Cut the Cheese

Merry Christmas, baby! (PinIt)

Since I only have one child and have no idea whether I will ever have a second, baby names aren’t something I consider very often. Honestly, the only time they ever come to mind is when pregnant friends—or their proud husbands—engage me in baby name conversations, and even that is rare.

It’s actually extremely rare for husbands to do this, but when they do, it’s usually pretty quick. And most of the guys I know tend to let their wives choose, if for no other reason than men automatically pick the last name—unless they’re one of those progressive couples who use the woman’s name, a neutral name or even a symbol instead.

None of my friends fall into that category, I’m afraid.

Aside from these scarce occasions, the only other times I consider baby names are when those annual lists come out—the ones that tabulate the most popular names of the year. I’m sure you’ve seen them. Normally, they come out in the early spring, sometime around May. This year, however, I heard mention of them on NPR. And they didn’t just cover the popular names, either; they shared some of the strangest names as well.

How could you give this cutie a bad name? (PinIt)

The most popular baby names of 2013 (so far) vary from source to source, but there are always similarities. For boys, the so-called “top names” for 2013 babies were Liam, Noah, Oliver, Aiden, Asher, Owen, Benjamin, Declan, Henry and Jackson.

Is it me, or does anyone else sense some British influences in these name selections? God Save the Queen!

Baby girls also leaned towards the U.K. in 2013. Their top names were Charlotte, Amelia, Olivia, Ava, Aria, Violet, Sophia, Scarlett, Audrey and Emma. Toss in Chloe and Poppy and we may have a second British Invasion on our hands!

Of course, the best baby names—at least to me—aren’t the ones deemed popular, catchy, cute, thoughtful or even fitting; they’re the ones that make you say, “Now what in the hell were those parents thinking?” And trust me, 2013 had its share of terrible, bizarre and even hilarious baby names.

To be polite, we’ll implement “ladies first” and start with the baby girls, who will likely endure endless ridicule because of their new names:

  • AssiaAvoiding names with the word “ass” in them is just good business.
  • BlipIs this supposed to be a name or a sound?
  • ChevySo dependable that you can ride her all day and she’ll still come back for more!
  • DisneyThis won’t get you a discount on Disney products or theme parks, you know?
  • EternityShe doubles as an enticing fragrance for women.
  • FelineSorry if this sounds vulgar, but won’t this bring mention of “pussy” far too early?
  • GoodnessWatch out if this name becomes a challenge NOT to live up to it!
  • KiwiShe’s almost as delicious and juicy as her fruity namesake.
  • MiracleAt least 800 girls received this moniker, which isn’t as bad as those with variations like Ahmiracle and Dmiracle!
  • PhoneHold the phone? Someone actually named their kid… phone? I sense quite a bit of disconnect in her parents’ thinking.
  • TrixieThis should be classified with other “prostitute names” like Kitty, Chastity and Bubbles.
  • WrigleyTheir chewing gum is so tasty, why not name your kid after it? Talk about horrible product placement!

Sadly, baby boys were just as unlucky in 2013 and could see plenty of playground ass-kicking in their future. Among this year’s victims were the following children, all of whom could use your prayers and support:

  • ButterbeanThe vegetable isn’t even that good… and lest we forget about the boxer/wrestler Butterbean, who might just sue you for copyright infringement!
  • CarrionYes, my baby boy is actually road kill. Scrape him up and let’s get him home.
  • CheeseCut the cheese, people. No one deserves to be named after your favorite dairy product. And this could become a very sore subject if he ends up being lactose intolerant.
  • ChowHis parents either love a particular breed of dog or appreciate a synonym for food or eating.
  • DanishI hope the parents of Cheese didn’t use this for his middle name!
  • EgyptAt least he can jokingly refer to his penis as King Tut someday. Maybe King Nut.
  • HarshitThis name means “full of happiness” in Sanskrit, but in English it translates to “shitty name.”
  • KodiakIt’s possible he may someday become a “bear”—a slang gay term for a large, hairy and ruggedly masculine man—but why rush things?
  • LegendThat’s a lot to live up to, don’t you think?
  • PandaI have no response to this, except to say that it’s very sad.
  • RocketFinally, Elton John will have his Rocket Man!
  • StetsonThis name would probably fly in Texas… no offense, of course.

Kiss this if my name sucks this year! (PinIt)

Please, please, please don’t do something like this to your children. Take it from someone who has experienced “name issues” his entire life—albeit for having foreign names rather than crazy ones: kids have enough problems these days. Why start them off with yet another disadvantage?

And I’m sorry, but if you think bullies won’t flock to a kid named Cheese Danish Williams, you’ve got another thing coming!

Posted on December 15, 2013, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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