Man Meat

Gotta love that meat! (Western Meats & Deli)

Gotta love that meat! (Western Meats & Deli)

The title of this article may seem like a poorly veiled reference to a certain part of the male anatomy, but I assure you this is not the case. Instead, it references a theme found in some recent news stories that involve men and—oddly enough—meat.

Yes, the kind that you eat.

The first meat to catch my eye—in a manner of speaking—came from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine in Boston, Massachusetts. In a recent study published in the journal Fertility and Sterility, they suggested that men who eat a lot of processed meats have lower quality sperm than men who eat more fish.

Incidentally, quality as it relates to “man batter” involves four specific factors: sperm concentration, motility (how fast the sperm move), shape and total sperm count (the concentration multiplied by volume).

There are other variables that could play a role, of course. Guys who eat more processed meats likely have crappier diets and unhealthier lifestyles than fish-eaters, for instance, so this would obviously have an effect. Unfortunately, though, the research still shows that bacon-and-burger-loving dudes—like myself—appear to have a lower percentage of “morphologically normal” (or well-shaped) sperm.

High-quality sperm are hard to find (Cathi Falconwing)

High-quality sperm are hard to find (Cathi Falconwing)

And I can think of no man—even one disinterested in spreading his seed—who wants the “scarlet letter” of lazy, deformed semen attached to him.

Virility is the new sexy, after all!

Meat number two comes from Orlando, Florida, where a shuttle bus driver’s encounter with an irate “side swiper” turned violent—in a meaty kind of way.

Reggie Diaz was driving along South Semoran Boulevard on Friday night when he was suddenly sideswiped by a yellow-and-white minivan. He and the other driver immediately pulled over, but when Diaz approached the man, he was assaulted… with a sandwich.

“Diaz ducked for cover as the sandwich splattered on his windshield, sending sandwich parts flying in an approximately 3-foot radius,” the report filed later read.

Either these cops pay really close attention to detail in their reports or they like to inject the occasional humor, because this description is hilarious. Personally, though, I’d like to hear a recording of the responding officer calling this in to dispatch. Is there even an emergency code for an explosion of cold cuts?

Sandwich or projectile weapon? You be the judge (Red's Candies)

Sandwich or projectile weapon? You be the judge (Red’s Candies)

At any rate—and after leaving “cover” to try to speak with the other driver—Diaz was met by the passenger of the other car, who stepped out and pointed a gun at him. Thankfully, nothing happened and the two men sped away, but they remain at large. So please be careful if you happen to live in the Orlando area. You just never know where the next meat assault might come from!

For our final meat-ing of the day, we travel to Derry, New Hampshire and a fast-food restaurant responsible for distributing tons of meat all over the world: McDonald’s. Please know, however, that what comes next happened only in this one location and in no way reflects how seriously McD’s takes things like quality and food safety.

I may not eat there very often, but I certainly don’t want to piss off the peeps behind the Golden Arches. My son is currently fighting a Nugget addiction and it wouldn’t be wise to force him to go “cold turkey.”

Anyway, the incident in Derry involved Rob Moore, a uniformed police officer who stopped by McDonald’s last week for a quick bite to eat. When he works the night shift, Mickey D’s is the only place open, so he visits the establishment several times each week.

On this particular evening, Officer Moore swung by the drive-thru, ordered a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, paid, drove away and then started to eat. After a few bites, though, he noticed that something was wrong.

“I took the bun off and the first patty was cooked,” the grossed-out officer said later. “The second patty revealed a raw mess and I’m sitting there holding that. I couldn’t believe what I just ate.”

Double E-coli Pounder with cheese, anyone? (Rob Moore)

Double E-coli Pounder with cheese, anyone? (Rob Moore)

What he ate made him violently ill which, take it from me, ain’t no picnic. I had a similar experience after eating some tainted pepperoni from Pizza Hut more than a decade ago. And that is one weekend I—and my toilet—will never forget.

Once he got back on his feet—quite literally—Officer Moore contacted the franchise and learned that the questionable cook—who he suspected of trying to poison him deliberately—was actually a manager in training. What’s worse is that surveillance video showed the incompetent cook trying to close the “grilling machine” (a.k.a. burger press) several times, but failing and still slapping the patty on the sandwich.

McDonald’s immediately released a statement and the situation has been handled—so they say—but that doesn’t change the fact that Officer Moore ingested raw hamburger not because someone hated cops, but because someone was too stupid to operate a machine his future employees would be required to operate once he became a full-fledged manager!

Just to be safe, do me a favor and check your food—regardless of where you get it. And given that recent study about sperm and processed meats, men may want to avoid fast food anyway. Don’t worry, though. There’s always a chance that some road-raged driver will toss a sandwich at you later!

Posted on October 20, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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