care

Isadore at 105 (Uncredited)

I am convinced that once you reach a certain age—for argument’s sake let’s say 67 years old—that you should be exempt from paying taxes, should have a special designated lane on the highway and should get 25-50% discounts on everything you buy.

The “special lane” thing is a little self-serving since this would prevent me from getting stuck behind elderly drivers all the time. No offense to any older readers out there, of course. I certainly don’t believe that all elderly drivers are bad… just the ones where I live. I’m kidding!

Though none of these things may ever happen, I can say one thing for certain, at least based on my own personal experiences: most elderly people simply don’t give a shit. And who can blame them? For 67 or more years, they have toiled, struggled, contributed, celebrated, suffered, loved, lost, relocated, hated… they’ve basically done it all. The road of life is a long one—if you’re lucky—and by the end you have to be tired of dealing with all the bullshit: long lines at the DMV, partisan politics, natural disasters, career changes, crime, state taxes, federal taxes, vehicle taxes, property taxes… blah, blah, blah.

Eventually—and certainly by the time you start considering yourself to actually be old (which most of us resist as long as possible)—you grow weary and simply don’t want to deal with it any more. Of course, the “proof is in the pudding,” as they say. And based on last week’s news, the pudding was 107-year-old Monroe Isadore of Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

On Saturday night, police in Pine Bluff responded to a call and arrived at Isadore’s home to find two as-yet-unidentified victims of aggravated assault waiting there—presumably housemates or family members, I’m not really sure. They were immediately removed from the residence before officers realized someone else was hiding in the bedroom.

It was Isadore. And as soon as officers approached the bedroom door, he started firing through it.

No one was injured in the old man’s first barrage, but they also weren’t taking any chances. A quick call was placed and within minutes, SWAT officers arrived on the scene.

As is customary in situations like these, officers began negotiating with Isadore, but used this distraction to slip a small camera into the room. There they saw the centenarian armed with a handgun and obviously ready to shoot.

Old people just don’t give a shit, remember?

Once negotiations broke down—which I’m sure everyone knew was coming, especially Isadore—SWAT members slipped gas through the bedroom window, which only served to piss the old man off. He immediately started firing, so more drastic measures were needed.

If Laura is 123 years old, then he’s breaking all the records! (Juan Karita/AP)

They came in the form of something called a “distraction device”—most likely some kind of flash bang grenade. Officers tossed one into the bedroom, only this time when Isadore began firing at them, they fired back.

He was killed almost instantly.

At 107 years old, I can’t imagine anything but dust and cobwebs coming out of Isadore’s wounds. And when you’re his age, a stiff breeze is just as likely to kill you as a bullet.

Kidding, once again. I know I’m an ass.

Incidentally, Isadore was not the oldest person in the world before his death, despite cruising well past age 100. If the public records in Bolivia can be trusted, then the oldest living person on the planet is Carmelo Flores Laura, a native Aymara who lives in a straw-roofed hut with a dirt floor near Lake Titicaca. How old is he, you ask? It’s hard to believe, but Laura supposedly turned 123 last month.

Now if anyone deserves a break, it’s that guy!

Posted on September 10, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

All replies welcome

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: