Knobby News

That bull is packing! (Kimberly Scott/St. George News)

There must be something in the air this April Fools’ Day because nearly every major news site is running a story about the manliest of organs, the penis. And no, this is not a joke. Check it out.

Hurricane, Utah: The owner of Barista’s restaurant just had a large, copper statue of a bull altered on the sign outside his establishment. Residents were outraged by the original statue, which featured a rather large, cone-shaped phallus hanging between the bull’s legs. So Stephen Ward did the only thing he could—he had the animal’s genitalia removed. “I just decided it would look better without the weenie,” he said of the change. “And oh my God! It’s beautiful!” Of course, I’m almost certain that the bull would disagree.

Montreal, Canada: Are you looking for a church to call your own—one that pays homage to the twig-and-berries dangling between men’s legs? Then look no further than the Montreal chapter of the Temple of Priapus, a church that originally began in 1970s San Francisco to pay tribute to Priapus, the Greek fertility god. On its website—which I refuse to link for fear of penis pictures popping up all over my computer screen—the church explains how “the male sex organ is holy and that at least four hours a week should be devoted to masturbation or assisting others towards that goal.” Members attend worship services in the nude—which doesn’t bode well for those responsible for cleaning the pews—but thus far, only men have joined the church. Personally, I’m holding out for the Church of Latter-Day Tits & Ass to open later this year.

penis house

Breezy floor plan or erectile dysfunction? You be the judge! (LJ Hooker Mona Vale)

Sydney, Australia: Those in the market for a new home “down under” may want to visit Sherwin House, otherwise known as Buckingham Phallus, a home shaped like a penis currently up for sale. The house was created in 1958 by Stan Symonds, a well-known Australian architect. Yes, for the low price of only $853,000, you can experience testicular living at its best. Don’t worry, though. It shouldn’t be hard to finance given how soft the market’s been lately.

Gresham, Oregon: Our last story comes from the Tickle Creek area in Oregon where 53-year-old Michael Gordon Dick—yes, Dick—was recently arrested for public indecency. Apparently, Dick likes to flash female pedestrians and to “tickle his dick” in public. He was even arrested in 2008 for breaking into the home of an elderly woman while nude and assaulting her, an act which garnered him the sex offender moniker—as if the unfortunate name of Dick wasn’t enough.

So there you have it, people—your knobby news of the day. Enjoy it and please check back soon for Vaginal Verses, as well as a Breast-Of news segment currently in development. April Fools!

Posted on April 1, 2015, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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