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Greatest Hits: I Believe

Originally published on September 7, 2012. Might need a little editing, I think…

In the film “Bull Durham,” baseball veteran Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) delivers a speech so memorable that I dare not reproduce it here. Suffice it to say that it involves all of the things he believes packed into about a minute of actual dialogue. I highly recommend you take a look if you have the chance. Even if you have seen it before, it is definitely worth revisiting.

As homage to this wonderful and entertaining movie and monologue, I offer this post of some things that I believe. And though it will never compare, this is for you, Crash.

I believe the children are our future, and not because Whitney Houston said so in her uplifting yet annoying hit, “The Greatest Love of All.”

I believe aliens exist and have visited our planet. Not only that, but I believe the American government has proof. Remember Roswell, true believers!

I believe in the power of nature, whether it manifests in a hurricane ripping trees up by the roots or a summer of scorching, merciless heat.

I believe Republicans and Democrats will always be at odds and propose the formation of a new party called the Demonicans… Dominicans… on second thought…

I believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, even though we kill, rob and cheat each other every chance we get.

I believe that good nutrition and regular exercise are the keys to longevity, but I rarely practice either of them. Hey, I’m just being honest here!

I believe women should be treated like queens and queens should be treated like women.

I believe that love transcends gender and that people should be able to marry who they want to marry. Every life is equal, so equal rights should be provided to all.

I believe the soundtrack to this post should be “I Believe” by REM. “I believe in coyotes, and time as an abstract. Explain the change, the difference between what you want and what you need, there’s a key.” Go on, Michael Stipe.

I believe now that my younger days were the best years of my life, even though I always thought my parents were wrong when they told me this. Why didn’t I listen?

I believe that Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Keith Moon, Frank Sinatra, Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia are still alive and are being held in a secret music studio somewhere in Area 51. A comeback-to-life album is currently in production.

I believe marijuana will eventually be legalized and strongly suggest you invest in snack food companies before it’s too late.

I believe prostitution should also be legal—and tightly regulated (pun intended)—especially if saying so gets me some kind of discount.

I believe that instant karma really is going to get you.

I believe most politicians and manure trucks contain equal amounts of bullshit.

I believe movies are meant to be both seen and heard, which is why I never go to the theater. Watching at home is a much more pleasant experience.

I believe the only race that matters is the one we all share: the human race.

I believe David Lee Roth was a better front man for Van Halen than Sammy Hagar, but now he’s a complete fool and Sammy is still cool.

Photo of 1950s Mountain Dew ad in Jakes Corner...

I believe my addiction to Mountain Dew is single-handedly responsible for all the crowns and fillings in my mouth, yet I have no regrets about drinking it. That monkey is squarely on my back!

I believe salad bars are like Petri dishes for germs because face it, anything that requires a “sneeze guard” would have to be, don’t you think?

And finally, I believe in the belief that I can believe what I want to believe.

Believe that?

I Believe

In the film “Bull Durham,” baseball veteran Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) delivers a speech so memorable that I dare not reproduce it here. Suffice it to say that it involves all of the things he believes packed into about a minute of actual dialogue. I highly recommend you take a look if you have the chance. Even if you have seen it before, it is definitely worth revisiting.

As homage to this wonderful and entertaining movie and monologue, I offer this post of some things that I believe. And though it will never compare, this is for you, Crash.

I believe the children are our future, and not because Whitney Houston said so in her uplifting yet annoying hit, “The Greatest Love of All.”

I believe aliens exist and have visited our planet. Not only that, but I believe the American government has proof. Remember Roswell, true believers!

I believe in the power of nature, whether it manifests in a hurricane ripping trees up by the roots or a summer of scorching, merciless heat.

I believe Republicans and Democrats will always be at odds and propose the formation of a new party called the Demonicans… Dominicans… on second thought…

I believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, even though we kill, rob and cheat each other every chance we get.

I believe that good nutrition and regular exercise are the keys to longevity, but I rarely practice either of them. Hey, I’m just being honest here!

I believe women should be treated like queens and queens should be treated like women.

I believe that love transcends gender and that people should be able to marry who they want to marry. Every life is equal, so equal rights should be provided to all.

REM

I believe the soundtrack to this post should be “I Believe” by REM. “I believe in coyotes, and time as an abstract. Explain the change, the difference between what you want and what you need, there’s a key.” Go on, Michael Stipe.

I believe now that my younger days were the best years of my life, even though I always thought my parents were wrong when they told me this. Why didn’t I listen?

I believe that Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Keith Moon, Frank Sinatra, Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia are still alive and are being held in a secret music studio somewhere in Area 51. A comeback-to-life album is currently in production.

I believe marijuana will eventually be legalized and strongly suggest you invest in snack food companies before it’s too late.

I believe prostitution should also be legal—and tightly regulated (pun intended)—especially if saying so gets me some kind of discount.

I believe that instant karma really is going to get you.

I believe most politicians and manure trucks contain equal amounts of bullshit.

I believe movies are meant to be both seen and heard, which is why I never go to the theater. Watching at home is a much more pleasant experience.

I believe the only race that matters is the one we all share: the human race.

I believe David Lee Roth was a better front man for Van Halen than Sammy Hagar, but now he’s a complete fool and Sammy is still cool.

Photo of 1950s Mountain Dew ad in Jakes Corner...

I believe my addiction to Mountain Dew is single-handedly responsible for all the crowns and fillings in my mouth, yet I have no regrets about drinking it. That monkey is squarely on my back!

I believe salad bars are like Petri dishes for germs because face it, anything that requires a “sneeze guard” would have to be, don’t you think?

And finally, I believe in the belief that I can believe what I want to believe.

Believe that?

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