Silent, Not Deadly

The golden age of flatulence is upon us! (Plaintips.com/Shreddies)

Do you suffer from uncontrollable and embarrassing flatulence? Have you ever wished for clothing designed to filter or conceal the foul odor associated with excessive farting?

Well, wish no more, my gassy friends. Help has finally arrived.

Shreddies, the British company that introduced the world to fart-filtering underwear, has just announced the arrival of pajamas and jeans designed to keep your ass stench in check.

“You can wear your Shreddies Jeans and Pyjamas with your regular underwear, team them with a pair of Shreddies pants for double protection, or if you’re feeling brave, why not skip the underwear completely!? You’ll never have to worry about those moments again,” according to a press release on the company’s website.

Using the same Filtrex system as its fart-free underwear, the new Shreddies jeans and pajamas should make flatulence fun again. Now you can unleash your silent-but-deadly emissions without fear of discovery or ridicule.

Unfortunately, though, Shreddies only muffle smells, not sounds. So it’s probably still a good idea to find a private place to unload. Better safe than sorry, after all.

Defending Yoga… Sort Of

Yoga pants distracting? Maybe, but at least girls sit on them in class (The Chive)

Last week, officials at Rockport Middle/High School in Massachusetts attempted to enforce a ban on yoga pants, which they claim are in violation of the school’s policy regarding “leggings worn as pants” and “overly tight” clothing. A number of faculty members had expressed concern over the pants being a distraction to other students—particularly hot-blooded, heterosexual males—so administrators felt more strict enforcement of the policy was in order. School Principal Philip Conrad even asked several girls to change last Friday, some into clothes available at the school—like gym attire—and some into clothes retrieved from home.

And as you might expect, many Rockport students were not happy.

“Rockport has a tendency to address these things in an explosive manner,” said 16-year-old Alex Arnaud, who was among the students wearing the banned leggings last week. And freshman Jade Barry—who felt the administration’s decision was just another form of sexism—confessed to wearing yoga pants simply because “they’re comfortable.”

Junior Alex Arnaud speaks out (Mike Springer/Gloucester Daily Times)

Of course, 16-year-old sophomore Thomas Beaton put it best when he pointed out that yoga pants on girls are no different from sweatpants on guys, which often leave little to the imagination given everything jangling around down there. “I think there are bigger school problems to worry about than what girls wear for pants,” he said.

Loosely translated, this means “please let girls wear what they want and don’t ban the tight pants I love so much!” Trust me. I speak fluent hetero-male. It’s a blessing and a curse.

At any rate, resistance to the yoga pants ban grew so quickly that Rockport Superintendent of Schools Robert Liebow and Principal Conrad lifted the ban—meaning it will not be strictly enforced—and vowed to form a committee to review the controversial dress code.

“This is the prudent approach,” Liebow explained. “To have everyone weigh in on what should be acceptable dress for school.”

So for now, it seems students like junior Olivia Keating can continue to wear the popular pants in school, but their days certainly could be numbered. And I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I support the right of these young women to wear yoga pants in school.

Some teachers look good in yoga pants, too (The Hollywood Gossip)

And no, I don’t frequent local high schools to ogle young girls in tight pants. I leave that to my high school brothers and sisters.

The reason I think yoga pants should be allowed is because honestly, girls are the distraction, not the pants they’re wearing. Granted, we didn’t have pants like these when I was in high school, but gym shorts, leotards—worn with short skirts, mostly in the 80s—and eventually biker shorts could have been blamed for distracting students just as easily. The difference is that we all knew it wasn’t the clothing that grabbed our attention; it was the lovely lady upon which that clothing was fortunate enough to rest—a place guys like me longed to inhabit once that clothing was balled up on the floor beside the bed, if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure you do since I’m laying it on pretty thick.

People should also remember that just because yoga pants are allowed in school doesn’t mean every encounter will be distracting in a good way. I apologize if this sounds means, harsh or insensitive, but there are some people who have no business wearing tight pants… and I am referring to both men and women. Yes, people should be able to wear what makes them comfortable or happy. This is America, after all. The trouble is that on occasion, an individual’s physical build runs contrary to the design of a particular item of clothing, in this case yoga pants. And we all know the result can sometimes be horrifying and sad, even if we don’t care to admit it.

You may want to keep gym segregated by gender, though… just to be safe (The Chive)

I know that I would look like shit in tight pants—given my complete lack of ass and some other “shortcomings”—so the fact that others choose to risk it never ceases to amaze me.

At the end of the day, though, the primary reason I feel yoga pants should be permitted in schools is because in terms of distractions, they just don’t seem very important. Better to focus on more serious distractions—like school shootings and teachers having sex with students—don’t you think?

Strangest jacket ever?

Photo by Hill & Aubrey

Hug Me Jacket: Coat for the Cold and Lonely | Fall Fashion – Yahoo! Shine.

Menswear designer Si Chan has just created what I feel is the strangest jacket I have ever seen. It is called the “Hug Me Jacket” and it features padded arms (with fingers) that wrap around you in numerous places. Check out the picture!

Personally, I would never wear something like this, but I can see it catching on with young people who want to be different… and whose parents can actually afford this thing if it ever goes into mass production.

Of course, kids who wear this jacket to school might want to sharpen their self-defense skills first, because I’m sure some bullies are just waiting for the chance to unload on someone wearing this freaky thing.

So I repeat the question mentioned at the end of this unusual story: “Would you wear the Hug Me Jacket?”