Monthly Archives: October 2014

Night of Terror

Those were the days! (Flickr)

Oh, how I miss the Halloween of my youth.

As a child growing up in 1970s America, Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. I remember going to the local drug store with my parents, walking down rows of boxed costumes, selecting my identity for the evening and drooling over all the candy to come with the setting sun.

Sure, there were warnings about razor blades in apples, but none of us really cared since we would never eat the apples we were given. If anything, we tossed them into bushes, threw them at each other or chucked them back at the houses from whence they came.

All we wanted was candy, and lots of it.

Back then—and once I was old enough to handle things on my own—my friends and I could trick-or-treat without our parents. We never worried about pedophiles, psycho killers and other villains intent on doing us harm. The world was a safer place, we knew our neighbors and we all looked out for one another.

You think I’m kidding, but Kim Kardashian costumes could be all the rage this year (NY Daily News)

It was a far cry from today, in other words.

Of course, this doesn’t stop me from venturing out with my son every Halloween, collecting (and checking) mounds of candy and withdrawing indoors to watch scary movies until the wee hours of the morning. It’s not the Halloween I remember, but to my seven-year-old son it’s still new and exciting. And now it’s his turn to make some memories.

So as you venture out tonight with your brood—dressed as superheroes, monsters or even reality television stars (think Kardashians)—I hope you enjoy the spookiness that Halloween has to offer while also being safe. It should be a fun time for all!

Politics as Usual

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… but not really (Getty Images)

I absolutely love election season!

If you sense sarcasm in that statement, it’s probably because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

Truthfully, politics suck. And they suck worst of all leading up to an election, mostly because once-tranquil front yards get peppered with campaign signs and enjoyable television shows get interrupted by endless campaign commercials… most of which aren’t even sponsored by the candidates themselves!

Of course, what annoy me most of all are the ridiculous claims made by GOP candidates, conservative talk-show hosts and other Republican supporters. Granted, Democrats have their share of problems—as do all politicians—but for some reason, the GOP tends to be more public in their inanity.

Don’t take my word for it, though. Consider these examples and decide for yourself:

  • In Sarasota, Florida on Tuesday night, conservative radio host Dennis Prager claimed the number of sexual assaults on college campuses was little more than an attempt by Democrats to win votes. “It’s a gargantuan lie to get votes,” Prager claimed. “It’s as big a lie as the culture of rape on your campuses. What nonsense.” I guess the fact that one in five women is sexually assaulted on college campuses means nothing, huh?
  • New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently supported the quarantine of Kaci Hickox, a nurse returning from West Africa who tested negative for the Ebola virus, yet was forced into isolation at a Newark hospital. When Hickox was finally released on Monday, she threatened a lawsuit and prompted this response from the “big-boned” governor: “Whatever. Get in line. I’ve been sued lots of times before… I’m happy to take it on.” And some people thought this rude and immature jackass should run for president!
  • On Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker released a campaign video that featured his female lieutenant governor praising his support of equal pay for women. Unfortunately, Walker seems to have forgotten that several years ago he signed a bill that repealed the state’s Equal Pay Enforcement Act. Can anyone say hypocrisy?
  • Jody Hice, a conservative radio host and Republican candidate for Georgia’s 10th District, recently suggested that removing prayer from schools led to the pedophilia scandal at Penn State University several years ago. “The whole issue is a morally bankrupt nation is where we are,” Hice explained. “You can go back decades as we first kicked the Bible out of schools and prayer out of schools, and we’ve just basically been going downhill since then.” Of course, few people are more “morally bankrupt” than politicians, but as long as they’re praying, why should that matter?

These are just a few of the crazy GOP stories floating around out there, but the “best of the bunch” still centers on one very irrelevant political pundit, the great Sarah Palin. Aside from threatening to run for office again—which added even more horror to this year’s Halloween festivities—Palin also compared the “junk science” of climate change to past hysteria over eugenics (the belief and practice of improving the quality of human genetics).

Every time she opens her mouth, the environment dies a little (Addicting Info)

Palin admits that climate change exists, but refuses to accept any of it is man-made. “No one has proven that these changes are caused by anything done by human beings via greenhouse gases,” she said recently. “There’s no convincing scientific evidence for man-made climate change. The climate has always been changing.”

And this woman came close to being our Vice President? What the hell?

Of course, Palin couldn’t be more incorrect in her claim, and I’ll tell you why: politicians are contributing to climate change right now. As they sling their political bullshit, they produce more methane, which in turn leads to global warming.

Want to help with climate change, Sarah? Shut your mouth and I’m sure we will all be better off!

Tit-for-Tatts?

White wants to remember her sex crimes forever (PinIt)

Lately, it seems as if the news is full of stories about teachers engaging in sexual malfeasance with their students. In most cases, the teachers are female and their victims are male, but there is no clear formula for these misguided affairs.

Of course, leave it to a teacher from North Carolina to not only break the mold, but to do so in the most ridiculous and ignorant fashion imaginable.

The teacher in question is Michelle Smith White, a dance instructor who was charged last July for taking indecent liberties with a 15-year-old female student at Durham’s Charles E. Jordan High School in 2012.

Apparently, White befriended this young girl and started to sexually abuse her. She even considered arranging a threesome with her husband, who hasn’t been charged with any wrongdoing, as far as I know. White even communicated with this student after her parents asked her to stop—it was in one of her text messages that the word “threesome” was mentioned.

White obviously resigned from her position after being arrested and is set to appear in court early next month.

Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right? Wrong!

Since engaging in a lesbian affair with an underage student wasn’t ignorant enough, White decided to go a step further: she got a tattoo of the girl’s name and initials, along with an “artist rendering which would be symbolic of the juvenile.”

Beauty and brains. What a deadly combination… not!

An Invasive Procedure

Pink power! (Cafepress)

When 32-year-old Andrew Walls went to the Delaware Surgery Center for a colonoscopy, he was prepared for surgeons to “stick it to him” in a most uncomfortable, yet predictable way.

When he awoke from surgery, though, he realized something even more disturbing than a sore butthole: his normal underwear had been replaced with a pair of fashionable pink panties!

Apparently, Walls worked at the center and fell victim to an “outrageous” prank by his colleagues. And trust me… he was not happy.

Shortly after the prank, Walls lost his job due to “severe emotional stress.” And now he’s suing for damages. Here’s a brief excerpt from his lawsuit:

“When the plaintiff initially presented for his colonoscopy he had not been wearing pink women’s underwear and at no time did the plaintiff voluntarily, knowingly or intentionally place the pink women’s underwear upon himself.”

And this, to me, is the real problem: if Walls had been wearing ladies’ underwear to begin with, then none of this would have happened!

Hacked to Bits

Birds of a feather: Leatherface and Vitaly Zdorovetskiy (drafthouse.com)

Kudos to YouTube miscreant Vitaly Zdorovetskiy for posting what might be the scariest Halloween prank video of all time—The Chainsaw Massacre Prank.

You can watch the video by going HERE, but I warn you that it is pretty graphic. People with small children or chronic medical conditions may want to watch cartoons or cat videos instead.

The video is set in a parking garage and features Vitaly dressed as a chainsaw-wielding madman. His victim, who appears to be hacked to bits (hence my title), is actually Nick Santonastasso, an actor suffering from a genetic disorder whose symptoms include missing limbs.

In other words, what you see in the video is as far from reality as you can get. That doesn’t keep passersby from getting the proverbial shit scared out of them, though.

I hope you enjoy the video, which obviously went viral shortly after its release. And if you really like it, take a look at Vitaly’s behind-the-scenes video over HERE. It’s pretty interesting stuff!

Urban Zombie Cuisine

When the zombie apocalypse finally comes—as we all know it will, most likely from some mutated version of the Ebola virus—finding plentiful sources of human flesh will be extremely important… at least for those of us who have turned.

Fortunately, real estate website Trulia just released an infographic entitled “The Most Appetizing U.S. Cities for Zombies.” Check it out:

The ultimate guide to undead dining (Trulia)

In evaluating 25 American cities, real estate experts focused on four criteria:

  • Hospital density, because patients are easy pickings for the undead
  • Congestion (i.e. traffic)
  • Availability of hardware stores, which have everything you need to create some kick-ass, zombie-killing weapons
  • Walk score (how easy it would be for “walkers” to get around)

Congratulations to Honolulu, Hawaii for taking the number one spot! Flesh-eating luau, anyone?

I Quit!

Easy for you to say! (spiritedpsych.com)

I remember the day as clearly now as I did when it first happened. I was 15 years old, walking down a suburban street on my way to toilet paper a house with friends, when my buddy Jon turned to me and offered me something that would change my life forever: a cigarette.

There wasn’t any real peer pressure to accept his offer, but being the rebellious teen, I did. My first smoke was a Merit and, from what I recall, it was good enough for me to bum a second cigarette, then a third.

The next day, I purchased my first pack. And the rest, as they say, is history.

For nearly three decades, I smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style. At my worst, I smoked two packs of Marlboro Lights a day. Sure, there was occasional hacking and the frequent coughing up of nasty goo, but I persisted. I smoked in the car, in the house and in groups exiled outdoors by employers or non-smokers. There were daily trips to the store for more packs and I even took up buying cartons to make things a little cheaper.

In other words, I was a smoker in every possible sense. And I was proud of it, too, especially when all the holier-than-thou non-smokers started preaching about the dangers of tobacco. I lived in North Carolina, for goodness sake. Smoking tobacco helped support our state economy, so what I was really doing was “giving back” to my local community, right?

Wrong.

Bye bye, butts! (Huffington Post)

No matter what my excuse was for smoking—and for continuing to smoke—the sad fact is that I smoked because I was weak. Sure, I started to be cool, to fit in with friends and to rebel against the so-called establishment, but it didn’t take long for smoking to become little more than a bad habit. There was the oral fixation, the constant need to do something with my hands, the physical reliance on nicotine and all the other addictive shit cigarette manufacturers added to their products. I was hooked and kept on being hooked for 28 years.

Today—with luck—my smoking journey will end.

It won’t be easy, of course. There’s likely as much nicotine coursing through my veins as blood by now. And I have attempted to quit twice before, but neither attempt lasted more than six months. I tried nicotine patches, but found myself smoking while wearing them. Then there was Chantix, the smoking cessation medicine that replaced cigarettes with migraine headaches and nearly killed me. I suppose I could try nicotine gum, lozenges or even electronic cigarettes, but let’s face it. Those things provide nothing but a crutch, and I need to quit for real this time.

I hate to admit it, but my mother was right: cold turkey is the only way to quit effectively. She always said that when I was ready to quit—and when I finally convinced myself I was ready—then I would quit and never return. Well, it seems that time is now. I’m tired of having breathing problems and needing an inhaler to catch my breath. I’m tired of freezing my ass off in the winter by being forced to smoke outside. And most of all, I’m tired of bringing death closer and closer with every puff.

Today, I am a non-smoker. And here’s hoping my third attempt at quitting will be my last.

Reality Round-Up: What the Frick Edition

You said it! (memecrunch)

You said it! (memecrunch)

Leave it to our fellow humans to turn a rainy Wednesday afternoon into another opportunity to round up more shocking, disturbing and downright ridiculous news stories. I found all sorts of great—and not-so-great—material to share, so here’s a quick Reality Round-Up that should leave you with one burning question: What the frick is wrong with people?

50-year-old David Schofield—a firearms dealer from Lancaster, Ohio—was recently arrested for impersonating a police officer. Apparently, he was driving a Ford Crown Victoria made to look like a police car and shining a spotlight on his unsuspecting victims. On Monday night, he decided to pull over yet another person and used his car to block the man’s path. Unfortunately for Schofield, the man was actually an Akron police officer on his way to work!

Officer Schofield, I presume? (PinIt)

Officer Schofield, I presume? (PinIt)

Another police officer made the news recently, only this one was real (not some misguided impersonator). His name is Ted Arboleda and he was arrested in Broward County, Florida on Monday for “unlawful compensation or reward for official behavior.” The charges resulted from a 2013 incident where Arboleda nearly arrested a woman for possession of marijuana and prescription medication, as well as for not having a valid driver’s license. The woman was on probation and begged him not to arrest her, even offering him money to cut her loose. Arboleda declined the cash, but followed the woman home and accepted a different deal: oral sex. Sadly, he didn’t “get off” because the woman’s boyfriend turned him in!

FBI agents in Honolulu, Hawaii kept busy last Saturday evening when a man aboard a Japan Airlines flight had to be returned to Honolulu International Airport shortly after departing for Kansai International in Japan. As I understand it, Michael Tanouye—who suffers from depression and takes medication for it—forced his way into a bathroom occupied by a female passenger and attempted to rape her. Fortunately, flight attendants, passengers and an FBI special agent were able to remove the door’s hinges and prevent the sexual assault from taking place. And Tanouye was immediately returned to Honolulu and arrested. Did he really think he would get away with this? I mean, there’s only one way to escape from an airliner, and I seriously doubt he had a parachute handy!

Arboleda "blows" at his job (PinIt)

Arboleda “blows” at his job (PinIt)

I will end this edition of the Reality Round-Up with a final story from Muncie, Indiana, where a 17-year-old was recently arrested for something extremely gross and incredibly stupid. The teen was eating at Brothers Bar & Grill with several friends—members of the Ball State football team, no less—and decided to leave his waitress only a $2 tip. Instead of simply leaving the money on the table, though, he did something crude and unacceptable: he entered the bathroom and smeared shit all over the bills. When he returned to his table, he placed the shit-covered cash in the waitress’ check folder and started laughing when she picked it up. Seconds later, she noticed a “foul odor” and it didn’t take long to realize where it was coming from. Needless to say, the boy was arrested and released to a guardian since he’s still a minor. Waiters and waitresses take a lot of shit from their customers, but this is the first time I heard of one taking shit in a more literal sense!

What the frick is wrong with people?

SOB from the GOP

STEVE VAILLANCOURT

Judge not lest someone judge your ugly ass! (AP)

Last week—in an ill-conceived blog post—Rep. Steve Vaillancourt (R) from New Hampshire decided to attack Democratic candidate Ann McLane Kuster while simultaneously complimenting Marilinda Garcia, her Republican challenger. And he did so in the most immature and sexist way possible: he insulted her appearance.

“Let’s be honest,” Vaillancourt wrote. “Does anyone not believe that Congressman Annie Kuster is as ugly as sin? And I hope I haven’t offended sin. If looks really matter and if this race is at all close, give a decided edge to Marilinda Garcia.”

Apparently, Vaillancourt heard about some polling results that showed “an attractive candidate can have as much as a seven to ten point advantage over a less attractive (or even an unattractive) candidate.” And to him, Garcia is the attractive candidate while Kuster reminds him of a drag queen.

“Sad to say, but the drag queens are more attractive,” the six-term representative continued. “I’ve promised myself for years not to use this anecdote, but after seeing the story about the seven to ten point boost for the attractive, the story has political relevance.”

Kuster and Garcia (kuster.house.gov/marilindagarcia.com)

Obviously, Vaillancourt’s comments stirred up all kinds of controversy, even among those he attempted to compliment—namely Marilinda Garcia, whose office issued the following statement:

“State Rep. Vaillancourt’s recent comments about Rep. Ann Kuster are sexist and have absolutely no place in political discourse. Both Rep. Kuster and I have experienced this unfortunate reality of being a woman in politics. I hope that as time moves forward and more female candidates run for political office around the country, people will focus on the content of our ideas rather than what we wear and how we look.”

Sexist and downright mean comments like these are nothing new, of course. Politicians spend a great deal of their time insulting other politicians, and men almost always seem to be at the forefront of these types of attacks. What bothers me the most, though, isn’t what Vaillancourt wrote; it’s the fact that he should look in a mirror before identifying others as unattractive.

Where I come from, we would say he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! What a fool!

Mozart Done Right!

Sara X... one of our greatest composers! (YouTube)

Sara X… one of our greatest composers! (YouTube)

Although this post has no real merit—beyond sheer, testosterone-fueled entertainment, that is—I ran across this video today and simply had to share.

It shows tattooed model Sara X in a video posted to her YouTube channel… wiggling her fake boobs to the rhythm of Mozart’s Eine kleine Nachtmusik.

Check it out by going HERE.

Some critics claimed the performance was as “fake” as the breasts she was jiggling, but Sara quickly addressed them.

“While my boobs are very fake, the video is very real,” she wrote on Facebook. “I am flexing my pectoral muscles and it’s moving my implants.”

Whatever the case may be, all I know is that I am suddenly turning into a fan of classical music… and would gladly play Sara’s instruments anytime!

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