There and Back Again
After a relatively relaxing week at the beach—and a brief respite from daily blogging—I returned to find that very little has changed. The news is still chock full of craziness, and I immediately found some gems worth sharing with you fine people. Rather than presenting them all as another edition of the Reality Round-Up, here’s a quick whip-around instead. Enjoy!
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI: Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but apparently someone forgot to mention this to an as-yet-unidentified man in Kansas City. Last Thursday evening, a young and very intoxicated guy busted the front window of the Kansas City Costume Company, stole a yellow cape and feathered cap—originally from an Atlantic City show from the 1970s—put them on and proceeded to have drinks at a neighboring bar. Before the police arrived to arrest him, he even took pictures with some of the bar’s patrons, who affectionately labeled him the Big Bird Bandit. Too bad this heinous crime occurred on Grand Boulevard rather than Sesame Street!
HUTCHINSON, KANSAS: I have never been a fan of spiders, but I respect them and only kill them when they enter my home. Normally, I use a shoe, large book or a handful of paper towels to slaughter these household pests, but a Kansas woman took spider-killing one step further recently and used a different weapon: her lighter. Ginny Griffith apparently saw an arachnid intruder last Friday in a pile of towels, lit the towels on fire and nearly burned down her apartment and several surrounding apartments. Needless to say, the fire was extinguished by firefighters and police awarded Griffith with aggravated arson charges. And the spider’s remains were never found.
SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS: Almost every guy I know has fantasized about being a fly on the wall in the women’s locker room, free to check out beautiful—and often nude—ladies without fear of reprisal. In most cases, however, this fantasy remains just that: a fantasy. Once in a while, though, fantasy becomes reality and men take things way too far, as was the case in a Massachusetts Planet Fitness health club recently. On Wednesday, a member in the women’s locker room discovered a hidden video camera and immediately phoned the police. When officers examined the video—which had been running for roughly 20 minutes—all their questions were put to rest because the perverted guy responsible for the camera also caught himself on tape setting it up! Honestly, guys like these give my gender a bad name—and I promise not all men are this stupid.
MACON, GEORGIA: On Thursday, a Macon man learned a valuable—and painful—lesson about gun safety. He was sitting in the parking lot of a Sunoco gas station, decided to holster his .45 pistol and accidentally shot himself in the penis. Somehow, he managed to drive to a nearby friend’s house, where he discovered that the bullet went in through his junk and out through his ass. No word yet on the state of his bullet-ridden manhood, but he was transferred to a regional medical center, so he’ll probably be fine. And I guarantee he considers wearing a shoulder holster next time!
MIDDLETOWN, CONNECTICUT: Charles Francis Stack is a 22-year-old man who hates his female neighbor so much that he decided to attack her last week… with pee-pee! For whatever reason, Stack always hated his neighbor—often threatening her and using profanity in her presence—and last Thursday, he lashed out in the grossest possible fashion. Stack went into this poor woman’s room with a container of very stinky urine and used it to douse her body, face, clothing and basically the entire room. Fortunately, the cops arrived to arrest him before he could move on to Act Two—and we all know what that would involve!
Thank you, World, for being so crazy… and so bloody newsworthy, too!
Posted on July 1, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged commentary, Crime and Justice, current-events, entertainment, funny, humor, news, perspectives, stupid, writing. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.