Pop-Up Post: Criminal Minds
The expression “great minds think alike” has been around in one form or another since the 17th century. Of course, whoever coined this phrase likely didn’t have criminals in mind. Although some have been “great” in their own way—if you judge them by criminal standards, that is—there can be little doubt that most criminal minds are not great.
After all, wouldn’t someone with a great mind be able to enter a more acceptable and law-abiding profession?
If you alter this expression to read “all criminal minds think alike,” though, then you might be on to something. However, there is a more important consideration that is best phrased as a question: Do criminals actually think at all? I have my doubts—which are constantly reinforced every time I watch the news or visit a news website—and today’s stories seem to fall right in line. Here are a few to illustrate just how deranged and demented criminal minds can be… especially when they aren’t utilized.
In SPOKANE, WASHINGTON, 60-year-old Steven Fitch was pulled over by police for a minor traffic infraction. He confessed to not having a valid driver’s license, so the officer returned to his vehicle to verify this. As he was doing so, he noticed Fitch frantically sifting through his center console. Fearing for his safety, the officer immediately ordered Fitch out of the car before approaching him again.
When he reached Fitch, Deputy Jeff Thurman noticed that he had a creamy white substance all over his hands. And no, it’s not what you’re probably thinking it is (since I thought the same thing initially). Instead, Thurman discovered what was hidden in the center console: a quart of vanilla ice cream. Only this frozen treat had a special and unexpected ingredient.
Hidden inside it was a bag filled with methamphetamines—and this was when Fitch’s criminal mind kicked into high gear.
Despite having hands covered in ice cream, Fitch claimed multiple times to have no knowledge of how the drugs got into the container. If he were still a child, this would be equivalent to getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. At any rate, Thurman knew he was full of shit and arrested Fitch, who has been charged with possession of a controlled substance and driving with a suspended license.
And just in case you were wondering, the ice cream was Dreyer’s Vanilla Caramel. At least Fitch had good taste.
Our next criminal masterminds—if they are indeed guilty, which remains to be seen—come from DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA. According to lawsuits filed by five employees of Ker’s Winghouse, managers at the restaurant have been sexually harassing—and even sexually assaulting—their female servers for quite some time.
The plaintiffs allege that managers fondled women’s breasts and buttocks, described their sexual exploits in graphic detail, constantly expressed their desire to sleep with their employees and even used a peephole to watch as women changed their clothes for work. A few even claimed that one of the managers physically abused and battered some of his servers.
Not very smart—if these allegations are true, I mean. Of course, the Ker’s Winghouse people strongly denied these charges and referred to their “no tolerance” policy for sexual harassment. They also pointed out that the third party they use to handle employee complaints had no record of any complaints being filed by the plaintiffs, which to me means their chances of winning this case are slim at best.
In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t the managers who were guilty of not utilizing that meat between their ears, but the employees who decided to file lawsuits with only circumstantial evidence to support them. What a shame.
Finally, we travel to LONGMONT, COLORADO to meet another evil genius, hairstylist Suzette Hall. Police arrested Hall last week and charged her with practicing cosmetology without a license, but that isn’t what first brought her to the attention of the authorities.
It was the fact that she was offering topless hairstyling to her patrons.
Yes, for only $45, anyone in the area could stroll into Hall’s shop Rebel Beauty—catchy name—and have their haircut or shave enhanced by Hall’s tits flopping in their faces. If only she had a cosmetology license, she might have gotten away with it. Instead, she becomes our last example of how defective some criminal minds can be.
They can’t all be as crafty as the villains on the television show Criminal Minds, after all!
Posted on December 3, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged commentary, Crime and Justice, Criminal Minds, current-events, funny, humor, Ice cream, news, perspectives, stupid. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.