Tree Hugger

Crowder just loves trees… a little too much (Brevard County Jail)

Some people love Mother Nature. And some people love her a bit too literally.

41-year-old Kenneth Crowder of Melbourne, Florida belongs in this second group.

Last Friday, Crowder was arrested after doing some crazy things under the influence of flakka, a synthetic drug similar in some respects to bath salts (i.e. the drug that causes users to rip people’s faces off and such).

Apparently, Crowder was seen running naked through a neighborhood and engaging in sexual acts with a tree. No details were provided, but I’m sure your imagination can fill in the blanks… especially if the tree had a knot hole in it. Of course, he likely could have done something with branches and leaves. Who the hell knows?

After molesting the tree, Crowder got dressed and was met by a police officer, who got freaked out when the dreadlocked man identified himself as God and started moving towards him aggressively. The officer used a Taser on Crowder, but he only yanked out the prongs, punched the officer, ripped the badge off his chest and tried to stab him with it.

Obviously, Crowder was arrested and charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, along with several additional charges.

And no, sexually assaulting Mother Nature was not one of them. Chalk it up as just another example of humans harming their environment, I guess.