Monthly Archives: January 2015

Deflated

The new Vince Lombardi Trophy? (Steve Sack/Star Tribune)

I don’t know which is more deflated: the semi-flat footballs discovered during the recent AFC Championship Game or the ongoing investigation into Deflategate.

According to the lawyer hired by the NFL to investigate cheating accusations against the New England Patriots, things won’t officially wrap up for “at least several more weeks.” This means that no one will be punished or fined until after Super Bowl XLIX—even if they are guilty of tampering with footballs to gain a competitive advantage over the Indianapolis Colts.

To make matters worse, the investigation now seems to be focused on a Patriots locker room attendant now considered to be a “strong person of interest.” Apparently, surveillance camera footage showed him entering a bathroom with two bags of footballs—one for New England and one for Indianapolis—and then emerging 90 seconds later to deliver the footballs to the proper place.

I’m sorry, but 90 seconds is roughly the amount of time needed to take a quick piss and return to your duties. If anything, I might accuse this attendant of not washing his hands properly after urination. But accusing him of entering the bathroom—which may or may not have been empty—and then hurriedly deflating 11 of 12 Patriots’ footballs before exiting? That seems a little far-fetched, if you ask me.

god super bowl press conference

Who’s God taking in the Big Game this year? Tune in Sunday to find out! (Kurttoons/YouTube)

Of course, this opens up a host of new questions: Why would a locker room attendant do such a thing on his own? Is he such a die-hard Pats fan that he tried to fix the game all by his lonesome? Or is it possible someone asked or even paid him to do it? And could it be the same culprit now responsible for throwing this attendant under the bus?

I’m afraid we may never know what really happened, even after the Deflategate investigation concludes next month or later this spring. The sad fact—at least from the perspective of non-Patriots-fan observers like me—is that the Patriots can do no wrong. Of all the teams in the NFL, New England is the only one constantly accused of cheating.

Sure, New Orleans suffered through Bountygate, which resulted in some pretty harsh penalties for its coaches and players, but nothing this harsh will ever be imposed on the illustrious Patriots. And honestly, that’s a real shame since they make the NFL look worse than anyone—except maybe Ray Rice. Oh well.

On a slightly related note, a recent survey by the Public Religion Research Institute and Religion News Service indicated that 1 in 4 Americans believe that God will decide who wins Super Bowl XLIX. If this is true, then it stands to reason that the Patriots can’t win if they’re cheaters. If they do, though, does that mean there is no God?

I’m sorry, but if there is a God, I’m pretty sure He has better things to do than rig football games. Sheesh…

The Star Wars Bowl!

If Super Bowl XLIX was held in a galaxy far, far away, these are the teams that would be facing off this year:

Wattos vs. Jedis (John Raya/Disney)

Wattos vs. Jedis (John Raya/Disney)

To check out Star Wars helmets for all 32 teams, head on over to Geekologie. And thanks to Mexican artist John Raya for the killer designs!

Pants on Fire

Brady addresses cheating allegations… and digs an even deeper hole for himself (New York Daily News)

Yesterday, New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference to address Deflategate, the franchise’s most recent scandal. And almost everyone who heard him still thinks he’s lying.

Deflategate centers around 11 footballs found to be underinflated during the Patriots’ recent 45-7 trouncing of the Indianapolis Colts in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. Coach Bill Belichick denied any knowledge of ball tampering and instead threw his future Hall of Fame QB under the bus. When asked if he was a cheater, Brady had this to say:

“I don’t believe so… I didn’t alter the ball in any way… I would never do anything outside the rules of play.”

ALWAYS protect your balls! (BN Blitz)

Of course, Brady never said, “No, I am not a cheater.” And this created even more doubt with regard to his honesty and integrity. He may not have altered the balls himself, but he could have paid someone else to do it. After all, former Tampa Bay quarterback Brad Johnson admitted to paying his equipment guys $7500 to wear in the balls before Super Bowl XXXVII, which the Buccaneers won 48-21 over the Oakland Raiders.

Here’s what Brady had to say about his own balls:

“I don’t want anyone touching the balls… I don’t want anyone rubbing them. To me, those balls are perfect.”

Personally, I hope Brady’s balls are sitting on the bench come Super Bowl Sunday. Go Seahawks!

Size Matters

Perfect for this time of year, don’t you think? (Reddit/k2tunak)

In the Mail

“Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!” (Wikipedia Commons)

A funny thing happened to 45-year-old Paul Bennett of Wigan, England last September—something that just resulted in two counts of indecent exposure and threatening, abusive words and behavior.

It happened in a public shopping area on September 9, 2014 and was originally reported by British tabloid The Mirror. According to reports, Bennett dropped his pants in public and started to play with himself… and that was only the beginning.

He then walked over to a mailbox, started making sexual advances towards it, rubbed his business against it while shouting “wow” repeatedly, completed his act and started swinging from a lamppost.

Paul Bennett was convicted of indecent exposure after attempting to have sex with a mailbox.

The insatiable Paul Bennett (The Mirror/PinIt)

Police found Bennett a short while later—exposing himself outside another store, no less—and promptly arrested him. He was obviously very drunk and cursed them while they apprehended him.

Martin Jones, Bennett’s lawyer, understood how disturbing his client’s behavior was for those who witnessed his penile display and summed it up best when he said, “Clearly there are issues that need to be addressed.”

Of course, my only question is this: Did Bennett use the proper postage for his special delivery?

Beshine the Unsinkable

You think these jugs are big? Think again! (etsy.com)

You think these jugs are big? Think again! (etsy.com)

Have you ever wondered who has the largest augmented breasts in the world? I know that I have. And finally, we have our answer.

It is 27-year-old German model and boob-enlarging addict Mayra Hills, otherwise known as Beshine. And this 5-foot-6 blonde bombshell didn’t stop with double Ds or even double Ts, for that matter. She kept upgrading until she hit a whopping 32Z!

Of course, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Check her out:

The exercise ball is on the left, just in case you were wondering (Beshine/Twitter)

The exercise ball is on the left, just in case you were wondering (Beshine/Twitter)

Curious why she couldn’t stop with normal large breasts? Here’s how Beshine explained it:

“I just wanted to have bigger and bigger boobs and the boobie greed monster in me never stopped being greedy and hungry. So some time ago when I reached a certain size, fans from all over the world started to tell me that I have the largest augmented boobs. That’s cool and sounds interesting and it seems that I have reached a milestone. But for me the most important thing is, that I follow my inner voice and I currently have not reached my goal. My fans know what that means.”

As ridiculous as this may seem to you and me, one thing is for certain: If Beshine had been on the Titanic, there’s NO WAY it would have sunk!

Imagine

Imagine_colors

“Imagine” by John Lennon (cartoon by Pablo Stanley)

 

Captain Kangaroo Killed!

Andrew Brannan was executed Jan. 13, 2015 in Georgia.

Would the real Captain Kangaroo please stand up? (PinIt)

Seriously, though, this isn’t the real Captain Kangaroo—otherwise known as Bob Keeshan, who passed away in 2004. It’s Andrew Howard Brannan, a 66-year-old cop killer recently executed for murdering a sheriff’s deputy in 1998.

Bob Keeshan, the real McKoy (Getty Images)

The resemblance is uncanny, don’t you think?

Extracted

Everything you need for a wild party weekend! (McCormick)

Yesterday, I read a story about Carolyn Kesel, a 46-year-old woman from Seneca Falls, New York who was arrested for drunk driving on January 5th with a blood-alcohol level of .26—three times the legal limit.

During her arrest, Kesel allegedly told police that she ingested two large bottles of pure vanilla extract, got lost and could not find her way out of a Walmart parking lot. She was arrested, of course, and now faces felony DWI charges.

What struck me as odd about this story was the vanilla extract, which apparently has an alcohol level of 41%, roughly the same as gin or vodka. A drug counselor quoted in the story compared it to drinking cough medicine for a buzz, which I’m sure more than a few of us have tried before.

Stranger still, the article then explained how pure peppermint extract can have as much as 89% alcohol and pure lemon extract can contain as much as 83% alcohol. In other words, they told underage drinkers exactly where to go to find an even stronger buzz than vanilla extract can produce!

Lemony peppermint shooters, anyone?

Shrink Wrap Revisited

Larsson has a leg of latex (Zara Larsson/Instagram)

Larsson has a leg of latex (Zara Larsson/Instagram)

Show me a man who enjoys wearing condoms during sex and I’ll show you a man who is lying his latex-wearing ass off!

It’s no secret that most men hate wearing condoms, otherwise known as shrink wrap. Truthfully, almost any other form of contraception is preferable to encasing your member in lambskin: pills, sponges, the Rhythm Method… you name it. Of course, most of us recognize the need for condoms; we just hate wearing them.

Earlier this month, sexy Swedish singer Zara Larsson called men out for making every excuse possible to avoid wearing condoms—the most common of which was that they don’t fit. To prove how untrue this claim was, Larsson took a picture of her leg wrapped in a condom and posted it to Instagram with this caption: “To all the guys saying ‘my dick is too big for condoms’… TAKE A SEAT.”

Unfortunately, Larsson missed the point entirely. It’s not that condoms don’t fit, per se. Like penises, they come in all shapes and sizes, from small and petite to large and magnum. What makes condoms so horrible is that tight, little latex ring at the base that cuts off all circulation.

And if the blood don’t flow, the penis won’t grow!

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