Monthly Archives: November 2014

Holiday Gift Ideas

stretch marks

Barbie with stretch marks is keeping it real! (Nickolay Lamm/Lammily)

One week from today is the dreaded Black Friday, the official first day of the Christmas shopping season. Stores around the country will open early and entice customers with all sorts of sales and “door buster” specials. And despite consumer spending being in a slump, you better believe people will be fighting tooth-and-nail to find the perfect gifts for friends and loved ones.

Personally, I try not to leave the house on Black Friday. Crowds and traffic really bother me and I tend to have a short fuse for rude people and bad drivers. It’s probably best I become a recluse and do the majority of my shopping online.

Of course, I also run across great gift ideas as I cruise through cyberspace, so why not share them with you good people? Here are some “hot sellers” for 2014, all of which should make quite an impression on their recipients:

  • Artist and researcher Nickolay Lamm has designed Lammily dolls, which some people have described as Normal Barbies. Basically, these are dolls that more realistically portray average American women—namely an average 19-year-old woman. You can even purchase an add-on pack of stickers that allow children to give their dolls stretch marks, tattoos, cellulite, acne, scars and more!
  • Kristof Retezar, a student at the University of Applied Arts in Vienna, has designed something known as Fontus. Named after the Roman god of springs and wells, Fontus is a device that attaches to the back of a bicycle, condenses moisture from the air and wind, and uses it to fill a water bottle hidden behind the seat. Granted, it hasn’t been perfected or manufactured yet, but it might be a good gift for the athlete in your family sometime in the next few years. And it never hurts to start shopping early, does it?
  • At the November 19th DEMO conference, two science guys—Austin Heinz and Gilad Gome—previewed the Sweet Peach, a probiotic for women that can help prevent UTIs and yeast infections. Of course, it has another effect that some may find even more appealing: it makes a woman’s vagina smell like peaches! If you know anyone interested in a hoo-ha that smells of fresh fruit, then this is the gift for you!

Now your lady can smell like Princess Peach, too! (Nintendo/Fanpop)

Sadly, I am unable to link to pages where these gifts can be purchased. My blog would get shut down for sure if I did that. However, these gift ideas should make one thing abundantly clear about Christmas 2014: there is indeed something for everyone!

A Grand Time

Grandma-rijuana (YouTube/Cut.com)

Grandma-rijuana (YouTube/Cut.com)

The people from Cut.com did something hilarious recently: they asked three grandmothers in Washington State to smoke marijuana for the first time.

As I’m sure you know, marijuana is legal for recreational use there, so no laws were broken.

The YouTube video of these brave women can be seen HERE and I assure you, it’s worth checking out. I hope you enjoy it!

Pop-Up Post: Sausage-Related Violence

If you touch a man’s sausage, you have to expect a reaction (Wikipedia Commons)

Donte Frye of Baltimore, Maryland was convicted of attempted murder in 2013 and just received a sentence of 25 years in prison for throwing a pot of boiling water in his roommate’s face.

His victim suffered severe scarring and second-degree burns. Why?

Because Frye thought he had eaten his breakfast sausages. How ridiculous is that?

A Baaa-d Habit

Words to live by (Funny T-Shirts/Savatoons)

As final exam time approaches on most college campuses, students search for ways to alleviate the increasing amounts of stress they experience. Some turn to constructive methods of stress relief, like meditation and exercise, while others choose a darker, more disturbing path.

This is about a student in the last group—a college student from California’s Fresno State University.

Early this morning—around 3:30 a.m.—police were called to FSU’s agricultural barn to investigate some strange noises… noises coming from the school’s Sheep Unit (hint hint).

When the cops arrived, they caught a fifth-year computer engineering student with his pants down… literally. The young man was on top of a ewe and initially claimed to be “wrestling cattle,” despite there being no cattle to speak of in the area. When officers pointed this out to him, he then claimed to be beating and punching the sheep to release stress.

That wasn’t the truth either, I’m afraid.

After questioning the student further, he finally admitted to his real crime: having sex with the sheep, an act he claimed was the result of too much drinking.

“Am I going to be expelled for this?” he asked. The cops couldn’t provide him with an answer, of course—due process being what it is—but he was charged with sexual assault of an animal. Fortunately, the ewe is being treated by a local veterinarian and should be fine.

I’m sorry, but wasn’t the drinking supposed to provide this guy’s stress relief?

Better yet, will security be posted outside the Sheep Unit so another student’s unit doesn’t end up in a sheep?

Jedi Babies

Two adorable toddlers dressed as Darth Vader and Princess Leia engage in a fierce lightsaber battle over a cupcake. Click through to find out who wins. <span class=meta>Oscar Rene/YouTube</span>

Using the force was never this adorable (Oscar Rene/YouTube)

With Episode VII set to open roughly a year from now, Star Wars buzz is starting to build and even toddlers and babies are getting into the spirit.

Take this VIDEO from filmmaker Oscar Rene Lozoya II entitled Star Wars Jedi Babies – Crib Wars Episode I: The Baby Menace. It features his kids as characters from a galaxy far, far away—and it could not be cuter.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Get to the Bottom of It

Perry probed about anal sex at Dartmouth (The New Yorker)

Last week, Texas governor and staunch Republican Rick Perry visited the campus of Dartmouth College in New Hampshire, where he delivered a campaign speech to students. Unfortunately, some of the questions asked of him involved homosexuality and anal sex, two very sore subjects for the conservative politician.

One question came from Ben Packer—no pun intended—who attempted to bring attention to Perry’s perceived homophobia through shocking verbiage: “In 2002, you supported Texas’s anti-sodomy laws. Do you dislike booty sex because the peeny goes in where the poopy comes out?”

Granted, his phrasing was a little punchy, to say the least, but The Dartmouth columnist Emily Sellers put the question in perspective in her article “Politically Combustible Youth”:

“He used childish language to highlight Perry’s childish logic regarding (homo)sexuality — he denies thousands of people human rights because he finds anal sex icky. Childish language strips the act of all stigma surrounding homophobia and forces him to confront the unfounded reasons he condemns anal sex. Further, laws against sodomy are explicit — they can limit legal sex to a penis going into a vagina and punish people who do anything else. Supporting a constitutional amendment that limits marriage to a man and a woman is sexually explicit and is a main tenet of conservative platforms. The words “booty sex” are explicit, but it is already part of the conversation; pretending it isn’t just to be polite doesn’t qualify as civil discourse.”

Of course, Sellers asked a question that many found controversial, as well: “Would you have anal sex for $102 million?” As it turns out, $102 million represents the total campaign contributions Perry received during his runs for governor.

Neither question received a response, as you might imagine, but I certainly give these students “props” for being brave enough to ask them!

Loving Anna Kendrick

anna cover

You better be nice to Anna K! (Marie Claire)

In the December issue of Marie Claire magazine, actress Anna Kendrick—who also made the cover—discusses her physical appearance and the criticism she often receives for her looks.

“The most common thing that I get is, ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t think that Anna Kendrick is pretty?’” she said. “And you’re like, ‘No, you’re not the only one. Arguably, all of the boys in my high school agree with you.”

Apparently, this wasn’t the first time Kendrick had to defend her image. Something similar happened last August in an interview with Glamour magazine.

“The thing is, my appearance—that’s never been my moneymaker. I’m fine being small. I’m fine being all the things I am. And I’m happy I’m not supposed to be on the ’50 Most Beautiful’ list all the time, because that would be super fucking stressful,” she said.

What strikes me most about all of this is the fact that Anna Kendrick is absolutely gorgeous, talented and amazing in so many ways. How could anyone not only find her looks unattractive, but also find cause for criticizing her appearance so much she feels obligated to defend her physical form publicly?

Some people truly are dumb as shit. And I tell you what: if no one out there appreciates how beautiful and unique Anna Kendrick is, then she can come straight to me. I’ll make sure she’s treated as well as she deserves. And not a day will go by when she won’t feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I promise you (and Anna) that.

The Devil and Miss Jackass

What the Devil might drink for an energy boost (Monster Energy)

In a video that went viral on YouTube this weekend, a woman claimed that Monster Energy drinks weren’t the chosen products of God or Jesus, but of Satan himself.

Check it out HERE.

Apparently, she believes that the M in Monster resembles the Hebrew numbers for 666, Satan’s lucky number. She also feels the line through the O in Monster is really part of a cross representing the Antichrist.

“You see these Ms everywhere—hats, t-shirts, bumper stickers. Is there another agenda here?” the woman asked. “If God can use people and product, so can Satan.”

And don’t even get her started on Monster Energy’s advertising motto “Unleash the Beast.”

Now that I think about it, she probably deserves the Jackass of the Day Award… but it’s still a little early to award that!

Restored Faith

I know how you feel, Mr. President (Stress Management Tips)

Have you ever had one of those days when you felt like selling everything you owned, leaving your unsatisfying life behind and disappearing to start fresh somewhere else, most likely as a completely different person?

I have. And it’s happened almost daily since I quit smoking nearly two weeks ago.

Granted, I know the nicotine withdrawal my body is experiencing has something to do with it. I was a smoker for almost three decades, so I knew the physical effects would be pretty intense. And I honestly don’t miss cigarettes at all. They’re nothing more than little white and brown devils that make me feel terrible the moment I light them up, so what’s to miss?

No, the real problem is the effect non-smoking has had on my tolerance level for bullshit. I mean, I always had road rage. Only now I get so annoyed by bad drivers that I’m tempted to run them off the road every time they pull out in front of me, travel slower than the posted speed limit or focus more attention on their cell phones than the road ahead. Sure, they may receive a one-finger greeting or an expletive-filled “how-de-do,” but I still fantasize about doing something more serious in nature.

Of course, the recent mid-term elections didn’t help my outlook much, either. After years of gridlock and partisan posturing in Washington, we can now look forward to even more political bullshit in the next few years. To me, a Republican-run House and Senate mean nothing significant will be accomplished… and more people will get screwed in the process. Take Obamacare, for instance, which the GOP hopes to repeal. I know it isn’t perfect, but now we can look forward to insurance companies sticking it to people once again. And as long as big companies and corporations get paid—along with Republicans themselves—it’s all good, right?

Wrong. Politics are a joke and Washington seems like little more than a bad comedy club.

Yes, things seemed pretty grim earlier today. Fortunately, though, I read a story that lifted my spirits and restored my faith in humanity… at least for now.

SIEGEL POURNAZARIAN

Dylan and his buddy Jonah (David Siegel)

The story was about Dylan Siegel, an 8-year-old boy from Los Angeles who published a book entitled Chocolate Bar. To date, his book has sold more than 21,000 copies, which in itself is quite a feat, especially for someone so young. What touched me was the fact that Dylan hasn’t made one penny off his book sales. Instead, all of the proceeds are going towards a University of Florida fund to support research on glycogen storage disease, otherwise known as GSD.

Glycogen storage disease affects how people process sugars and, believe it or not, Dylan’s best friend Jonah suffers from the affliction. Jonah’s body cannot process sugars, so his parents have to feed him a special diet… and through a tube in his stomach, no less. To help his friend—and to hopefully find a cure for the disease—Dylan donated his book earnings to the cause and launched a fundraising campaign that has almost reached $1 million. Support has poured in from more than 60 countries around the globe and, with any luck, even more donations are forthcoming.

And Dylan could not be happier.

“I am so, so, so excited to be able to help my friend,” the young author said recently. “I am thankful to people everywhere for letting me share my story and inspire kids to change the world.”

Maybe there’s hope for the human race yet…and for non-smokers like me, as well. Thanks for the inspiration, Dylan!

Doggy Style

Dogs are the best! (Mixfuns)

Dogs are great. They love their owners unconditionally, enhance people’s lives and prove there can be harmony between humans and members of the animal kingdom.

They also get abused by people who either torture and kill them, or take the term “man’s best friend” way too far. It’s the latter that grabbed my attention today.

In Brisbane, Australia, a 25-year-old woman named Jenna Louise Driscoll was charged with bestiality after police found some disturbing videos on her cell phone. They allegedly showed this petite blonde engaging in sex acts with a pit bull. Driscoll was also charged with drug trafficking, but that certainly isn’t the part of this story most of us will remember, is it?

Driscoll loves dogs a little too much (Annette Dew/Newspix)

Driscoll loves dogs a little too much (Annette Dew/Newspix)

In New Orleans, Louisiana, 26-year-old Angeline Lodice was arrested on claims that she raped not only a dog—on camera, no less—but also a three-year-old child. She was charged on Monday with crimes against nature, which is a polite way of saying she is seriously deranged and should never see the light of day again.

And in Miami, West Virginia, 47-year-old Jonnie Boggess was in court to defend a charge of misdemeanor animal cruelty he received in October. Apparently, Boggess sexually assaulted his two-year-old beagle Piglet and then alerted an animal rights group, who in turn contacted state police. When asked why he did this, Boggess said he thought it was “okay” since Piglet had been spayed and weighed more than forty pounds. Sadly, I have no response to that.

Of course, dogs aren’t always on the receiving end of abuses like the ones mentioned here. Sometimes they do have their day, so to speak. Take the recent case of Bo, a mutt in central Alabama. Police came to Bo’s house to arrest his owner Edwin Henderson on drug charges, but he fled the moment he saw them—followed closely by his trusty pooch. The cops pursued and eventually found Bo wagging his tail beside some tall grass. One of them instructed Bo to “go get him” and that’s exactly what he did. Now Henderson is sitting in jail, the victim of his own canine narc.

Bo knows criminal activity!

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