The Male Condition

EM can strike at any time without warning (Twitter/Awkward Boners)

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.

Posted on July 22, 2015, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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