Coffee, Extra Cream

Careful! That may not be Coffee Mate! (Red Beans & Life)

Pat Maahs, a hardware store employee from New Brighton, Minnesota, often drank coffee to get her going in the morning. For six months, though, her coffee tasted kind of strange. She couldn’t pinpoint it, but something seemed rather off.

Then, in August 2014, she returned to her desk to find co-worker John Robert Lind standing over her coffee cup with a startled look on his face… and a strange puddle on the desk beside him.

“That’s when I put it together,” Maahs said later. “That’s what I had been tasting over previous occasions.”

Yes, it turned out that Lind had a crush on her and decided to do something to get noticed: he lightened her coffee with his own, self-generated cream. That’s right. He ejaculated into her java.

Lind was immediately arrested and charged with sexual assault after admitting to the coffee-creaming incident. According to court documents, he also confessed to ejaculating on Maahs’ desk and personal items on at least four different occasions.

Unfortunately, shooting your load into someone’s coffee and all over their possessions isn’t considered a sex crime in Minnesota, so the sex charges against Lind were dropped. No word yet on whether he will face any other charges.

Let this serve as a warning for anyone living in Minnesota: if you leave your office, take your coffee with you. That way the only milky white substance will be the creamer added by your barista at Starbuck’s… and here’s hoping that barista is female!

Posted on March 23, 2015, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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