Monthly Archives: October 2015

Spooked

All Hallow’s Eve circa 1905. Otherwise known as a turn-of-the-century spook. Is it possible this was Pat Robertson before he found Jesus? (Getty Images)

Happy Halloween!

Or as televangelist Pat Robertson likes to call it, “the day when millions of children and adults will be dressing up as devils, witches, and goblins … to celebrate Satan.”

Time to give the Devil his due!

Best Name Ever

Need a pick-me-up but not in the mood to deal with any bullshit? Then here’s the coffee shop for you! (Huffpost UK)

Balls to the Wall

They even have a kid’s menu! (Real GM)

Do you live in Syracuse, New York?

Are you hungry and in need of a cheap dinner alternative?

Have you ever wondered what an animal’s balls taste like?

If so, then you are in luck. For a limited time, Riley’s in Syracuse is celebrating their annual Testicle Festival—spelled Testical on their t-shirts—by offering customers all-they-can-eat nuts… the kind that dangle between the legs of bulls, boars, sheep, buffalo and goats, that is. And here’s the best part: they’re FREE.

“If you can’t have fun with balls, then, well, I guess you can’t have fun. So we don’t ask people to pay for them,” owner Terry Riley told Syracuse.com earlier this week.

The testicles are lightly breaded, deep-fried and served with a side of ranch dressing. And for those of you still hesitant to eat something that once hung between an animal’s legs, consider this description from Syracuse.com before you take the plunge: “Cooked, they look like a chicken nugget, but with a softer consistency, maybe like a fried scallop. The taste is a little meaty — with the breading providing a good deal of the flavor.”

Bon appétit, brave diners!

Crapping Out

Hendrix was busted by skid marks! (Denver District Attorney)

They say that crime doesn’t pay, but before DNA testing became the norm, it often did. As long as criminals weren’t caught on camera, identified by eyewitnesses or “fingered” due to some incriminating physical evidence, they could get away with murder. And I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Committing crimes today, however, is a much more difficult endeavor.

Sure, some criminals escape without leaving a trace—or so they believe—but even a single hair at a crime scene could be enough to secure an arrest thanks to DNA testing. Today’s criminals have to be extremely savvy if they hope to evade the authorities. And they have to start with a nearly foolproof plan that leaves no risk of capture.

Unfortunately, no one bothered to let 49-year-old Rodney Mark Hendrix of Denver, Colorado know.

In August 2014, Hendrix was arrested for stealing more than $4000 worth of electronics and musical instruments from a church and pre-school. He was charged with theft, burglary and identity theft—and has since been jailed for drug offenses—but it isn’t what he did that caught my eye; it’s how he was caught that truly makes his case interesting.

You see, an employee at the pre-school noticed some poop-stained shorts in a bathroom at the crime scene, bagged them up and handed them over to police. The shorts were immediately sent for DNA testing—which took more than a year—but the results were incontrovertible: Hendrix was the culprit.

“In Colorado, a DNA sample is taken for anyone who is arrested for a felony,” Lynn Kimbrough, a spokesperson for the Denver District Attorney, told reporters. “So when they ran the unknown sample, his DNA was already in the system.”

Why Hendrix didn’t realize this is beyond me, but what is more disturbing is this: What the hell was he doing shitting in his shorts and leaving them behind?

I guess crime isn’t for everyone—especially those with weak constitutions and loose bowels!

S.O.B.s from the GOP

The new face of foolishness: Donald Trump (Playbuzz)

If I ever feel bummed out or depressed, I sometimes scan the online news sites for stories about GOP presidential candidates, who always make me laugh. Their ineptitude and general stupidity never fail to bring a smile to my face, especially where two particular candidates are concerned: Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

I swear these guys could pair up for a pretty entertaining Vegas show if they were so inclined.

The story I read about Trump was not very recent—it was originally posted this summer—but it certainly illustrates why he has no business in a presidential race. In an interview with NBC News, Trump was asked about Charles Krauthammer, a journalist who is paralyzed from the waist down and had the nerve to refer to Trump as a “rodeo clown.” Trump responded as only Trump could:

“I went out, I made a fortune, a big fortune, a tremendous fortune… bigger than people even understand. Then I get called by a guy that can’t buy a pair of pants, I get called names?”

Since then, Trump has insulted immigrants, female reporters and basically anyone who doesn’t agree with his extreme, dumbass ideas. Yet somehow he remains a front-runner in the Republican battle for the presidential nomination. I can’t understand this, but I do have one thing to say to this squirrel-coiffed madman: “Stay classy, Donald.”

Ben Carson wants to be the next big action star (Getty Images)

The story I read about Ben Carson—another ridiculous candidate for Commander-in-Chief—was more recent and happened earlier this week. Carson was being interviewed on Fox & Friends and responded to a question about the recent shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon. Nine people were killed when Christopher Harper-Mercer walked into a classroom, asked students their religion and murdered each of them in cold blood—and here’s what Carson had to say about it:

“I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, ‘Hey, guys. Everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.’”

That’s easy for Carson to say from his warm seat in Fox studios, but things are much different when you’re in a life-threatening situation. And who knows how someone will react once fear and adrenaline start coursing through them?

Oddly enough, someone did fight back on that fateful day in Oregon: Army veteran Chris Mintz. And he was shot seven times, but still managed to survive. He is currently recovering from his wounds—and it seems to me that someone as intelligent and courageous as Ben Carson would know this before making such insensitive and ridiculous remarks.

Some may find these stories shocking and offensive, but I assure you we will all feel this way if either of these morons wins the Republican nomination or worse, the presidency. And if this does happen, I have only one question:

Anyone want to move to Canada with me?

Gassed Up

Good luck consuming one of these without farting! (Case Pork Roll Company)

In February 2014, 70-year-old Richard Clem was fired from his comptroller job for something you may never imagine: flatulence.

Yes, you read that correctly. Poor Richard was terminated for farting too much, but at least he had a good excuse. When he was originally hired, Clem weighed a whopping 420 pounds. In October 2010, however, he underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost more than 100 pounds in the process. Unfortunately, the procedure was not without side effects, which included “extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea.”

His employer should probably count himself lucky that the former prompted Clem’s termination rather than the latter, huh?

By 2013, Clem’s condition worsened and supposedly caused a “significant disruption in the workplace.” Clem was asked to work from home to reduce the “odor in the office,” but was fired on February 28, 2014 nonetheless. His wife quit the same day due to all the “harassment and discrimination” her spouse faced. And last month, she filed a lawsuit against her employers, alleging they violated the Americans with Disabilities Act regarding Clem’s obesity and related issues.

I admit this story tickled my funny bone a little since the cause for Clem’s termination was flatulence. However, I support his case because of the nature of his employer. You see, Clem worked for the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey—the manufacturer of “old-fashioned, hickory-smoked pork rolls,” according to their website.

Now if that isn’t entrapment, I don’t know what is!

Rock Me Like A Hurricane

Crazy weather is heading my way! (Karrock/Pix11)

I am sad to report that Hurricane Joaquin is currently bearing down on the East Coast, so there may be some delay in my next blog posting. Fortunately, Joaquin—which is as unpredictable as the famous actor of the same name—has taken a turn to the east and may miss me completely. Meteorologists obviously have no idea what will happen next, but I fully expect to return next week. Until then, be safe out there and have a great weekend, people!

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