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Cruz Gets Trumped

Cruz praised from up on high (@TheGoodGodAbove/Twitter)

At long last, it finally happened: Ted Cruz has been defeated and will not be the GOP nominee for president. A resounding victory for Donald Trump in Indiana yesterday served as the final nail in Cruz’s coffin—and here’s hoping we never have to deal with this jackass from Texas again.

If you think “jackass” is too strong a word, consider this VIDEO in which Ted Cruz auditions for voice work on the popular animated television show The Simpsons. The word it immediately brings to my mind is “creepy,” but you be the judge.

Of course, Cruz’s departure from the GOP race also means that Trump is the presumptive nominee, which is pretty scary in and of itself. Even scarier is the fact that the anti-Trump movement spent more than $75 million to prevent this from happening, only to see their worst fears become reality.

$75 million spent primarily on political television ads? What a waste. That money could have come in very handy in feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless or doing good work for the multitude of people struggling in this country. Man, we sure have some messed up priorities.

Fortunately, there is still hope for those hoping to block Trump’s nomination—and his name is Ohio Governor John Kasich.

I’m kidding, of course. Kasich has no chance and there really is no hope for the GOP. A Clinton-Trump race for the White House seems inevitable at this point. And honestly, we may all be screwed in the long run.

Toys for Ted

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

A few weeks ago, the Internet went crazy when it was discovered that Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz—while serving as solicitor general of Texas in 2007—supported a state law to criminalize the sale of sex toys.

In a brief issued from his office at the time, Cruz and his cohorts explained how people should not have the legal right to masturbate: “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

This brief included a statement that banned any device “useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Funny how there was no mention of non-human genitals, but that’s beside the point.

Fortunately, it was a big misunderstanding and Cruz recently told WABC that he will not attempt to ban sex toys if he becomes president—something which I and countless others hope never happens anyway.

For now, at least, this means that he and Trump aren’t the only dildos available. And for those of you interested in some high-tech self-pleasure, check out this video for the Dildo Drone. It’s fictional, for now, but there simply must be a market for it somewhere.

Of course, abstinence is always a good decision, too—especially when you consider the latest Cruz development. Someone watching an episode of the Maury Povitch show discovered Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old Cruz doppelgänger from Natchez, Mississippi. And if this image doesn’t immediately rob you of all sexual inclination, I don’t know what will:

Are you sure that isn’t just Ted in drag trying to access a woman’s restroom? (Maury Povitch/Getty)

Enough said.

Kick Carson to the Curb!

Ben Carson

I could not have said it better myself (Danny Zuker/Occupy Democrats)

Famed neurosurgeon? Perhaps. Qualified presidential candidate? Hell no!

It boggles the mind to think that the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary narrowed the GOP field of presidential candidates—forcing people like Chris Christie, Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina from the race—yet Dr. Ben Carson remains, even though his fledgling campaign seems doomed to collapse eventually.

I mean, here’s a guy who left Iowa to return home for fresh clothes, for goodness sake. And then watched as Ted Cruz used his departure to claim Carson was leaving the race completely—effectively stealing the Iowa caucus in the process!

What has me so fired up against Carson, you ask? Fine. I’ll tell you.

In an interview yesterday with Breitbart News—when asked if Muslims who adhere to Sharia law could also participate in American democracy—Carson had this to say: “Only if they’re schizophrenic. I don’t see how they can do it otherwise, because they have two different philosophies boring at [them]. That would be very difficult.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t America founded on the ideas of religious freedom and tolerance? Or is it simply a Christian-only country?

Let’s see what the illustrious Dr. Ben Carson has to say about this, shall we? Here’s a quote from one of his speeches in Iowa earlier this month—and incidentally, he chose to use schizophrenia in a derogatory fashion in this quip, as well:

“Every coin in our pocket, every bill in our wallet, says ‘In God We Trust.’ If it’s in our founding documents, it’s in our pledge, in our courts, and it’s on our money, but we’re not supposed to talk about it, what in the world is that? In medicine, we call it ‘schizophrenia.’ And doesn’t that explain a lot of what’s going on in our nation?”

Although he was addressing the separation of church and state at the time, I find Dr. Carson’s remarks quite telling. Is he really implying that the “God” addressed on American currency only means the Christian God? Could it not also mean Allah or some other God-like figure from a religion other than Christianity?

I’m sorry, but people who believe only their God is the correct one—and everyone else be damned, so to speak—really bother me… especially when they want to become the next leader of the free world!

If you really want to help the USA move forward and return to greatness, do us all a favor, Dr. Carson. Suspend your presidential campaign so we can start to focus more on the important issues and less on the freak show that the GOP race to the White House has become. I’m begging you.

Hillary Got Bern-ed!

Get out your sunblock, Hillary! (imgflip.com)

By now, I am sure you’ve heard that in yesterday’s New Hampshire primaries, it wasn’t Democratic favorite and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who kicked serious ass. It was the independent senator from Vermont and self-proclaimed democratic socialist Bernie Sanders who took home the victory by a margin of more than 20%.

In other words, it was Hillary’s ass that got kicked, but she wasn’t alone. A host of Republican candidates met similar fates as real estate mogul Donald Trump garnered 35% of the GOP votes, followed by John Kasich (16%) and Texas whack-a-doodle Ted Cruz (12%).

Other GOP hopefuls effectively had some wind taken out of their sails, the most notable of which was the repetitious and robotic Marco Rubio, who along with Jeb Bush pulled in only 11% of the Republican votes. Candidates Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson never even managed to break the 10% mark.

What does all this mean? Your guess is as good as mine since we all know politics is little more than media-fueled horse shit. However, it does indicate one very important point: people are tired of supporting establishment candidates who never seem to accomplish anything in Washington. Clearly, it is time for a change.

And don’t be surprised if we all feel the Bern soon!

Game of Lies

Winter is coming for us all next year (NBC/Seth Meyers)

Like millions of television viewers, one of my favorite shows is HBO’s gruesome and often controversial Game of Thrones. Granted, it took me a little while to get into the show—mostly because I was forced to binge watch it on HBO GO—but I can now say that I am a die-hard lover of Westeros, the Iron Throne and everything associated with George R.R. Martin’s epic creation.

When I consider the current race for the 2016 presidential nomination, however, a different title seems to apply: Game of Lies.

This is nothing new, of course, since we all know political candidates will say anything necessary to get elected. Lies, empty promises, misleading information—these are all so-called “tools of the trade” for those with political ambitions. And judging from the pool of GOP presidential candidates, it seems to be business-as-usual for those hoping to take the White House next year.

Consider a recent study by Politifact, an organization that evaluates the truthfulness of statements made by political candidates. They examined statements made by every GOP candidate and judged them as either true/mostly true or half true/mostly false/false/pants on fire. Here’s the graphic they created to report their findings:

how much youve been lied to

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies (Politifact)

As you can see, the most truthful GOP candidate appears to be John Kasich, who obviously has no chance of winning the Republican presidential nomination. In fact, most of the candidates who speak more truthfully are so far behind in the polls that none of them are considered to be serious contenders. Sadly, the current front runners—Ben Carson and Donald Trump—tend to be the least truthful, with Carson slightly ahead of the sandy-haired real estate mogul.

None of this should come as much of a surprise, of course, since both Carson and Trump have no real political experience. They just seem to tell people what they want to hear, although neither of them have the knowledge—nor even the desire—to back up the things they say. They just keep saying things… and much of what they say is bizarre, mean or just plain wacko.

2015-10-26-1445898099-2913922-ScreenShot20151026at3.11.25PM.png

The new Archie Bunker and George Jefferson? (Norman Lear/Huffington Post)

Most of what Ben Carson says, for example, seems to qualify for this last descriptor. Take his theory on the Egyptian pyramids. In 1998, Carson made the following statement about the man-made wonders: “My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. Now all the archeologists think that they were made for the pharaohs’ graves. But, you know, [something to store that grain] would have to be something awfully big, if you stop and think about it.” Yesterday, CBS News asked Carson if he still believed this and, oddly enough, he said that he did.

And this guy wants to be president?

Of course, Trump isn’t much better. I could go on-and-on about all the crazy things he’s said since entering the presidential race, but they are all pretty well-known. He did target his main GOP rival in a promo for his upcoming appearance on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, though: “Ben Carson is a complete and total loser!”

I hate to sound childish, Donald, but it takes one to know one, punk!

S.O.B.s from the GOP

The new face of foolishness: Donald Trump (Playbuzz)

If I ever feel bummed out or depressed, I sometimes scan the online news sites for stories about GOP presidential candidates, who always make me laugh. Their ineptitude and general stupidity never fail to bring a smile to my face, especially where two particular candidates are concerned: Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

I swear these guys could pair up for a pretty entertaining Vegas show if they were so inclined.

The story I read about Trump was not very recent—it was originally posted this summer—but it certainly illustrates why he has no business in a presidential race. In an interview with NBC News, Trump was asked about Charles Krauthammer, a journalist who is paralyzed from the waist down and had the nerve to refer to Trump as a “rodeo clown.” Trump responded as only Trump could:

“I went out, I made a fortune, a big fortune, a tremendous fortune… bigger than people even understand. Then I get called by a guy that can’t buy a pair of pants, I get called names?”

Since then, Trump has insulted immigrants, female reporters and basically anyone who doesn’t agree with his extreme, dumbass ideas. Yet somehow he remains a front-runner in the Republican battle for the presidential nomination. I can’t understand this, but I do have one thing to say to this squirrel-coiffed madman: “Stay classy, Donald.”

Ben Carson wants to be the next big action star (Getty Images)

The story I read about Ben Carson—another ridiculous candidate for Commander-in-Chief—was more recent and happened earlier this week. Carson was being interviewed on Fox & Friends and responded to a question about the recent shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon. Nine people were killed when Christopher Harper-Mercer walked into a classroom, asked students their religion and murdered each of them in cold blood—and here’s what Carson had to say about it:

“I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, ‘Hey, guys. Everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.’”

That’s easy for Carson to say from his warm seat in Fox studios, but things are much different when you’re in a life-threatening situation. And who knows how someone will react once fear and adrenaline start coursing through them?

Oddly enough, someone did fight back on that fateful day in Oregon: Army veteran Chris Mintz. And he was shot seven times, but still managed to survive. He is currently recovering from his wounds—and it seems to me that someone as intelligent and courageous as Ben Carson would know this before making such insensitive and ridiculous remarks.

Some may find these stories shocking and offensive, but I assure you we will all feel this way if either of these morons wins the Republican nomination or worse, the presidency. And if this does happen, I have only one question:

Anyone want to move to Canada with me?

Trimming Down

With regard to weight loss, should Christie really be pointing fingers? (NY Post)

One thing that I truly dislike about politics—and most organized religions, for that matter—is hypocrisy. Political candidates rarely seem to practice what they preach. And though they often call out others for their inconsistencies and transgressions—in an effort to garner support among the public—they are almost always guilty of similar transgressions themselves. The media are known for uncovering such skeletons in their closets, which is likely their most important function given how much bullshit they normally sling.

Consider New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, a candidate for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, for instance.

Earlier this week, Christie criticized the leader of his state’s National Guard—Air Force Brigadier General Michael Cunniff—for being too fat and out-of-shape. Apparently, Cunniff had been reprimanded by the Pentagon for his poor physical fitness and excessive weight, so Christie gave him 90 days to “meet his obligations” and slim down.

A statement from one of Christie’s spokesmen put it like this: “The Governor has expressed directly to the General that his failure to meet that standard or to provide notification of his formal reprimand is both unacceptable and disappointing.”

I’m sorry, but if ever there were an instance of the “pot calling the kettle black,” this would have to be it.

In 2013, Christie underwent weight-loss surgery and had a band placed around his stomach to limit his food intake. He made light of this by referring to himself as “the healthiest fat guy you’ve ever seen.” Of course, he could have chosen to eat right, exercise and lose weight the healthy way, but he instead opted for the so-called easy way out. Was this same surgery offered to Cunniff? Certainly not.

I’m not a hater, but one look at Christie proves that surgery wasn’t the answer to all his weight problems. If anything, I bet that band around his stomach is stretched to the limit. One can only hope it doesn’t bust like a rubber band stretched too far. Otherwise he’s liable to explode all over his opponents during the next Republican debate.

Sadly, this might be just what he needs to make an impact in this election. And rather than forcing others to trim down, I hope stories like this result in a trimming down of the GOP candidate field even further—starting with the hypocrite known as Chris Christie!

Good Riddance

Farewell and thanks for the memories, SW! (TV Guide)

Yesterday, I heard some great news regarding the pool of Republican candidates vying for the presidential nomination: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has suspended his campaign! Woohoo!

This was actually the second piece of great GOP news since the first candidate to drop off was former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. That means there are 2 down and 14 or so to go. I wonder who will be next.

Actually, I hope the next candidate to drop off—aside from the hair-challenged jackass Donald Trump—will be retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Despite being completely unqualified for the job, he also seems to be a Muslim hater. Consider his comments on Meet the Press this past Sunday, when he said that he “would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation.”

So a neurosurgeon can be president, but not a homosexual or Muslim? Doesn’t sound like the land of the free to me (Mad Magazine)

Sorry, Ben, but religious freedom is one of the foundations upon which our nation was built. And I shudder to think only Christians would be permitted to lead this country. Being a “melting pot” means everyone has the chance to be president. Hell, we only elected a black president eight years ago, a fact I’m sure is significant to Carson as an African-American. If race wasn’t an issue, then why should religion be?

Of course, Carson didn’t stop there. On Monday, he clarified his position by mentioning that he would support a Muslim president, but only if that individual first denounced their religion.

“If someone has a Muslim background and they’re willing to reject those tenets and accept the way of life that we have and clearly will swear to place our constitution above their religion, then of course they’ll be considered infidels and heretic, but at least then I’d be quite willing to support them,” Carson told Sean Hannity from Fox News. “What we have to recognize is that this is America, and we have a constitution and we don’t put people at the leadership of our country whose faith will interfere with the carrying out the duties of the constitution.”

Sorry again, Ben, but the First Amendment includes freedom of religion. And as far as I know, no Christian president has ever been asked to denounce their religion. Why should this only apply to Muslims?

With any luck, this clear Muslim hatred will result in Carson being tossed from the presidential race, too. He certainly has no business in Washington and should probably focus on enjoying his retirement—in a Muslim-free community, of course!

That Smell

The hot air you feel tomorrow night will be coming from this crowd (Associated Press)

In the 1950s, Hans Laube collaborated with producer Mike Todd, Jr. to create Smell-O-Vision, a system that pumped scents into a movie theater to coincide with whatever was on the screen at the time (tobacco smoke, fresh bread and so on). They debuted their system during showings of the 1960 mystery film Scent of Mystery but, alas, the technology never really took off and faded into obscurity a short time later.

I mention this only because Fox News released the roster of Republican presidential candidates set to debate in prime time tomorrow night. They include Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and John Kasich.

If the movie stunk, you would never know from smelling it! (Getty Images)

Everyone else was invited to debate earlier in the day—which basically means they’re sitting at the kids’ table this time around. Sorry, Ricks (Perry and Santorum).

Honestly, it’s too bad Smell-O-Vision never amounted to much because if it had, it would surely be available through television today. And if it was available during tomorrow’s debate, only one smell would likely come through.

The smell of bullshit. And believe me, there should be plenty of it to go around.

Trump Unplugged

trump butt plug

Help put Donald Trump in his place! (Fernando Sosa)

When it comes to merchandising, it is extremely rare for a product to perfectly represent the celebrity or famous figure for which it was designed. Thanks to a 31-year-old Florida artist named Fernando Sosa, however, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump finally has a product worthy of his name.

It’s a butt plug… and one “The Donald” can truly be proud of.

“I wanted to do something insulting,” Sosa told The Huffington Post recently. “I like the mental picture of his face going into people’s asses.”

Sosa used a 3D printer to create the butt plug shortly after Trump labeled Mexican immigrants as rapists and drug addicts. You see, he was born in Mexico and did not take kindly to Trump’s remarks.

Trump could not be reached for comment, of course, but I seriously doubt that we’ve heard “the end” of this… unless Trump engineers some sort of “come from behind” victory next year!

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