The new Vince Lombardi Trophy? (Steve Sack/Star Tribune)

I don’t know which is more deflated: the semi-flat footballs discovered during the recent AFC Championship Game or the ongoing investigation into Deflategate.

According to the lawyer hired by the NFL to investigate cheating accusations against the New England Patriots, things won’t officially wrap up for “at least several more weeks.” This means that no one will be punished or fined until after Super Bowl XLIX—even if they are guilty of tampering with footballs to gain a competitive advantage over the Indianapolis Colts.

To make matters worse, the investigation now seems to be focused on a Patriots locker room attendant now considered to be a “strong person of interest.” Apparently, surveillance camera footage showed him entering a bathroom with two bags of footballs—one for New England and one for Indianapolis—and then emerging 90 seconds later to deliver the footballs to the proper place.

I’m sorry, but 90 seconds is roughly the amount of time needed to take a quick piss and return to your duties. If anything, I might accuse this attendant of not washing his hands properly after urination. But accusing him of entering the bathroom—which may or may not have been empty—and then hurriedly deflating 11 of 12 Patriots’ footballs before exiting? That seems a little far-fetched, if you ask me.

god super bowl press conference

Who’s God taking in the Big Game this year? Tune in Sunday to find out! (Kurttoons/YouTube)

Of course, this opens up a host of new questions: Why would a locker room attendant do such a thing on his own? Is he such a die-hard Pats fan that he tried to fix the game all by his lonesome? Or is it possible someone asked or even paid him to do it? And could it be the same culprit now responsible for throwing this attendant under the bus?

I’m afraid we may never know what really happened, even after the Deflategate investigation concludes next month or later this spring. The sad fact—at least from the perspective of non-Patriots-fan observers like me—is that the Patriots can do no wrong. Of all the teams in the NFL, New England is the only one constantly accused of cheating.

Sure, New Orleans suffered through Bountygate, which resulted in some pretty harsh penalties for its coaches and players, but nothing this harsh will ever be imposed on the illustrious Patriots. And honestly, that’s a real shame since they make the NFL look worse than anyone—except maybe Ray Rice. Oh well.

On a slightly related note, a recent survey by the Public Religion Research Institute and Religion News Service indicated that 1 in 4 Americans believe that God will decide who wins Super Bowl XLIX. If this is true, then it stands to reason that the Patriots can’t win if they’re cheaters. If they do, though, does that mean there is no God?

I’m sorry, but if there is a God, I’m pretty sure He has better things to do than rig football games. Sheesh…

Posted on January 28, 2015, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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