Reality Round-Up: The Bad, the Ugly and the Even Uglier
Whoever first pointed out how reality can be stranger than fiction sure knew what they were talking about, huh? Here are some stories from around the world that prove just how strange—and utterly disturbing—reality can get. Brace yourselves.
Hamilton, Ohio: If you lived in Hamilton, Ohio between 1976 and 2012—and if you lost someone whose body was transported to the local morgue—odds are that 60-year-old morgue attendant Kenneth Douglas had sex with it. In a recent deposition as part of a lawsuit against Hamilton County, the perverted old bastard admitted to “banging” not one corpse, not even ten corpses, but as many as 100 of them! What’s more, one of his deceased lovers was a 19-year-old girl who had been murdered and nearly decapitated! When asked why he did it, Douglas had only one thing to say: “She gave good head.” Okay, I made that last part up, but he’s still a freak.
London, England: Last week, a coroner’s inquest into the 2013 death of 50-year-old Nigel Willis determined exactly what killed him: a vibrator lodged in his rectum. Apparently, the sex toy perforated his bowel, caused septic shock and eventually caused multiple organs to fail. He was pronounced dead on February 7th and though I have no idea what his death certificate stated, I can only assume “death by vibrator” was listed as the cause. Pleasure gave way to pain, in other words, and poor Nigel paid the ultimate price.
Mary Esther, Florida: House-hunting can be challenging for anyone, especially first-time buyers. Of course, it can be even more difficult when you use it as an excuse for public masturbation. Laugh if you will, but this very thing happened to 21-year-old Daniel Lewis Davis recently. According to the eyewitness account of a 5-year-old girl, Davis parked his Ford F-150 in a residential neighborhood, stripped down to his birthday suit, pleasured himself in the middle of the road, ran up and down the road several times and then drove away. Fortunately, he was stopped by a deputy in the area and arrested after claiming he was simply house-hunting. The fact that he had two previous arrests for indecent exposure certainly screwed that excuse up for him, though. What a tool… pun intended.
Martinsburg, West Virginia: According to a report issued last month by West Virginia’s Board of Medicine, weight loss doctor Tressie Duffy will no longer be permitted to practice medicine. Why, you ask? Well, it turns out that Dr. Duffy got some new breasts and decided to start flaunting them all over the office. She showed co-workers, patients and even drug representatives, some of whom were invited to touch and squeeze them. Duffy even forced one of her female co-workers to “motorboat” her breasts, which for the uninitiated involves putting your face between them and making a motor sound as you blow a huge raspberry between them and move your head from side to side. I’m sure there are some videos available on YouTube for anyone needing a visual aid.
Seattle, Washington: Our next story comes from the great state of Washington and involves 33-year-old Sila Hans, who was recently arrested and charged with indecent exposure and public urination. Apparently, Hans went into a neighbor’s yard, urinated on it, dry-humped some lawn furniture and then exposed her vagina, smacking it a few times for good measure. Sadly, she did all of this in full view of two children—an 11-year-old and a 15-year-old. And though she was highly intoxicated at the time, there can be no doubt that when it comes to lawn furniture sex, the conversation begins and ends with Hans.
Albuquerque, New Mexico: The perfect end to this edition of the Reality Round-Up is provided by 53-year-old Shari Walters, who was arrested last Wednesday at her Albuquerque home. Two weeks ago, one of her roommates returned home to find Walters lying naked in the backyard with her German shepherd, Spike. The faint afterglow surrounding Walters indicated some sexual act had taken place and she even confessed to having sex with the dog. In fact, Walters confessed to having canine sex regularly since she was 14 years old! As if this weren’t bad enough, Walters then tried to poison her roommates so they wouldn’t tell on her; she put rubbing alcohol and toilet bowl cleaner in their food. Fortunately, no one was harmed—aside from Spike—and Walters was taken to jail.
And here I thought dogs were supposed to be man’s best friend!
Posted on August 18, 2014, in Perspectives and tagged commentary, Crime and Justice, current-events, death, entertainment, funny, humor, news, perspectives, sex, stupid. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.