Wu-Tang, No Wang

Christ Bearer said he had been studying some literature about monks and vasectomies and was extremely high when he took the knife to his genitals and jumped.

Andre Johnson severed his Johnson (Facebook)

On April 16th in Hollywood, Northstar member and Wu-Tang Clan-affiliated rapper Andre Johnson—also known as Christ Bearer—severed his penis in a PCP-fueled bout of self-mutilation and leaped out a second story window. Fortunately, he woke up in a hospital bed the next day and has since been recovering silently—until now.

Recently, Johnson—an ironic name given the circumstances—opened up and actually spoke about that fateful night, his intentions and the consequences of his impulsive—and emasculating—actions.

“I didn’t want to kill myself,” he said in a slightly higher tone. “That was just my response to the demons [PCP]. They were doing their best to get to me, but being alive solidified my thoughts.”

Sadly, his thoughts will be the only things that solidify now.  Doctors were unable to re-attach his penis, but there is hope.

“I definitely have some penis left,” Johnson said of his Johnson. “I always say a penis is a penis. And the sensation is still there. I definitely get extremely aroused if I see a beautiful woman. That being said, I definitely believe sex is for mortals, and I am a god. So this is a blessing, not a curse.”

1. Slice the sausage lengthwise down the middle, making sure to pierce the skin but not cutting all the way through the sausage

Relax. It’s only sausage (The Seasonal Gourmet)

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, pal. I mean, Lord.

The good news for Johnson is that he’s alive, he’s healthy, he’s been pronounced psychologically fit—a fact I would likely still dispute—and he just had a daughter, Kennedy.

“I’m very optimistic about the future,” he said. “I just had a daughter and I plan to be part of her life for a long time.”

Personally, I’d say Christ Bearer has a really good chance of making that happen—as long as he stops chopping himself up, that is. And I still can’t understand how a man could do something like that to himself, aside from being interested in gender reassignment or something. Here’s how he explained it:

“I cut it off because that was the root of all my problems… I was in complete control.”

Clearly, that wasn’t the case, but whatever. It’s your penis, Mr. Johnson, and you are free to use or abuse it any way you see fit.

I only wish you had started with a finger, you know?

Posted on July 16, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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