Abusing the Tool

Isn't it enough that cows provide milk, leather and beef? (News Limited)

Isn’t it enough that cows provide milk, leather and beef? (News Limited)

Believe it or not, but it isn’t easy being a guy.

For a comic take on the challenges my testosterone-fueled brothers and I face, check out what quickly became my most popular blog post to date, 10 Things That Suck About Being a Guy. Of course, what I’m writing about today is more serious in nature—a topic that can only be described as penile responsibility.

You see, all men—by virtue of being born male—come equipped with a special tool: the penis. Its primary uses involve procreation and urination—as well as recreation, I suppose—but it’s obvious that some of my brethren have no clue how to use theirs correctly.

In other words, they are ill-equipped in terms of using their tools correctly… and they embarrass our entire gender when their misguided antics get splashed across the headlines.

Take the following examples of poor penis management, for instance.

Tim Margis rivals Imelda Marcos in terms of loving shoes (River Forest Police Department)

Tim Margis rivals Imelda Marcos in terms of loving shoes (River Forest Police Department)

Kinky Cobbling

Tim Margis was the director of public safety for Concordia University in River Forest, Illinois until February 12th, when he admitted to some very disturbing behavior and was terminated. According to the police report, a female co-worker saw Margis walking out of her office one day while buttoning his pants and tightening his belt. She investigated and discovered he had left a gift inside one of her shoes… a very sticky and disgusting gift only men can create, if you know what I mean. And I know you do.

Needless to say, Concordia University fired Margis a short time later and authorities charged him with disorderly conduct and public indecency. And though he may never work in security again, at least this opens the door for Margis’ other passion: shoe shining!

You Could Go Blind… or Worse

Valentine’s Day was a lonely time for Jerome Carpenter, a teenager in Portland, Oregon who suffered from depression during this last romantic holiday. That afternoon, his mother called him down for lunch, but got concerned when an hour passed and he didn’t show. And Jerome was the kind of guy who loved to eat, so his mother suspected something was wrong and went to his room to investigate.

Jerome Carpenter took salami slapping to the extreme (Huzlers)

Jerome Carpenter took salami slapping to the extreme (Huzlers)

She found Jerome dead and in a very compromising position. Apparently, he had masturbated 56 consecutive times and subsequently died of a heart attack. Here’s how Officer Dean Marrow described the scene later:

“The young man was on his bed… his penis was detached from his body… it must have been so intense it just came off his body… we found his penis gripped in his left hand so tightly we couldn’t get it out… it was tragic.”

Yes it was. And it just goes to show that where masturbation is concerned, blindness and dehydration aren’t the only risks men run for excessive self-love.

Every Dog Has Its Day

The saying “every dog has its day” may be more than 450 years old—originating in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the early 1600s—but sometimes these days are not as good as one might expect. Such was the case for a dog in Louth, Lincolnshire recently—and the day he had is one that he and his owner will likely struggle to forget for a long, long time.

If you love your dog, then just give him a regular bone (Inside Naija)

If you love your dog, then just give him a regular bone (Inside Naija)

Police in Louth arrested 19-year-old Wayne Bryson after his girlfriend searched his cell phone and discovered a clip of him having sex with her bull terrier. Bryson admitted to the crime—claiming this was his first time humping man’s best friend (in the most bizarre role reversal ever)—and pleaded guilty to performing an act of sexual penetration with a dog. If convicted, he could spend as much as two years in jail. For now, however, Bryson was released on bail with one stipulation: he is not allowed to be alone with animals.

As if this even needed saying… freak…

Bovines are So Fine

Our final example of penile misuse comes from a farm in Herkimer County, New York. And I warn you that in terms of perversion, this one truly takes the cake.

A cattle farmer noticed that his cows seemed anxious and weren’t producing as much milk as they normally did, so he set up a hidden surveillance camera to see if he could get to the bottom of the mystery. Unfortunately, he soon learned that “getting to the bottom” of his cows was someone else’s concern, too.

As he was reviewing the surveillance video, the farmer noticed two men—Michael Jones and Reid Fontaine—who apparently loved bovines more than he did… and in a much more literal sense. While Jones filmed his accomplice, Fontaine attempted to have sex with several cows. Whether or not he was successful is another story, but his sexual exploits were enough to warrant a call to police, who soon arrested the men and charged them with misdemeanor sexual misconduct.

Cow lovers Jones and Fontaine (Huffington Post)

Cow lovers Jones and Fontaine (Huffington Post)

It’s obvious that both Jones and Fontaine will be punished for their actions, but having their pictures and disgusting crime plastered across every news site from here to Katmandu may be all the punishment they need. I certainly feel sorry for any family members who now have to deal with the bullshit this incident provided… or should I say cow shit?

Yes, being a guy can be tough, but the one overriding principle we should all learn from these stories is this: YOU control your penis. When it starts controlling you, though, then perhaps the best place to visit is a doctor’s office… rather than a local farm, I mean.

Posted on February 24, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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