Monthly Archives: March 2015
Pat Maahs, a hardware store employee from New Brighton, Minnesota, often drank coffee to get her going in the morning. For six months, though, her coffee tasted kind of strange. She couldn’t pinpoint it, but something seemed rather off.
Then, in August 2014, she returned to her desk to find co-worker John Robert Lind standing over her coffee cup with a startled look on his face… and a strange puddle on the desk beside him.
“That’s when I put it together,” Maahs said later. “That’s what I had been tasting over previous occasions.”
Yes, it turned out that Lind had a crush on her and decided to do something to get noticed: he lightened her coffee with his own, self-generated cream. That’s right. He ejaculated into her java.
Lind was immediately arrested and charged with sexual assault after admitting to the coffee-creaming incident. According to court documents, he also confessed to ejaculating on Maahs’ desk and personal items on at least four different occasions.
Unfortunately, shooting your load into someone’s coffee and all over their possessions isn’t considered a sex crime in Minnesota, so the sex charges against Lind were dropped. No word yet on whether he will face any other charges.
Let this serve as a warning for anyone living in Minnesota: if you leave your office, take your coffee with you. That way the only milky white substance will be the creamer added by your barista at Starbuck’s… and here’s hoping that barista is female!
Last Thursday, a British Airways flight from London to Dubai had to turn around and make an emergency landing at Heathrow Airport. Why?
Because one of the passengers using the toilet expelled a poop so stinky it made the flight unbearable for everyone else. And what’s worse, passengers had to wait 15 hours for the next available flight.
Let this serve as a cautionary tale for air travelers with bowels full of the brown stuff: do us all a favor and dump your load before you get onboard. After all, planes are cramped enough without being crapped, too.
By now, you likely know that the Republican-backed letter sent to Iran’s leaders in an attempt to undermine President Obama’s negotiations with that country was orchestrated by Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas. You may also know that loads of GOP politicians are praising his efforts and holding him up as an example of how great the Republican Party could eventually be.
It sounds like another load of horse shit to me, but whatever. Celebrate yourselves if you must.
On Monday evening, Cotton gave his first speech on the Senate floor and it didn’t take him long to connect the Obama administration to… wait for it… Adolf Hitler.
“The world is growing ever more dangerous, and our defense spending is wholly inadequate to confront the danger,” Cotton said. “To be exact, during the last four or five years, the world has grown gravely darker. We have steadily disarmed, partly with a sincere desire to give a lead to other countries and partly due to the severe financial pressure of the time. But a change must now be made. We must not continue longer on a course in which we alone are growing weaker while every other nation is growing stronger.”
Cotton then connected the dots: “I wish I could take credit for those eloquent but ominous words, but I cannot. Winston Churchill sounded that warning in 1933 as Adolf Hitler had taken power in Germany. Tragically, Great Britain and the West didn’t heed this warning, when they might have strangled that monster in his crib. Rather they let the locust continue to eat away at the common defense.”
So Obama’s efforts at peace are little more than a new Hitler-esque effort to help Iran take over the world? As if!
I recently heard that a private company was hoping to establish a human colony on Mars and has been accepting applicants for the one-way trip. These people would have to depart Earth and live the rest of their lives in space and on the red planet, never to return.
Any chance there’s space left for Tom Cotton? Better yet, can we ship the whole damn GOP there? Perhaps then Washington could accomplish something both positive and useful for the American people.
Beginning in the summer of 1976, serial killer David Berkowitz—the notorious “Son of Sam”—terrorized New York City and murdered six victims, all the while mocking police through a series of brazen letters. He was finally caught and arrested in August 1977 and during his confession, Berkowitz claimed he was obeying the orders of a demon who took the form of his neighbor’s dog, Harvey.
Now—almost forty years later—it seems as if a new, far less notorious “Son of Sam” has emerged: 48-year-old Matthew Gonzales of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
This past Tuesday, Gonzales shot his ex-girlfriend after she changed her status on social media to single. And when he confessed to the crime—which he claimed was really a suicide attempt gone wrong—he told police that he communicates with his neighbor’s dog and that the canine told him to “take care of this.”
Needless to say, Gonzales remains behind bars and will likely be speaking with a psychiatrist very soon. No word yet on whether or not his neighbor’s dog plans to file defamation charges, though.
Last Saturday night, UFC women’s bantamweight champ and ass-kicking machine Ronda Rousey defeated Cat Zingano in only 14 seconds and moved her overall record to 11-0. Of course, Rousey isn’t just the most dangerous woman around; she is also one of the sexiest… and here are some pics to prove it. Enjoy!
In 2010, a New Jersey man entered a Burlington County Applebee’s restaurant and ordered one of its most popular dishes: a sizzling skillet of steak fajitas. His waitress soon brought his meal and positioned it in front of him—sizzling and popping as any hot skillet covered with food is apt to do.
Unfortunately, it was then that disaster struck.
The man bowed his head to pray—over the skillet, no less—and suddenly heard a sizzling sound, followed by a loud pop. He immediately felt a burning sensation on his face and left eye and freaked out, knocking the entire skillet into his lap and causing even more burns.
Of course, he sued Applebee’s a short time later and had his case dismissed by a lower court. This must not have satisfied him because he then took his case to the New Jersey appellate court. And last Wednesday they issued their ruling: he could not seek damages for the injuries he sustained.
Sorry, my man, but no amount of prayer or litigation will overcome stupidity!
When you think about the wizarding world of Harry Potter—J.K. Rowling’s famous “Boy Who Lived” from the book and film series—the last thing that likely comes to mind is sex… unless you had a crush on Emma Watson’s character Hermione.
And yes, I am referring to Hermione in the later films, when she ceased to be jailbait. Shame on anyone who entertained naughty fantasies about her before she crossed this important legal threshold.
Thinking about sex in Harry Potter terms may conjure up images of strippers wearing “pumpkin pasties” or Hogwarts students doing inappropriate things with their wands. But last month at Boston University, two graduate students from the school’s Wellness and Prevention Services program used this magical context to offer an interactive class called “Sex-Ed at Hogwarts”. Here’s how the event was advertised on their Facebook page:
“At this event, half-bloods, house-elves, and muggles alike will learn the proper way to get consent to enter one’s chamber of secrets and how to snog without getting Hogwarts. We’ll be casting some sensual spells in CAS room 313. Hope you can apparate there.”
Michelle Goode and Jamie Klufts—both huge Potter fans—came up with this idea because Rowling herself never really addressed sex or sex education in her novels. Of course, students at Hogwarts took classes in Divination and Defense Against the Dark Arts, so it stands to reason that Sex Ed appeared somewhere in the curriculum.
After all, with so many magical creatures running around—from elves and mermaids to goblins and giants—safe sex would have to be a serious issue, don’t you think?
And don’t even get me started on magically-transmitted diseases!