Reality Round-Up: “Freakout” Edition

Freaky Friday has arrived! (Edge Online)

Wow!

When I started to browse the Internet this morning for more blogging material, I never expected to find so much freakiness—and not just on one news website, but nearly all of them!

Rather than boring you with an unnecessarily long introduction to these bizarre stories, let’s instead launch into the latest edition of the Reality Round-Up… guaranteed to freak you out!

LOCATION UNKNOWN: I have no idea where this happened, but a woman working in an office somewhere was recently caught on video doing something extremely disgusting. The footage shows her entering the office’s kitchenette, stealing milk for her coffee from a coworker, and then replacing it with her own supply of breast milk! Yuck!

Of course, this isn’t nearly as nasty as the tenth-grader being investigated by police in Bakersfield, California for allegedly passing out cupcakes made with pubic hair, pills, spoiled food and semen. Granted, the cupcakes were high in protein and were only given to students who had been picking on her, but her methods are still frowned upon.

The medium kind of spoils the message (Media Bistro)

WORCESTER COUNTY, MARYLAND: A senior from Stephen Decatur High School is in deep shit (pun intended) after he got busted for sending not one, but three packages of fecal matter to his vice principal. The poo-poo in question came from dogs and cows, but it was the student who paid the price. He’s now been charged with three counts of molesting a school administrator—which can be a little misleading—as well as three counts of disturbing activities at school. I bet he won’t pull this shit again!

TURKEY (the country, not the poultry): Tired of the U.S. dating scene? Then why not travel to Turkey for an appearance on “Luck of the Draw,” a popular dating show on Flash TV? Apparently, their dating pool is much deeper and they are far less selective about their contestants. Consider recent date candidate Sefer Calinak, a 62-year-old looking for love despite having killed two women and serving nearly five years in prison. Producers said they were aware of his first murder, but allowed him to compete since he served his time. The second murder came as a bit of a surprise, though, so Calinak’s on-air revelation was quickly followed by his dismissal from the show… which means they probably have an opening if anyone’s interested!

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH: Loving the Lord is one thing, but loving your homeless girlfriend on the lawn of a church—in full view of children and attendees at a wedding—is something else altogether. Unfortunately, this very thing happened to 56-year-old Wilson Benally and his attractive lady friend, 60-year-old Sandra Kruser. On Sunday, they were arrested for engaging in oral sex outside Sacred Heart Catholic Church. And when police approached Benally and ordered him to stop—he apparently had his “tongue and finger inside of Ms. Kruser’s vagina,” according to officer Rich Stone—he ignored them and kept on going! Eventually, the couple was pried apart and arrested, but I guarantee this is a day that newlywed couple will never forget!

When you're this good-looking, why wouldn't people want to watch your oral explorations? (Salt Lake City PD)

When you’re this good-looking, why wouldn’t people want to watch your oral explorations? (Salt Lake City PD)

BRAZIL: In another bizarre story, officials in Brazil recently reported on Francisco de Souza de Castro, a 66-year-old man accused of sexually abusing a 3-year-old girl. Apparently, he was found on the side of the road with three missing fingers and another severed appendage: his penis! It seems residents of the area were unwilling to wait for court justice and took the law—and Castro’s dick—into their own hands. Police are still searching for the knife-happy culprits, but something even more disturbing has come to light recently: the young victim was examined and it turns out that she wasn’t even raped! I don’t know who’s doing the fact-checking for these attackers, but it’s probably best to confirm criminal charges before lopping off someone’s manhood, don’t you think?

OSAKA, JAPAN: 41-year-old taxi driver Toshihiko Nishi was arrested Wednesday on “suspicion of a violent act” after authorities discovered dozens of videos of women peeing on themselves in his cab. As it turned out, Nishi was lacing crackers with diuretics—like Lasix—feeding them to his female passengers and then refusing them access to a toilet, instructing them to instead pee on his seat. “I got excited by watching women trying to withstand the urge to urinate,” he later told police. In the world of sexual fetishes, this is what’s known as wet work, which is still better than brown work. I’m sure you can figure out exactly what that entails!

Seduced by a child? Give me a break! (Greene County Jail)

Seduced by a child? Give me a break! (Greene County Jail)

REPUBLIC, MISSOURI: Our final story comes ironically enough from the Show-Me State and involves Cleo Morgan, a 67-year-old man recently arrested on charges of rape, sodomy and molestation of an 11-year-old girl. At first, Morgan maintained his innocence, but eventually admitted to the sex crimes with one caveat: he claimed that the young girl seduced him! I don’t know if she dangled Pokemon toys in front of him, forced him into heavy petting while listening to the latest Justin Bieber album, or used stuffed Disney characters in weird sex games, but this seems like kind of a stretch. Nice try, jackass!

Now can you understand why I opened this article with an expression of shock and disbelief?

Posted on May 9, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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