Blog Archives

Poetic Justice

Grateful dogs preparing for the feast (Google Plus)

When people commit crimes against other people, news sites rush to get the stories so they can broadcast them endlessly through nearly every electronic device known to man, and even some low-tech sources like newspapers and magazines. However, stories involving crimes against animals are far less prevalent, despite animal cruelty being a huge problem in our allegedly modern world.

One such crime is known as animal hoarding—and it involves exactly what you might expect: collecting animals without having the means or desire to care for them correctly.

According to the ASPCA’s website, “animal hoarding is covered implicitly under every state’s animal cruelty statute, which typically requires caretakers to provide sufficient food, water and veterinary care. In most cases, criminal prosecution of animal hoarding can be a difficult process and may not be the most effective route, since hoarders are often emotionally troubled rather than criminally inclined.”

You may not think this happens very often, but believe me, it does. Consider the recent case of an Arkansas dog hoarder that made headlines last week.

Van Buren County Sheriff’s deputies were called to the woman’s property and found more than 50 aggressive and malnourished dogs around her home. They even had to shoot some of them just to get into her house. And when they did, they made a gruesome discovery. The 65-year-old hoarder—who suffered from Hepatitis C—was dead… and that wasn’t even the worst part.

Some of the dogs had been feeding on her corpse!

I suppose the old adage is true even in the animal kingdom: what goes around, comes around. And if there is a silver lining to this story, I guess it’s that at least some of these malnourished canines got the Thanksgiving meal they so desperately needed.

Balls to the Wall

They even have a kid’s menu! (Real GM)

Do you live in Syracuse, New York?

Are you hungry and in need of a cheap dinner alternative?

Have you ever wondered what an animal’s balls taste like?

If so, then you are in luck. For a limited time, Riley’s in Syracuse is celebrating their annual Testicle Festival—spelled Testical on their t-shirts—by offering customers all-they-can-eat nuts… the kind that dangle between the legs of bulls, boars, sheep, buffalo and goats, that is. And here’s the best part: they’re FREE.

“If you can’t have fun with balls, then, well, I guess you can’t have fun. So we don’t ask people to pay for them,” owner Terry Riley told Syracuse.com earlier this week.

The testicles are lightly breaded, deep-fried and served with a side of ranch dressing. And for those of you still hesitant to eat something that once hung between an animal’s legs, consider this description from Syracuse.com before you take the plunge: “Cooked, they look like a chicken nugget, but with a softer consistency, maybe like a fried scallop. The taste is a little meaty — with the breading providing a good deal of the flavor.”

Bon appétit, brave diners!

Never Forget

Rescuers pull the baby elephant out of danger (Facebook/The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust)

Despite returning from a long beach vacation and having plenty of other subjects to write about—including all the hypocrisy surrounding the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision to legalize same-sex marriage (some people apparently don’t think we all deserve to be happy)—I choose instead to write about a heartwarming story I just found during my daily perusal of the headlines.

The story involves a baby elephant in Kenya who was recently trapped in a muddy watering hole. A herd of elephants stood by helplessly as one of their own started to drown—the embankment was far too muddy and slippery for them to manage, so all they could basically do was watch and panic.

Fortunately, members of the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust’s Voi Elephant Keepers were contacted and quickly came to help. The herd was upset and seemed ready to charge any time, but luckily these good Samaritans were able to approach the muddy ditch and attempt a rescue.

“The rescue proved extremely challenging with two wild elephant herds highly charged and remaining at the scene trying their level best to protect their baby, and by doing so inhibiting the rescue team from approaching,” it said on the group’s Facebook page. “They just want to protect their babies, not knowing whether you are there to help or hurt.”

The herd welcomes the baby back (Facebook/The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust)

Thankfully, rescuers were able to cordon of the area, attach straps to the young elephant and pull her to safety. She immediately rushed back to the herd, which quickly surrounded her and ushered her back into the fold.

The old adage is that elephants never forget. And research has shown that strong recall powers play a significant role in how they survive.

I guarantee the members of this particular herd remember that on this day, humans didn’t attempt to hurt or kill them; they helped. And to me, that’s as heartwarming as it can get.

Holy Shih Tzu!

Sadly, the creep in this story gave a little too much (Zazzle)

No one said marriage would be easy. And a woman in Alabama just learned this the hard way.

On Friday night, 39-year-old Jonathan Edward Medley of Geneva, Alabama was arrested and charged with animal cruelty.

Apparently, his wife thought he was cheating on her, so she set up a hidden recording device in their home hoping to catch him in the act. And believe me, she caught something I’m sure she never expected.

Medley was supposedly upset with his wife for showing her dog more attention than she showed him. So what did he do to get back at her?

He molested her two-year-old, ten-pound shih tzu Buster.

Fortunately for Medley, Alabama got rid of its bestiality law and he was only charged with a misdemeanor. I hope this doesn’t encourage more sex with animals in the state, but I’m certain it will do little to deter it.

The good news is that Buster has been checked out and is doing fine. Whether or not he ever trusts another human male remains to be seen, though.

Roller Coaster Rubout

The “Ultimate” killing machine? (Flickr)

The last few months have seen members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS behead American journalists James Foley and Steven Sotloff. And earlier today, 30-year-old Alton Nolen of Oklahoma was charged with first-degree murder and assault for allegedly killing two former co-workers at the processing plant where he once worked—he beheaded one of them with a knife.

In other words, “off with his head” (or her head) seems to have been taken to heart by psychos everywhere. Unfortunately, news of another beheading was just released, only this time the victim wasn’t a human being; it was a deer.

The accident happened on The Ultimate, a steel roller coaster at the U.K. theme park Lightwater Valley. Saturday morning, riders on the coaster were cruising down a long stretch of track in a wooded area when they hit and decapitated a young deer, who died instantly. Some passengers were sprayed with blood as a result, but otherwise no one was injured.

Of course, this isn’t the first time The Ultimate struck one of Bambi’s kinfolk. In 1994, the coaster hit a deer, ripped off its legs and left its antlers stuck in the safety bars. Blood-soaked passengers were traumatized by the incident, but thankfully only one person was injured.

Maybe it’s me, but The Ultimate doesn’t seem like the best name for this “killer coaster”… unless they change it to The Ultimate Bloodbath!

Animals in Danger

Be nice to our animal friends, would you? (Change.org)

When I read daily news stories, I always expect to learn about humans being cruel and downright evil to other humans. It’s sad that these stories don’t shock me anymore, but what can you do? Evil people are all around us and the media loves to showcase them at every turn.

Unfortunately, there are some people who decide not to limit their cruelty to other Homo sapiens, but instead “turn their sights” on animals. And while I may be rather desensitized to stories of human-on-human cruelty, reading about the mistreatment or killing of animals always leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

And believe me, today my mouth tastes very, very bad—and here are a few reasons why.

EDGEWOOD, NEW MEXICO: According to the old adage, dogs are man’s best friends. Too bad nobody bothered to mention this to Salvador Martinez, who was just released on bond for extreme cruelty to animals. Apparently, Martinez was hungry and decided to do something that for whatever reason isn’t illegal in New Mexico: he killed the family dog Onyx, skinned and cleaned the animal, and started to marinate dog parts in Italian dressing in his girlfriend’s freezer. I guess when he told her he planned to “barbeque one of [her] dogs,” she should have believed him, huh?

I would go back in that shell if I were you (The Creature Hub)

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA: If you ask me, one of the most harmless and patient animals on the planet are turtles—not the snapping variety, but your everyday, run-of-the-mill tortoises. Yet this didn’t stop two teenaged girls in Florida from targeting a gopher tortoise for extermination earlier this month. 18-year-old Jennifer Greene and a 15-year-old friend caught the turtle, set it on fire, slammed it to the ground and then stomped it to death. What’s worse is that they videotaped the attack and posted it on Facebook—and that’s all wildlife officials needed to charge them with felony cruelty to animals last Friday… freaks.

STONINGTON, CONNECTICUT: This has been a terrible month for turtles, not just in Florida but also in the great state of Connecticut. This time the tortoise killer was 31-year-old Steven Richard, who got into an argument with his girlfriend and decided to take it out on her pet. Using a BB gun, he walked into the front yard with the turtle, placed the muzzle to its head and assassinated it gangster-style while his girlfriend watched. Fortunately, he was arrested soon after and will also face animal cruelty charges. Poor turtle.

OLIVER

Oliver loves guns and sex with animals (Facebook)

SUFFOLK, ENGLAND: Our last story comes from “across the pond” and involves 28-year-old Oliver Lown, a veterinarian who pleaded guilty to criminal charges in 2012 and was recently banned from the profession by the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons. Apparently, some videos from 2009 surfaced that showed Lown having sex with a dog in “a house setting” and a horse in “a stable setting.” Of course, the last word anyone would use to describe this weirdo is stable, but he did give me a great, money-making idea.

Is it me or does there seem to be a market for inflatable sex dolls made to look like animals? Prepare yourself, Kickstarter, because I’m heading your way!

Elephants Never Forget

Incredible moment elephant cries during rescue mission

Things are looking up for Raju now! (Press People)

Raju is a 50-year-old Indian elephant held in captivity for most of his life by as many as 27 different owners. And his life was one of pain, cruelty and servitude. His most recent owners used him as a “beggar’s prop” to entertain tourists, who often fed him scraps as one of his only means of sustenance. Owners would also pull hair from his tail to give visitors as souvenirs.

It was a terrible life, in other words, but one that was about to change for the better.

On the night of July 2, members of Wildlife SOS—a group devoted to protecting endangered animal species—set out to rescue Raju, whose captors kept his feet bound with spiked chains to prevent him from being liberated. A team of veterinarians and wildlife experts, along with police and officers from the Forestry Commission, raided the farm in the Uttar Pradesh region of India and, fortunately, were able to both sedate and save the majestic beast.

And if you think Raju wasn’t grateful, think again.

Press People Raju the elephant with wildlife sos head vet Dr Yaduraj Khadpekar as he is freeing  him

Raju is freed from his chains (Press People)

“The [rescue team] went in to rescue him and [his captors] had bound him up so tightly that he was in a lot of pain,” Wildlife SOS-USA executive director Nikki Sharp said after the late-night operation. “The vet and our team came with fruits and just started speaking softly to him and to reassure him that we were there to help, and it was at that time that tears flooded down his face. The founder of Wildlife SOS, who was there at the time of the rescue, said that really caught him off guard. They’ve done a lot of elephant rescues and the fact that tears were just coming down… he was weeping. It was an emotional moment and everyone was more motivated to get him on the truck and to safety.”

Raju was transported to the Elephant Conservation and Care Centre in Mathura, where his shackles were finally removed. And on July 4, while Americans were celebrating their independence, Raju took his first steps of freedom. Sharp says he is doing “fabulously,” being treated and rehabilitated, and will soon be introduced to other elephants at the facility.

Tell me this isn’t one of the most heartwarming stories you’ve ever heard. And to anyone who believes that animals don’t have feelings or shouldn’t be treated with respect, I hope stories like this finally convince you that all living things deserve our kindness and protection—and appreciate when we allow them the same happiness we seek for ourselves in life.

You go, Raju!

Kung-Fu Kitty

This poor little guy needed ten stitches, but it could have been worse if not for Tara (Scripps Media/ABC News)

This VIDEO has gone viral, so there’s a good chance you may have seen it already. Nevertheless, I wanted to blog about arguably the coolest cat in the country: Tara from Bakersfield, CA.

Earlier this week, a young boy was riding his tricycle in the front yard of his home when surveillance video captured a vicious attack. His neighbors’ dog—who apparently got off his leash and was looking for trouble—suddenly “bum rushed” him, bit into his leg and started to drag him across the lawn.

Fortunately, Tara came to his rescue.

From off-screen, you can see the pissed-off pussy come flying into view—paws with claws spread in attack formation—and defend his “little brother.” And if you thought scaredy dogs didn’t exist, think again. This poor furry bastard learned his lesson and took off once he saw the feline fury heading his way. And do you know what impelled this kitty to defend his young owner?

Love, baby… and isn’t that what life is all about?

Get Your Goat

Please don't serve Dock Street Walker to goats! (Lajitas)

Please don’t serve Dock Street Walker to goats! (Lajitas)

Something I never expect to see in the news headlines—much less in multiple headlines—are goats.

Pit bulls, chimpanzees, wolves… these sorts of animals rarely surprise me since it seems someone is always being attacked, mauled or killed by dangerous animals, but goats? As far as I know, all they do is graze, poop and make endless noise, but I guess I still have a lot to learn about these creatures… despite having a goatee on my face for as long as I can remember.

The first goat reference came from Greenfield, Massachusetts and was relatively tame, no pun intended. Last Saturday evening, officers responded to a call about suspicious activity at a local Sunoco gas station. The report came in around 8 p.m. and seemed to involve “a woman crying and yelling and a man acting suspicious near a car.” Of course, what officers discovered once they arrived was much different.

As it turned out, there was no woman and no suspicious activity. Instead, they found the “suspicious” man and the source of all the alleged crying: he had a car full of goats!

Fortunately, there was no crime, no one was hurt and the goats appeared to be in good condition. Chalk it up to country living, I guess.

Moments after reading this story, I stumbled across goats yet again, this time in a post from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And trust me when I say that this story is much more bizarre than the last.

The Dock Street Brewing Company in West Philadelphia is known for concocting some rather off-beat, freaky beers. Their latest batches have names like Prisoner of Hell—made with bubble gum, herbs and spices—and Man Full of Trouble Porter—which utilizes chocolate and black malts. Of course, it’s their latest brew that seems to be getting all the attention.

The beer with the taste for the undead! (Dock Street Brewery)

The beer with the taste for the undead! (Dock Street Brewery)

The beer is called Dock Street Walker and was created in honor of one of the best shows on television, AMC’s The Walking Dead. By now you’re probably wondering how goats factor into all of this, right? Well if you thought they appeared on the beer’s label, you would be wrong; they appear in its ingredients.

Yes, it seems the “secret ingredient” of Dock Street Walker is none other than—wait for it—goat brains!

“The flavor is a light stout and it tastes really roasty and chocolatey,” Company President Rosemarie Certo said of their latest flavor. “A little bit of smoke from the goat brains that were cooked in our wood-burning oven.”

To add some color—and to give the beer a bloody hue—cranberries were also added to the mix, which might make this easier for some people to stomach. Sadly, I’m not one of those people—not because of the goat brains, mind you, but because I hate cranberries. I would certainly prefer the brains if given a choice, in other words.

After reading these stories—and realizing that goats are much more prevalent in the news than I ever imagined—I couldn’t help but wonder: Should we put these folks together? That way the man with the crying goats can get some peace and quiet while he enjoys a cold, refreshing brew made from… that’s right… his own goats’ brains!

It’s worth considering, I think.

Abusing the Tool

Isn't it enough that cows provide milk, leather and beef? (News Limited)

Isn’t it enough that cows provide milk, leather and beef? (News Limited)

Believe it or not, but it isn’t easy being a guy.

For a comic take on the challenges my testosterone-fueled brothers and I face, check out what quickly became my most popular blog post to date, 10 Things That Suck About Being a Guy. Of course, what I’m writing about today is more serious in nature—a topic that can only be described as penile responsibility.

You see, all men—by virtue of being born male—come equipped with a special tool: the penis. Its primary uses involve procreation and urination—as well as recreation, I suppose—but it’s obvious that some of my brethren have no clue how to use theirs correctly.

In other words, they are ill-equipped in terms of using their tools correctly… and they embarrass our entire gender when their misguided antics get splashed across the headlines.

Take the following examples of poor penis management, for instance.

Tim Margis rivals Imelda Marcos in terms of loving shoes (River Forest Police Department)

Tim Margis rivals Imelda Marcos in terms of loving shoes (River Forest Police Department)

Kinky Cobbling

Tim Margis was the director of public safety for Concordia University in River Forest, Illinois until February 12th, when he admitted to some very disturbing behavior and was terminated. According to the police report, a female co-worker saw Margis walking out of her office one day while buttoning his pants and tightening his belt. She investigated and discovered he had left a gift inside one of her shoes… a very sticky and disgusting gift only men can create, if you know what I mean. And I know you do.

Needless to say, Concordia University fired Margis a short time later and authorities charged him with disorderly conduct and public indecency. And though he may never work in security again, at least this opens the door for Margis’ other passion: shoe shining!

You Could Go Blind… or Worse

Valentine’s Day was a lonely time for Jerome Carpenter, a teenager in Portland, Oregon who suffered from depression during this last romantic holiday. That afternoon, his mother called him down for lunch, but got concerned when an hour passed and he didn’t show. And Jerome was the kind of guy who loved to eat, so his mother suspected something was wrong and went to his room to investigate.

Jerome Carpenter took salami slapping to the extreme (Huzlers)

Jerome Carpenter took salami slapping to the extreme (Huzlers)

She found Jerome dead and in a very compromising position. Apparently, he had masturbated 56 consecutive times and subsequently died of a heart attack. Here’s how Officer Dean Marrow described the scene later:

“The young man was on his bed… his penis was detached from his body… it must have been so intense it just came off his body… we found his penis gripped in his left hand so tightly we couldn’t get it out… it was tragic.”

Yes it was. And it just goes to show that where masturbation is concerned, blindness and dehydration aren’t the only risks men run for excessive self-love.

Every Dog Has Its Day

The saying “every dog has its day” may be more than 450 years old—originating in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the early 1600s—but sometimes these days are not as good as one might expect. Such was the case for a dog in Louth, Lincolnshire recently—and the day he had is one that he and his owner will likely struggle to forget for a long, long time.

If you love your dog, then just give him a regular bone (Inside Naija)

If you love your dog, then just give him a regular bone (Inside Naija)

Police in Louth arrested 19-year-old Wayne Bryson after his girlfriend searched his cell phone and discovered a clip of him having sex with her bull terrier. Bryson admitted to the crime—claiming this was his first time humping man’s best friend (in the most bizarre role reversal ever)—and pleaded guilty to performing an act of sexual penetration with a dog. If convicted, he could spend as much as two years in jail. For now, however, Bryson was released on bail with one stipulation: he is not allowed to be alone with animals.

As if this even needed saying… freak…

Bovines are So Fine

Our final example of penile misuse comes from a farm in Herkimer County, New York. And I warn you that in terms of perversion, this one truly takes the cake.

A cattle farmer noticed that his cows seemed anxious and weren’t producing as much milk as they normally did, so he set up a hidden surveillance camera to see if he could get to the bottom of the mystery. Unfortunately, he soon learned that “getting to the bottom” of his cows was someone else’s concern, too.

As he was reviewing the surveillance video, the farmer noticed two men—Michael Jones and Reid Fontaine—who apparently loved bovines more than he did… and in a much more literal sense. While Jones filmed his accomplice, Fontaine attempted to have sex with several cows. Whether or not he was successful is another story, but his sexual exploits were enough to warrant a call to police, who soon arrested the men and charged them with misdemeanor sexual misconduct.

Cow lovers Jones and Fontaine (Huffington Post)

Cow lovers Jones and Fontaine (Huffington Post)

It’s obvious that both Jones and Fontaine will be punished for their actions, but having their pictures and disgusting crime plastered across every news site from here to Katmandu may be all the punishment they need. I certainly feel sorry for any family members who now have to deal with the bullshit this incident provided… or should I say cow shit?

Yes, being a guy can be tough, but the one overriding principle we should all learn from these stories is this: YOU control your penis. When it starts controlling you, though, then perhaps the best place to visit is a doctor’s office… rather than a local farm, I mean.

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