Reality Round-Up: WTF Edition
Believe it or not, but the news is chock full of stories much more interesting and less annoying than all the political protesting and incessant partisan bickering over the Obama administration’s recent deal to recover POW Bowe Bergdahl from the Taliban. I could write endlessly about this, of course—especially given GOP hypocrisy over a deal many Republicans supported only a few years ago—but I choose instead to focus on some other, more compelling news stories.
In other words, welcome to the WTF edition of the Reality Round-Up! Let’s get right into it, shall we?
Experts from Harvard University have confirmed that a 19th-century book by French author Arsene Houssaye entitled Des destinees de l’ame was bound not in leather or some other “typical” book covering; it was bound using human skin!
Hannibal Lecter would be so proud.
This practice—known as anthropodermic bibliopegy—may seem rather dark and gruesome today, but there was a time when it wasn’t so unusual. According to a representative from Harvard’s Houghton Library, “the binding of books in human skin has occurred at least since the 16th century.” In fact, “the confessions of criminals were occasionally bound in the skin of the convicted.”
In this particular case, though, the skin came from “the unclaimed body of a female mental patient who had died of a stroke.” How freaking cool is that?
On Sunday, police at the East Precinct station in Seattle noticed a fire burning in the alley behind their building. When they investigated, officers discovered a 31-year-old man who had not only relieved himself in the street—leaving a steaming pile of stink on the asphalt—but also lit his excrement on fire!
When asked why he lit his shit, the man claimed not to know that starting a fire was illegal—even though some nearby trash bins were filled with paper and could easily have gone up in flames. Obviously, his excuse didn’t fly and he was arrested for reckless burning.
I guess reckless pooping isn’t a crime then, huh?
Thanks to the Internet, people simply don’t visit public libraries as often as they once did—and that might not be a bad thing, either.
In late May, Toronto police arrested 49-year-old Fredrick Tennyson Davis at the Agincourt Library and charged him with committing an indecent act. Actually, this was his second such offense since he was never caught the first time. What exactly did Davis do, you ask?
He masturbated in public with his wiener in one hand and a cucumber in the other!
Fortunately, Davis was unable to use his cucumbers this time because as soon as someone spotted him entering the library with his favorite vegetable, they called the cops. Later, when asked if Davis posed a threat to anyone in the library, Constable David Hopkinson replied in true, comedic form, “I don’t think he had any free hands to make any threat.”
Nicely stated, my man, but don’t forget that cucumbers can be used as weapons, too!
XINXIANG CITY, HENAN PROVINCE, CHINA
This next story is tragic, but also very interesting when you consider the circumstances surrounding it.
On Wednesday, a woman accidentally dropped her cell phone into a cesspool filled with human waste. To lend a hand, her husband decided to climb into the “open-pit toilet” to retrieve her device, only it wasn’t meant to be. Within minutes, the stench and excremental gases caused him to lose consciousness and fall into the foul concoction.
Seconds later, the man’s mother jumped in to help her son, but she too was overcome by the stink and fainted. Next came the owner of the phone—who also passed out—as well as a handful of others who met similar fates.
By the time the smoke cleared, so to speak—and after waiting more than an hour for first responders to arrive—the husband and his mother were dead, the wife was in a coma and several others were injured… all to save a cell phone valued at $300!
Sorry, but this tragedy stinks in so many ways.
VOLUSIA COUNTY, FLORIDA
Our final story comes from Florida and once again involves—you guessed it—a man’s penis.
I assure you this trend was unplanned. Yes, I own a penis, but I certainly don’t feel impelled to report on every other penis in the world… until now, I suppose.
Anyway, this particular penis belonged to 77-year-old Luis Gonzaga, who was arrested Wednesday at the Volusia County Fairgrounds. Apparently, he was visiting the farmer’s market and decided to do something unusual: he wrapped a plastic bag around his junk, got in line behind a woman and poked her several times with his ding-dong.
Another shopper saw what was happening and screamed to alert the victim, who later said she felt “what she assumed was a bag of produce” touch her twice from behind. Gonzaga was soon arrested and charged with indecent exposure, battery and lewd or lascivious exhibition.
Is it possible he’s related to the cucumber-wielding guy from Toronto? Better yet, do they consider themselves to be vegans? They certainly seem to love vegetables!
Have a great weekend, peeps… and keep your eyes peeled for more WTF stories to come. I’m sure it won’t be long now.
Posted on June 6, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged Bowe Bergdahl, commentary, Crime and Justice, current-events, entertainment, funny, Hannibal Lecter, humor, news, Obama, perspectives, politics, stupid, WTF. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.