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Gassed Up

Good luck consuming one of these without farting! (Case Pork Roll Company)

In February 2014, 70-year-old Richard Clem was fired from his comptroller job for something you may never imagine: flatulence.

Yes, you read that correctly. Poor Richard was terminated for farting too much, but at least he had a good excuse. When he was originally hired, Clem weighed a whopping 420 pounds. In October 2010, however, he underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost more than 100 pounds in the process. Unfortunately, the procedure was not without side effects, which included “extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea.”

His employer should probably count himself lucky that the former prompted Clem’s termination rather than the latter, huh?

By 2013, Clem’s condition worsened and supposedly caused a “significant disruption in the workplace.” Clem was asked to work from home to reduce the “odor in the office,” but was fired on February 28, 2014 nonetheless. His wife quit the same day due to all the “harassment and discrimination” her spouse faced. And last month, she filed a lawsuit against her employers, alleging they violated the Americans with Disabilities Act regarding Clem’s obesity and related issues.

I admit this story tickled my funny bone a little since the cause for Clem’s termination was flatulence. However, I support his case because of the nature of his employer. You see, Clem worked for the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey—the manufacturer of “old-fashioned, hickory-smoked pork rolls,” according to their website.

Now if that isn’t entrapment, I don’t know what is!

Silent, Not Deadly

The golden age of flatulence is upon us! (Plaintips.com/Shreddies)

Do you suffer from uncontrollable and embarrassing flatulence? Have you ever wished for clothing designed to filter or conceal the foul odor associated with excessive farting?

Well, wish no more, my gassy friends. Help has finally arrived.

Shreddies, the British company that introduced the world to fart-filtering underwear, has just announced the arrival of pajamas and jeans designed to keep your ass stench in check.

“You can wear your Shreddies Jeans and Pyjamas with your regular underwear, team them with a pair of Shreddies pants for double protection, or if you’re feeling brave, why not skip the underwear completely!? You’ll never have to worry about those moments again,” according to a press release on the company’s website.

Using the same Filtrex system as its fart-free underwear, the new Shreddies jeans and pajamas should make flatulence fun again. Now you can unleash your silent-but-deadly emissions without fear of discovery or ridicule.

Unfortunately, though, Shreddies only muffle smells, not sounds. So it’s probably still a good idea to find a private place to unload. Better safe than sorry, after all.

Pop-Up Post: The Poot Police

Bud bust by the butt (beforeitsnews.com)

The science and technology of law enforcement has evolved rapidly in the last twenty or thirty years. From the development of pepper spray and the widespread use of computers in the 1980s to the announcement from the National Academy of Sciences that DNA evidence was indeed reliable in the 1990s, law enforcement has changed and improved in an effort to keep pace with crime and more tech-savvy criminals. And personally, I think they’ve done a pretty good job.

The future of law enforcement—at least that bit the public is allowed to see—promises to be even more amazing: scent and sound-based deterrents (for some stinky crowd control); metabolic supplements to produce super-soldiers (think Captain America times thousands); unmanned drones; bullets that can perform “tricks,” like exploding above a target or tracking one from hundreds of meters away; lighter, more impenetrable body armor; microwave deterrent systems (to cook rioters from the inside until they quit raising hell); robotic exoskeletons (Robocop for real); nanotechnology (which should revolutionize almost everything); cloaking devices; and so much more.

Honestly, some of it seems like it’s straight out of a science fiction movie. And criminals better pay attention because these days—and for countless days and years to come—“getting away with it” won’t be as easy as it used to be. The cops have, or soon will have, the technology to sniff out even the most clandestine criminal activities.

Speaking of sniffing out crime, it is important to remember that sometimes nothing can compare to old-fashioned police work. Consider a recent case from Leicester, England—one that illustrates how a nose for crime can often be a cop’s most valuable piece of law enforcement equipment.

A “crack team” of three police officers were cruising around Leicester when one of them suddenly attacked his partners with an unlikely weapon: his ass. Due to a new high-protein diet designed to complement his exercise regime, the flatulent flatfoot unleashed a barrage of smelly farts upon his confined car mates, forcing them to open windows as they gasped for air. And that’s when a nose for crime finally paid off: they smelled cannabis.

It must have been a welcome change from all that “protein shake pooting” in the car, believe me.

The cops investigated and discovered a cannabis factory nearby with a crop worth almost $20,000. Not a bad bust considering it all started with a bad butt.

Any chance we can get more officers on this exercise regimen?

The Year of the Fart

no fart sign

No Farts Allowed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why do farts stink? So even the deaf can enjoy them, too.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? When she farts, her ankles swell.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they will stop laughing.

Despite being rather crude, fart jokes are funny, popular and timeless. They have been around for as long as I can remember. And while I can’t recall many of them, I always enjoy hearing them from friends and family members.

This year hasn’t seen an increase in fart jokes, but farts in general have been in the news much more frequently. Here are some of the stinkiest stories to grace the headlines in 2012.

16-year-old high school student Shaakira Dorsey teased one of her classmates for farting in class and a fight broke out. Before her stepfather could break things up, Dorsey collapsed and was rushed to the hospital, where she was pronounced dead. Her attacker has been charged with murder and will appear in court next week. And it’s all because of something we all do naturally: pass gas, poot, fart, float air biscuits… take your pick.

Dwight Howard

Dwight Howard, NBA King of Flatulence (Photo credit: Keith Allison)

Last month, Orlando Magic basketball star Dwight Howard was traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. When asked what he would miss most about Howard, Magic forward Glen Davis said, “The thing we’re going to miss most about Dwight is his farting ability. He can fart loud.” This echoes a similar comment from Magic coach Stan Van Gundy in 2009. Because of Howard’s “pungent power,” Van Gundy implemented a no-flatulence rule since Howard “likes to cut the cheese.”

I always wondered why professional basketball players made slam dunking the ball look so easy. They have extra propulsion. Duh!

Also this month was a truly bizarre farting story that shut down a suburban street and almost led to the evacuation of its residents.

Eric Wilson is a husband and father with a taste for bean burritos. One evening, as he sat in his living room after another delicious meal, Wilson farted. Within seconds, his wife and kids smelled it and mistook it for a gas leak. Wilson denied that he farted, so his lady called the police to report the leak. They came, closed off the street, talked about bringing in army support and almost evacuated the neighborhood. Finally, Wilson confessed to farting and apologized to his family, the authorities and his community.

Prior to his record-breaking free fall from a high-altitude balloon capsule over the New Mexico desert, doctors placed daredevil Felix Baumgartner on a low fiber diet to prevent flatulence during his jumps. Apparently, ripping a fart could be disastrous, presumably by shifting pressure and causing Baumgartner to tumble uncontrollably. Or it could be the foul stench locked in his space suit that knocks him out and leaves him to plummet to his death.

I suspect it’s a combination of both.

Whatever the case may be, there is no denying that farts are big news these days. And rightfully so, since they are killing people (albeit indirectly), getting people in trouble with the law, helping athletes reach new heights and threatening to ground skydivers.

And that’s only this year, the so-called Year of the Fart. I’m afraid to know what next year will bring!

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