Reality Round-Up: Express Edition
Since it’s such a nice, cold fall day—and since there are still a few minutes of daylight left to enjoy—here’s an express edition of the Reality Round-Up to keep things moving.
In MICHIGAN, a woman is suing Etihad Airways over a flight she took from Abu Dhabi to Chicago on August 6th. She reached into her seat pocket to retrieve the knob from her broken tray table, felt something poke her finger and discovered it was a hypodermic needle and syringe! A long and powerful treatment of drugs to prevent AIDS later and I think it’s clear she has a case.
A man in PLEASANT HILL, MISSOURI has just been charged with abandonment of a corpse and tampering with a vehicle. Police visited his home on November 4th to investigate reports of a stolen vehicle and drugs. Upon searching his home, officers discovered a bucket filled with freshly poured concrete. Encased in cement was the stillborn son his wife had delivered nearly a month earlier! Gross-and-macabre is not a good mix!
A convenience store owner and his son are in big trouble in HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK. A customer who doesn’t speak English recently handed the clerk a scratch-off ticket he believed to be a winner. Karim Jaghab, 26, told the man he won $1000, handed him the cash and pocketed the ticket—which was really worth $1 million! Fortunately, the customer realized what happened, contacted the authorities and the scam was uncovered. The owner and his son claim a faulty lottery machine was to blame, but they seem to have forgotten the most important thing… the thing any convenience store owner who deals with lottery tickets should know: only payouts under $600 can be paid immediately by store clerks!
Finally—in BALTIMORE, MARYLAND—it looks like 14 more corrections officers have been indicted for working with prison gangs, most notably the Black Guerrilla Family. This brings the total to 44 people indicted on federal charges—27 of whom were Baltimore corrections officers. Apparently—and for quite some time—guards have been paid to smuggle drugs, cell phones and other contraband items to inmates. Some even develop personal and sexual relationships with convicts. They trade sex for money, sneak prohibited objects to them inside their body cavities and even bear children for notorious criminals. Alleged gang member Tavon White has impregnated four guards to date and likes prison so much he had this to say about it in a taped cell phone call: “This is my jail. You understand that? I’m dead serious… I make every final call in this jail… and nothing go past me.”
I’m certainly glad we can keep our criminals happy. It’s important to be sensitive to the wants and needs of our incarcerated brothers and sisters. After all, they’re people, too.
Seriously, though… I’m full of shit. Prison should be punishment, not paradise. I couldn’t even keep a straight face as I was typing that!
So ends the express edition of the RRU. Enjoy the last remnants of your weekend, peeps!
Posted on November 24, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged Baltimore, Chicago, commentary, Crime and Justice, current-events, funny, humor, news, perspectives, Prison, Warner Brothers. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.