The Biggest Loser

Brewton appears to be growing some kind of hair hat (Spartanburg PD)

Before I begin, I should make it clear that the title of this post does not reference the NBC reality show of the same name. Instead, it focuses on actual losers, not those who lose tons of weight. I do want to commend individuals who shed poundage, though. Keep up the good work!

No, the losers mentioned here won’t be featured on television, celebrated for their achievements or applauded for changing their lives in positive ways. Quite the opposite, actually. But one thing is for certain: they are all entertaining in their own ways. Don’t take my word for it, though. Read on and see who you feel is THE BIGGEST LOSER.

SPARTANBURG, SC: 46-year-old Annetta Brewton had a pretty interesting Tuesday, to say the least. She visited a strip mall, entered a Sav-A-Lot store and was seen shoplifting several steaks by shoving them in her shirt. Before the police could respond to the call placed by a store employee who witnessed the theft, though, Brewton left and entered a second store. This time, she didn’t steal anything; she just started begging for money and fondling other shoppers. When she was asked to leave, Brewton started cursing, dropped her pants and flashed her lady parts… but she didn’t stop there. She then ran down the street, broke into an elderly woman’s home and asked the lady to play cards with her.

Rubin assaulted strangers with urine (Multnomah County Sheriff)

By the time police arrived, Brewton had locked herself inside and refused to leave because she was using the toilet. And yes, her pants were down again. She was arrested, of course, but then kicked out the back window of the police car on the way to the station. Needless to say, she now faces charges that include burglary, indecent exposure, kidnapping and shoplifting. Sadly, styling her hair in a pseudo “uni-brow” isn’t a crime, but it likely should be.

PORTLAND, OR: Our next loser is 27-year-old Jeff Rubin, who was arrested last Friday after his JetBlue flight arrived at Portland International Airport. Apparently, Rubin slept through most of the flight, but stood up shortly before landing and started to pee on the passengers in front of him. At one point he even lost his balance, fell backwards and continued to spray everything—and everyone—around him. No one knows what motivated Rubin to provide golden shower service to those on the flight with him, but he was arrested and now faces charges of offensive littering and criminal mischief.

Good luck maintaining eye contact with King (Palm Beach County Jail)

WEST PALM BEACH, FL: Our final loser is 33-year-old Jefferson King, who was arrested at Burger King last week for a Whopper of a crime. According to eyewitnesses, King was seen sitting near the bathrooms and playing not with his burger, but with his hot dog. And yes, by “hot dog” I do mean his penis. A woman witnessed his self-love and asked what he was doing. “I’m playing with my penis!” he exclaimed. A manager asked King to leave, but he refused and continued to slap his salami. Officers were called and arrested King for indecent exposure, but even then he said that he had done nothing wrong. Judging from his mug shot, though, it seems public masturbation is the least of King’s problems!

Who is the biggest loser of the bunch, you ask? Hell, I think all three deserve the honor!

Posted on September 14, 2015, in Perspectives and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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