The Unused Mind

Even Homer Simpson uses his brain... and it's pea-sized! (Gracie Films)

Even Homer Simpson uses his brain… and it’s pea-sized! (Gracie Films)

Human beings never cease to amaze me sometimes.

Scientifically speaking, we are the most advanced and dominant species on the planet. Things like speech, an upright posture and opposable thumbs set us apart from every other animal on the planet, but the biggest difference involves our brains. Granted, we may not have the largest brains around—sperm whales still hold that title, which hopefully makes up for their rather unfortunate name—and most birds have larger brains relative to their body size—8% as opposed to only 2.5% for humans. However, our brains also have the capacity for abstract thought, reasoning and—thankfully—quick thinking.

Unfortunately, not everyone puts their brains to good use, as evidenced by the nearly endless news stories about them, their terrible decisions and the consequences of them not “thinking things through” before acting. Yes, life would be much more pleasant if people actually exercised the muscle between their ears more. Since this isn’t likely to happen anytime soon—or ever, for that matter—I suppose simply sharing some of their exploits (as cautionary tales) will have to suffice.

And believe me… I have a few doozies to share with you today, all of which illustrate how some people prefer to leave their minds unused… or simply rely on their brains to keep their heads from rolling off their shoulders.


On Sunday, two men in Salt Lake City, Utah proved that their brains do little more than take up space. Police arrested 28-year-old Richard Marsh and 34-year-old Paul Rapp on charges that include child abuse, marijuana and drug paraphernalia possession, and child endangerment. And when you hear what they did, I’m sure you will agree that their gray matter never came into play.

Marsh and Rapp... the dynamic duo of stupidity (KSL Utah)

Marsh and Rapp… the dynamic duo of stupidity (KSL Utah)

Around noon that day, witnesses saw the two men crossing 300 West near 500 North with Marsh’s 4-year-old son in tow. The boy was being kept on a harness-style backpack with a leash and as they were crossing the street, the boy tripped. Instead of helping his son up, Marsh decided to basically drag him the rest of the way—even over the curb and across roughly twenty feet of wood chips lining the road. What happened next, though, is still pretty mind-boggling.

Moments after dragging this poor toddler across the busy street, Rapp secured his leash to a tree and sat down with his friend to smoke some weed. He pulled a glass pipe from his pocket, filled it with marijuana, fired it up and started to puff away with Marsh… at least until they saw police approaching and tossed the pipe, which was of course recovered later. And they were arrested a short while later, too.

I can only assume the boy is in the custody of Child Protective Services, which pleases me since he will now be surrounded by people who do use their brains… at least I hope they do.


My second and final example of brainless humans truly takes the cake, as they say. It involves Dwayne Yeager, a 31-year-old man from Brandon, Florida who was recently arrested for doing something he didn’t even know was illegal.

Early Monday morning, police responded to a non-emergency call from Yeager indicating that his Bridlewood Way home had been burglarized. “My door’s open, my windows to my son’s bedroom are wide open… and my TV’s in there on the ground,” he told the dispatcher. And when asked if he had seen anything suspicious in the area, Yeager mentioned a white Honda Civic that was pulling away just as he arrived home that morning.

Yeager repeated this information to responding officers, but they soon started to notice some discrepancies in his story. The interior of his home appeared ransacked and one window was wide open, but there were no signs of forced entry to be found anywhere. And when they spoke to his neighbors, officers learned that Yeager was seen leaving his house that morning, returning 45 minutes later, lifting his blinds and opening the window himself. He then returned to the front yard and waited for police to arrive.

Armed with this new information, officers asked Yeager to explain these discrepancies and finally learned the truth: he staged the break-in because he didn’t want to go to work!

Another candidate for Genius of the Year, Dwayne Yeager (Bay News 9)

Another candidate for Genius of the Year, Dwayne Yeager (Bay News 9)

Apparently, Yeager’s wife insisted that he go to work, but he really didn’t want to and thought faking a burglary was the best way to get out of it. And when the cops explained how doing this was illegal and could result in some jail time, Yeager was shocked and claimed he had no idea what he did was a crime!

Obviously, Yeager was arrested on-the-spot and taken to the Orient Road Jail, where he currently resides and may remain for a short time. When he eventually returns home, though, it may be to disgruntled neighbors, who didn’t appreciate being awoken by cops and K-9 dogs so early in the morning… and on a Monday, no less.

I don’t know Dwayne Yeager personally, but I do have some advice for him: the next time you want to get out of work, consider calling in sick instead. It’s pretty effective and won’t end with you handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser, I assure you.

Of course, I have even broader advice for all the guys mentioned here: USE YOUR FREAKING BRAINS! They were put there for a reason, so why not use them from time to time?

Posted on April 3, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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