Thanks to a huge winter storm that hit the mid-Atlantic Coast of the United States—as well as areas throughout the Upper Midwest—millions of Americans are currently “digging out” of snow and ice and dealing with bitter cold and wind. Snow seems to be tapering off in many areas, but the wind chill and arctic temperatures make it far too cold to stay outside for long.
Trust me. I smoke cigarettes—always outside so I don’t stink up my house—and can barely finish half of one during each smoke break… and even those are becoming far less frequent.
New Year’s resolutions to quit smoking never seem to work for me, but freeze-your-balls-off temperatures might do the trick!
At any rate—and because my hands are still too frozen to continue typing for much longer (I took another ill-fated smoke break not too long ago)—I decided to focus today’s post on it being so damned cold outside. How cold is it, you ask?
It’s so cold that:
- My testicles can double as ice cubes.
- The rock rattling around in my shoe is actually my toe.
- My nipples are picking up satellite radio.
- Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
- I have to open the refrigerator to heat the house.
- People look forward to getting a fever.
- Pet stores are selling hamsters, gerbils and penguins.
- The local flasher was seen describing himself to women.
- The Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress.
- Fire hydrants are begging dogs to pee on them.
- I chipped a tooth while eating soup!
- Richard Simmons started wearing pants.
- Even the Good Humor Man is in a bad mood.
- The Amish are buying electric blankets!
- Folks have to use icicles as firewood.
- My car won’t start running and my nose won’t stop!
- I had to check my driver’s license to confirm my masculine gender.
- My dog’s wiener got frozen to a fire hydrant.
- The water in Coloradans’ bongs turned to ice before they could enjoy their store-bought weed!
- Politicians are finally starting to worry about the homeless.
- Cows are producing soft-serve ice cream instead of milk
- Dogs suddenly want to wear the sweaters you knitted for them.
- A bird pooped on my car and cracked the windshield!
Stay warm, peeps!