Blog Archives

Let It All Hang Out!

There should be plenty of squeezing and straining this weekend (Getty Images)

Have you ever wondered why more sporting events aren’t held in the nude? Are you interested in competing while letting it all hang out… literally?

Well, the wait is finally over, my clothing-optional friends! The 2014 Nude Olympics have arrived!

This Saturday, San Francisco will hold its first nude Olympics since 2008. There will be javelin throws, foot races, beach volleyball and a host of other events, all of which will feature flopping breasts, twirling sausages and widespread butt cheeks.

There may even be a tug-of-war, which to me sounds like a recipe for disaster of the clenching, butthole-puckering variety. To each his own, I guess.

Although San Francisco banned public nudity last year, event organizers don’t expect any trouble from law enforcement or political leaders—many of whom may actually decide to spectate this weekend.

As many as twenty naked athletes are expected to attend and hope to bring awareness to the clothing-optional cause. Registration will begin at 11 a.m. on Saturday and events will pick up around noon. The weather should be nice and warm, too—ideal conditions for limiting unnecessary penis shrinkage, in other words.

If you live in or plan on travelling to the Bay area this weekend, swing by Baker Beach near the Golden Gate Bridge to check things out. It should be an event for the ages… and their genitals, of course.

At Land’s End

gq

Parents may not like this, but I certainly do! (GQ)

Land’s End is a clothing retailer based in Wisconsin that sells casual wear, home furnishings and luggage. And they value their customers so much that they decided to reward people who spent $100 or more by sending them a free gift: the July issue of GQ magazine.

Unfortunately, more than a few customers—namely parents—were outraged by the magazine’s cover, which features a nearly nude image of British model and actress Emily Ratajkowski. Here’s what one pissed-off parent had to say about it:

“We received your ‘Lands’ End Bonus’ of GQ magazine this weekend, and we are absolutely horrified. How can buying something as family friendly as school uniforms lead to soft porn in the mailbox? I’m thankful my son did not bring in the mail.”

Land’s End apologized, of course, and immediately replaced the naughty magazine with something less likely to upset prudish parents: Conde Nast Traveler. While I’m sure this will placate the masses, I do have one question for the fine people at Land’s End: Any chance you can send me a free issue of GQ? I know you have some extra copies lying around!

Row Naked

warwick

How could anyone find this offensive? (Warwick Rowing)

Since 2009, the University of Warwick men’s rowing team has produced a naked calendar to raise money for cancer research and support. And in 2013, the women’s rowing team decided to join them, only their experience wasn’t quite as positive.

For whatever reason, the team’s Facebook page started receiving complaints from prudes everywhere, but it never caused any serious problems—until last week, that is.

Because “some people” found the 2014 images of gorgeous, naked women doing rowing-type things offensive—and I have no idea who those people might be, aside from a bunch of buzz kills—Facebook deleted the team’s page last week. However, the page for the naked men’s rowing team was allowed to remain untouched, a fact that upset many female rowers, including calendar organizer Sophie Bell.

“Facebook has unpublished our page a few times since we created it, due to what it deemed ‘inappropriate images,’” Bell said recently.

warwick rowing

Sorry, but this is what I imagine Heaven must look like (Warwick Rowing)

Fellow rower Frankie Salzano also could not understand the ban. “We have worked hard to create a tasteful and artistic calendar in which the girls’ bodies are strategically covered,” she told The Huffington Post. “The photographs we feel are an accurate representation of an athletic female body, something to be celebrated and not shunned, especially because there are Facebook pages that are degrading to the female form.”

I could not agree more, Frankie. And fortunately, Facebook finally came around and lifted the ban last Friday morning. Of course, all of this begs the question:

If Facebook gives my information to third-party vendors, experiments on me and other users without our permission, and then permits “man ass” over young, naked women, why the hell do I still have an account there?

Best Book Club Ever!

Babes, books and boobies? How can you go wrong? (OCETPFAS)

Babes, books and boobies? How can you go wrong? (OCETPFAS)

I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to reading for pleasure, I’m as slack as one person can get—and I was an English major, for goodness sake!

Honestly, though, I only stopped reading for fun when I started teaching English to college freshmen. After reading so many bad papers—chock full of grammatical errors, misspellings and so-called text message speak—the last thing I wanted to do when I returned home was to start reading even more. Granted, published authors generally make fewer mistakes, but it still seemed like a chore.

Then I stumbled across an article in the Huffington Post about the one book club that might prompt me to start pleasure reading again: the Outdoor Co-Ed Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society (OCETPFAS) in New York City. Here’s how the group describes themselves on their website:

“We’re a group of friends, and friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends, and complete strangers, who love good books and sunny days and enjoying both as nearly in the altogether as the law allows. Happily, in New York City, the law allows toplessness by both men and women. So that’s the way we do our al fresco reading. If you’re in New York and the weather’s good, won’t you join us sometime?”

Sadly, I live in North Carolina and have no plans to visit NYC in the near future, but that may have to change soon—unless I’m permitted to start my own topless book club down south, that is!

Any takers?

Tuesday Ticklers

This is the bone I aim to tickle today! (Peachey Keene)

This is the bone I aim to tickle today! (Peachey Keene)

At first glance, my title may seem rather inappropriate—maybe even sexual—but I assure you the tickling to be done involves only one body part: your funny bone. I haven’t been able to read today’s headlines, thanks to some early business I was forced to attend to, but yesterday provided me with plenty of humorous material. And with any luck, what follows will bring a smile to your face and maybe even produce a quiet chuckle or two.

Unfortunately, I am unable to embed videos in my blog, but check THIS out on YouTube. It shows a very drunk man trying desperately to get through a fence, yet failing at every turn. At least until a young boy shows him the way. If nothing else, this is proof positive that extreme drunkenness and problem-solving simply do not mix. Poor bastard.

Now consider this, especially if you plan to travel to Germany anytime soon or—better yet—if you’re there already: It was just reported that the German city of Munich—site of the 1972 Summer Olympics and the infamous massacre of Israeli athletes—has legalized public nudity by creating six “urban naked zones” around the city. Now those hindered by clothing can strip down and go about their daily business without fear of persecution.

Backpacks just became essential in Munich's nudity zones. Where else are you going to put your keys? (Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP)

Backpacks just became essential in Munich’s nudity zones. Where else are you going to put your keys? (Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP)

Of course, nudity is nothing new in Germany. The country’s first nude beach—Sylt—opened in 1920. And in 2012, Germans were named most likely to sunbathe nude by the travel website Expedia. I actually had the opportunity to visit Germany in the early 1990s, so I was able to confirm their love of nudity firsthand. Honestly, it wasn’t so much a love of nudity as a lack of shame. The German girls I met—and even the guys—were willing to strip almost anytime the mood struck them. And that’s one of the reasons I love the German people so much—they simply don’t give a shit about what others think and instead do what feels right.

And believe me… naked women from any country always feel right to me!

Our final tickling tale involves a rare medical condition—and by no means am I making light of this serious disorder—but its inherent humor is impossible for me to resist. It concerns Amanda Gryce, a 24-year-old woman suffering from Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD).

PGAD—formerly known as Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome—causes “spontaneous, persistent, and uncontrollable genital arousal in women, with or without orgasm or genital engorgement, unrelated to any feelings of sexual desire” (Wikipedia). In other words, those afflicted with this disorder can sometimes have tens or even hundreds of unprovoked orgasms each day.

Gryce has suffered from PGAD since the age of six and stays in a permanent state of sexual arousal. Each day, she has up to 50 uncontrolled orgasms and even the slightest vibrations can set her off—like hitting a bump in the road while driving or having her cell phone vibrate in her pocket. Fortunately, abstinence and regular physical therapy have reduced her symptoms, but she will likely never be rid of them completely.

Some women can't have orgasms, while others can't stop having them (Vanessa's Secrets/YouTube)

Some women can’t have orgasms, while others can’t stop having them (Vanessa’s Secrets/YouTube)

Or think of it this way—especially you gentlemen out there: If you ever wondered why some women never have orgasms, it might be because women like Gryce are hogging them all!

I’m kidding, of course. I truly hope this poor woman finds some peace. And we should give her boyfriend a hand for standing by her. Seriously… since abstinence is a big part of Gryce’s treatment, he’s probably going to need it!

The Search Continues

I hope all these search engine roads lead to Gnostic Bent! (Phil Bradley/Creative Commons)

After facing a one-day WordPress suspension and claiming I may stop blogging daily as a result—in yesterday’s post entitled Suspension Rescindedit now looks as if one more day will be added to my streak of twenty consecutive months. This happened because I started tooling around my blog statistics and for once focused on something I normally ignore: the search terms that lead readers to my site.

And let me tell you, some of them are pretty hilarious.

Since spreading joy and laughter is one of my blogging goals—as well as a good way of justifying my sarcastic, jackass-like tendencies—I thought it might be nice to share some of these terms with my readers… especially since you’re the ones actually entering these words and phrases into search engines.

Of course, I hope none of you take offense since I have no way of tracking who conducted these searches. If anything, it’s likely me who should be concerned since it’s my blog content that led people here.

Is it possible that I’m more demented than I originally thought?

Personally, I would answer in the affirmative, but take a look at what follows and see if you agree. I’m sure it will only reinforce what I already know… as if there were ever any doubt.

Despite being mentioned only a few times here, the top search term bringing readers to GB remains “Kim Kardashian.” Thanks, sister! (Getty Images)

The Fame Game

As you might imagine, celebrities and other newsworthy individuals top the list—Kim Kardashian holds the top spot among all search terms, but Jodi Arias is a close second. Other famous names include Selena Gomez—who I find terribly attractive even though I’m probably older than her parents—Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox, who dropped off for a time but jumped back into the fray after being convicted of murdering Meredith Kercher by an Italian court recently.

Great Britain’s royal family also appeared numerous times, but the most prevalent search terms related to them were royal nudity and Kate Middleton topless. I guess we can see where people’s priorities lie, huh?

dont think about it

Curiosity is nice, but enough weird questions already! (Jacob Botter)

Inquiring Minds

Also included among the search terms for Gnostic Bent were questions posed by some very inquisitive readers. Unfortunately, most of the answers they seek cannot be found on my blog—aside from can sperm help a sore throat?, which was answered in a previous post (and yes it can, even though I plan to stick with lozenges)—so I’ll do my best to address the others now:

  • Do men sympathize with girls not being able to pee standing up? I can’t speak for all men, of course, but I certainly sympathize. It’s not the mobility issue that concerns me, though (i.e. the need to find adequate facilities rather than just whipping out your wiener and spraying anywhere you see fit). It’s the fact that most toilet seats are disgusting and sitting on them frequently opens the door for rampant butt rash… not to mention all sorts of other germs and infections. Sorry about that, ladies, but at least women are less likely to coat the entire seat in urine, which is how most guys seem to roll.
  • What are the disadvantages of being a boy in Canada? Since I am unaware of any such disadvantages, I feel this question is better suited for a Canadian blogger. I would make a referral if I knew of any. My bad.
  • Can technology make a woman feel the pain of being hit in the balls? I certainly hope not since this is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Plus, creating a machine like this would undoubtedly lead to a childbirth machine for men… and I have absolutely no interest in that!
  • What are the disadvantages of sucking a man’s testicles? Fortunately, I have never experienced this—and have no plans to—but the most obvious disadvantage to me would be the need to floss pubic hair out of your teeth later. A shaved scrotum would obviously prevent this—provided there are men brave enough to run razor blades across it!

WTF?

Among the search terms I investigated were a handful that either made little or no sense to me, struck me as odd or scared the crap out of me. Here’s a quick rundown, which I hope you can figure out since I had very little luck in doing so: sparkly devil, pissed off, rectal exam, happiness bald—I am glad to know there are happy bald people in the world—kids handcuffed, poo cake/poo poo—for any scat fans in the bunch—urge to lick things, acid cow camel and snake eating human.

This last phrase was a little confusing since I couldn’t figure out who was eating who!

I hate to say it, but this pretty much represents the breadth of my childbirth knowledge (Getty Images)

Good Clean Fun

Sadly, I found only two search terms that classify as wholesome or even normal: freedom and childbirth. Most focused on my next major category, which should come as no surprise.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Yes, the overwhelming subject of most Gnostic Bent searches is everyone’s favorite: SEX. And I’m not just talking about typical search terms, either, even though they were clearly represented (sex, sex videos, upskirt and couples making love naked all made the list). Of course, I am a little confused how people could make love without being naked—at least partially—but to each, his own.

In general, sex-related search terms fell into a number of different categories. Here’s how I have them grouped up—and again, some of these terms made me laugh so hard that I almost crapped my pants:

  • Where’s the Beef? Man parts were well represented by terms like penis size does matter, lick dick and how to suck a penis. Sorry that I could offer no advice on these last two, but they seem rather self-explanatory. And most women I know learned through trial-and-error. It’s probably best to ask one of them for assistance.
  • From Behind. As a self-professed “ass man”—as well as a blogger known for posting images of women’s back sides on a regular basis—I wasn’t surprised by how many terms focused on this anatomical feature. However, the specificity of some of these terms caught me a little off guard: butt crack, booty line up, ghetto booty, bent ass, curvy ass—those two were kind of weird—her ass, her shitter—one of my friends substitutes the word dumper, which to me seems rather gross—and the most mind-boggling of all, ass found and found in her ass. It matters little, though, since I have never lost an ass and still consider them all to be “exit only.”
  • Topside. Coming in right behind… women’s behinds… were boobs in all their glory, even though the most popular search terms were limited primarily to the following : huge breasts, huge implants, huge bust and sexy nipples. I apologize to melon farmers and jug makers everywhere since their favorite words never appeared in my stats.
  • Down Under. Vaginas made the cut, but most of the related terms focused on camel toes—the public appearance of these private parts through tight clothing. Of course, some searched for early camel toes (those appearing throughout history, I suppose), camel’s toe (which may actually be the real thing–a dromedary’s digit) and my personal favorite, camo toe (those difficult to find because they blend into their surroundings). One person even added some Jerry McGuire-like flair and entered show me the toe into their search. I can only assume they meant camel toe since their search brought them here.
  • Water Sports. Anyone familiar with this phrase—in its sexual context, that is—knows it refers to urination as a means of arousal. Like it or not, but some people actually enjoy getting peed on. Fortunately, the water sports search terms on my blog fell under the category of skinny dipping: nude in pool and swimming in the buff. I did find the term penie wee wee, but that was the only true water sports reference… I think.
  • Getting Freaky. Whenever sex is involved—especially on the Internet—you can count on some freaky people searching for even freakier things. And I found no shortage of them among my search terms. Here’s a small sampling: barnyard porn, Siamese sex (which I can’t imagine is much different from sex in any other country), volleyball vagina (those covered in sand or willing to “spike” something, I guess), young jailbait (as opposed to the older variety), dog sex/women dog sex/sex with dogs (all disturbing in their own right) and another mind-boggler, sausage room gay. I can understand the connection, of course. I just didn’t know there was a special room for it.

Honestly, though, I could care less what search terms bring readers to Gnostic Bent—I’m just glad they’re here—but they sure keep things interesting, don’t you think?

Reality Round-Up: Sex and the Naked Truth

A famous scene from the film “American Pie” (Universal Pictures)

Yesterday, I published the latest installment in my ongoing Reality Round-Up series, “Hump Day +1.” For those of you unfamiliar with RRU, it’s basically a way for me to connect news stories from around the world—normally based on strange similarities or other common factors—while also commenting on the world around me. In terms of blogging, I’ve found it to be a useful tool—the news never stops and I can always count on someone doing some crazy shit worthy of a post.

Of course, it’s rare for me to publish two Reality Round-Ups back-to-back since variety is the spice of life and I try to mix things up a bit more for readers—interspersing news commentary with original essays, inspirational stories and even the occasional short fiction or screenplay idea. Every so often, though, news stories converge in a kind of “perfect storm” and simply cannot be ignored.

And today, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those days.

As a result of passing out early on the sofa last night—I have no idea what time it happened, so I must have been more exhausted than I thought—I woke up earlier than usual and made it to work a bit early, as well. After preparing for my day and completing some other small tasks, I decided to start scanning the news sites for more blog fodder, again searching for themes that might connect some of them while also appealing to readers.

I like focusing on connections because it helps me illustrate the connectedness of human kind—how we are all brothers and sisters who, despite living on different sides of the world, still have more in common than we might think. This “brotherhood of man” approach has always been important to me because our differences make us unique, yet almost always lead to strife in one form or another. Focusing on the similarities between us, on the other hand, makes day-to-day life better because it shows how our struggles, joys, successes and failures are common and should bring us together. It’s my small contribution to the betterment of society, or so I like to think.

As I was surfing from site to site in search of a topic for today’s RRU, two buzz words seemed to hit numerous times in different stories: sex and nudity. Granted, this may seem like a good thing until you remember how news agencies tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. Yes, one of these stories does have a happy ending, but in most cases—and because of the darkness that seems to be spreading across the United States (and the world, for that matter)—I’m afraid the negativity still rises to the top. My hope is that this won’t ruin anyone’s day or start the weekend off on the wrong foot, but again, they were too disturbing, strange and even interesting to ignore. I hope you enjoy this edition despite the darkness that always creeps in to the Reality Round-Up.

BILLINGS, MONTANA

Not long ago, I wrote about a man named Stacey Dean Rambold, a former high school teacher who confessed to raping one of his students—Cherize Moralez—when she was only 14 years old. Before he went to trial, though—and given the psychological and emotional consequences of rape—Moralez committed suicide. She was only two weeks shy of her 17th birthday at the time.

Judge Baugh, Moralez and Rambold (Mankato Times)

Judge Baugh, Moralez and Rambold (Mankato Times)

Rambold’s case got national attention when the judge presiding over it—the “honorable” G. Todd Baugh—claimed his victim “seemed older than her chronological age” and sentenced him to only one month in jail—in legal terms, this is known as a deferred prosecution agreement. Rambold was placed on probation for the next 15 years or so and was also required to complete a sex offender treatment program. The stipulations of this program included no contact with children, avoidance of any area where children congregate and the relinquishing of all photo, video, Internet and cell phone capabilities. As long as Rambold lived up to his obligations, all charges against him would be dropped.

Unfortunately for Rambold, he fell short of some of his treatment requirements and prosecutors pushed for his sentence to be increased to 20 years in jail. Judge Baugh disagreed and again showed his level of incompetence when he made the following statement:

“He (Rambold) made some violations of his treatment program. They were more technical and not the kind you would send someone to prison for.”

Perhaps not, but I certainly think rape is a jail-able crime, even more so when it involves an underage girl who subsequently killed herself as a result. It’s too bad Baugh didn’t think this way because yesterday, Rambold completed his month behind bars and was released from jail. Yes, he’s on probation for a long time, but otherwise he’s a free man—which means he’s capable of doing this to some other unsuspecting girl.

After all, anyone who’s willing to rape a child is obviously sick and capable of doing it again and again, at least until someone stops him. And since our justice system failed miserably in the case of Rambold—a confessed rapist—I hope we don’t see his name in the headlines again for a similar crime… but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised.

Of course, I would also like to see the following headline in the news: Judge Baugh Fired for Being a Complete Moron. This is more likely to happen, and I will be keeping my eyes peeled for it very soon.

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA

Although I know better, I was hoping the days of Catholic priests molesting children were largely behind us. Sadly, this isn’t the case in Philly where Father Robert Brennan was just charged with rape, aggravated indecent assault and involuntary deviant sexual intercourse. His case is related to the 2012 child endangerment conviction of Monsignor William Lynn, the first church leader convicted of such a crime.

What I find most disturbing about Brennan’s case—aside from the actual crimes themselves—is that he was implicated in a 2005 case for allegedly abusing more than 20 children. Unfortunately, the statute of limitations had passed and he was never charged. The archdiocese stripped him of most of his duties shortly after these allegations came to light, but he was allowed to remain a priest and we see where that led. Had he been removed from the priesthood and jailed for his crimes, things likely would have been much, much different.

Father Robert Brennan, leave those kids alone! (CBS Local)

Father Robert Brennan, leave those kids alone! (CBS Local)

Is it me or does anyone else sense a trend here? Teenagers who are mentally ill but don’t receive the proper treatment arm themselves and start killing schoolchildren, while priests who molest children are allowed to continue so they can do the same thing to other victims.

Until we start acknowledging these kinds of issues and actually take action, all we’re doing is reinforcing the behavior we all want to weed out of our society… at least I hope we all do. Based on some of these recent developments, though, it seems as if the very system of checks and balances we use to prevent crime continues to fail, opening the door to even more crime in the future.

Something’s got to give, but until it does, expect to see more priests molesting children since we’re obviously doing very little to stop them.

TEMECULA, CALIFORNIA

On Thursday, 19-year-old Jared James Abrahams—a computer science student with a penchant for hacking—was arrested for allegedly hijacking the webcams of young women and then extorting more risqué photos and videos by threatening to release these images online. One of his victims, in fact, was none other than Cassidy Wolf, the current Miss Teen USA and—at the time of her harassment—Miss Teen California.

According to the latest reports, Abrahams hacked into the webcams of young women, took control of their computers and then used the cameras to snap pictures of them changing clothes. He told authorities that he had as many as 40 “slave computers”—as well as access to other electronic devices (like tablets and cell phones)—and in all controlled as many as 150 different devices at one time. Once he had the images he needed, Abrahams would then contact each victim and threaten to release the photos unless they sent him more pictures or videos via Skype. His general threat went something like this:

“Either you do one of the things listed below or I upload these pics and a lot more (I have a LOT more and those are better quality) on all your accounts for everybody to see.”

In the case of Cassidy Wolf, he added “and your dream of being a model will be transformed into a porn star.”

What a complete freaking loser.

Cassidy Wolf and Abrahams, her online tormentor (NBC News)

Cassidy Wolf and Abrahams, her online tormentor (NBC News)

Fortunately, Abrahams wasn’t a tech savvy as he thought and failed to cover his “online tracks” effectively. Investigators eventually discovered emails, IP addresses and other communications linking him to these crimes—as well as posts to online forums where he asked others about hacking into Facebook accounts, controlling webcams remotely and installing malware. He was also linked to at least eight other women from places as close as Southern California and as distant as Moldova. And they all told stories similar to Wolf’s.

The good news is that Abrahams “wised up,” surrendered to the FBI without incident and admitted his crimes. After appearing in court, he was released “on intensive pretrial supervision and home detention with electronic monitoring,” but his parents had to first sign bond agreements upwards of $50,000 to make this happen. Abrahams will now face federal extortion charges, which I hope will lead to some serious jail time. We’ll just have to wait and see, I suppose.

There is one more thing I should mention about Abrahams: he’s autistic. This information came out Thursday when his lawyer, Alan Eisner, spoke with CNN affiliate KTLA. In other words, here’s another teenager with mental illness who perpetrated a crime that, to me, could have been prevented.

When are we ever going to learn?

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND

In an effort to end this edition of the Reality Round-Up on a more positive note, I bring you a story from Brown University that proves there are still some decent people in the world.

To generate discussion about “power, privilege, race, class, gender, ability and… how they interact with nudity, body image and nudity in relation to sexuality,” students at Brown have organized Nudity in the Upspace, a clothing-optional event that includes yoga classes, open mic nights, body painting and the aforementioned discussion forum.

Nude yoga sounds a little sketchy to me—especially if you get stuck behind a less hygienic person—but to each his own.

According to the event coordinators—juniors Becca Wolinsky and Camila Pacheco-Fores—the hope is that Nudity in the Upspace will promote both positivity and education.

Come to Brown University for an education and some nudity to boot (Campus Reform)

Come to Brown University for an education and some nudity to boot (Campus Reform)

“It’s mostly the idea of talking about and addressing things that people don’t ‘normally’ address that can be stigmatized,” Pacheco-Fores said recently. “I hope that people will laugh when it’s funny and feel moved when that is appropriate. I hope that people will come out of the experience feeling empowered and feeling that bodies and people are beautiful whether naked or clothed.”

Personally, I’m sure I would be very moved if I attended an event populated with naked college girls. And I’m sure some male or even female students at Brown would feel the same, even though many Ivy Leaguers likely have more self-control. Either way, though, the event seems like a great idea since we often forget that “normal people” don’t look like the models, actors and other beautiful folks featured in the media. I commend these students for being willing enough—and courageous enough—to shed their clothing for such a great cause.

I’m also glad no cameras, cell phones or bags will be allowed at the event. Otherwise I’m certain there would be pictures of naked students all over the Internet… as if there aren’t enough already!

So there you have it, folks: the sex and nudity edition of the Reality Round-Up. I’m certain it won’t be the last…

Naked Lady Aids in Robbery

If this was my pool, I would probably get robbed, too! (courtesy of Sodahead)

Stephen Amaral is a 54-year-old man and former Mississippi deputy from Crossville, Tennessee who thought he was helping his neighbors, but ended up being robbed in the process—and in broad daylight while he was home, no less.

What prevented him from noticing the crime occurring right under his nose, you ask? A naked woman or, more specifically, a skinny dipper.

Laugh if you like, but this could easily happen to any one of us… at least those of us who have pools in our backyards. Unfortunately, that rules me out.

Amaral was relaxing at home on June 27th when a couple who lived nearby visited and asked if they could use his pool. It was an unusually hot day and they were hoping for some relief.

Being a good neighbor, Amaral agreed and escorted the young wife to his pool while her husband supposedly went to get her cigarettes. She asked if the generous homeowner would be offended if she swam naked and, like any hot-blooded male, he told her it was fine. And for roughly twenty minutes, he sat and enjoyed the show.

“I went and got her a towel, she dried off and all of a sudden she was soaking wet again,” Amaral reported later. “I invited her to church, but she said she didn’t have time for that, she wasn’t ready for that.”

Yeah, right. You invited the sexy naked lady swimming in your pool to go to church. Likely story.

Amaral’s pool: the scene of the crime… sort of (courtesy of Sky News)

Unfortunately for Amaral, while he was gawking at his neighbor’s wife, her husband was in his home robbing him blind. He made off with medication, jewelry and even the service weapon Amaral kept from his deputy days, which apparently had sentimental value—Amaral was hoping to pass it down to his grandchildren someday.

Despite the violation—which would have been a much more “bitter pill” to swallow if not for the poolside peep show—authorities have identified the suspects and are currently investigating. Arrests should be coming soon and, with any luck, Amaral’s stolen merchandise will be returned to him. I only hope he learned his lesson, which should be rather obvious.

If a strange woman offers to swim naked in front of you—especially if her husband doesn’t seem to mind—watch your back. It’s like the old adage says: “If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.” And a naked woman with a penchant for exhibitionism would certainly qualify.

The Naked Truth

Nudity would be easy if I looked like this! (courtesy of NSFW)

Some people have no problem being naked. To them, it’s as natural as the day they were born and obviously, they’re right. We all started the same way—with tiny penises and vaginas swinging in the wind, not to mention asses being slapped by total strangers.

Actually, there are adults who still enjoy that last part, but that’s a story for another time.

I have always been fascinated by the naked-and-I-could-care-less crowd, especially since I belong to a different group: the dim-the-lights-and-keep-moving people who may not consider themselves ugly, per se, but who know they aren’t what most would call sexy.

Multiply this effect by ten for men, though. We have too much hair and outdoor plumbing to qualify as beautiful, at least many of us do. Pretty boys, male models, metrosexuals and other “attractive” guys obviously don’t count, but it isn’t their fault. We can’t all be beautiful, right? Imagine the inferiority complexes and depression that would result from the world’s population collectively realizing they were no better looking than anyone else.

Personally, I could never live in that kind of world. Variety is, after all, the spice of life, and we need average and ugly folks as much as we need the beautiful ones.

And please note that I use the word ugly with some apprehension since there is something beautiful about all of us. The wrapping paper may not be pretty, but the gift inside could be, wouldn’t you agree?

Anyway, I started thinking about nudity the other day and eventually found myself looking at websites for very specific businesses: nudist resorts. I know it may be hard to believe, but it wasn’t the actual nudity that piqued my curiosity; it was the fact that some people like being naked so much that they choose to live this way all the time.

I can relate to this poor bastard more (courtesy of visualphotos.com)

I can relate to this poor bastard more (courtesy of visualphotos.com)

I’m sorry, but one bad experience with splattering bacon grease and my days as a nudist would end rather abruptly. I promise you that. Of course, nudists must have found a solution to this problem—maybe something as simple as a clear apron (so the nudity still comes through)—but there’s something else that prevents me from experimenting with nudism (i.e. actually visiting one of these resorts and letting it all hang out)… something my shame, flabbiness, “dangling modifiers” and fear of penile grease burns can’t touch. Anytime I think about nudism or actually putting myself out there, a tiny voice in my head asks the same basic question: What if you get aroused and embarrass yourself?

I actually cleaned the question up a bit because in reality, it’s more like What if you pop a boner and someone sees you? Since the word boner may be unfamiliar to younger readers—and I have no idea what the acceptable alternative is these days—some gentle rephrasing seemed necessary.

I know what you’re thinking. Go to any of these sites, look at some pictures and you’ll notice one common theme: most of the people who frequent these places are not—and will never be—supermodels. They’re older, flabbier, hairier, scarier and, frankly, could give a shit less. And you know why?

Because it makes them happy. And I, for one, say, “Go for it!” Nudism may not be my bag, baby, but if it works for you, why not? I still find it fascinating.

With curiosity still nagging at me, I continued my online exploration and looked for evidence of nudity in the news—actually, that’s not a bad title for an ongoing post, so stay tuned, dear readers!

As you might expect, there was plenty of naked news to be had online. Only instead of peaceful nudists playing volleyball and singing around a campfire, the unclothed people making headlines were—for the most part—also making poor, maybe even fatal decisions. Sure, there were some bright spots here and there—and I pride myself on finding a balance between the depressing and the uplifting when I can—but sometimes darkness cannot be avoided. Of course, I leave the final judgment to you and instead offer my take on clothing-less current events and nudity in the news.

Welcome, my friends, to THE NAKED TRUTH.

Someone had to notice a pretty girl like Maureen Kelly walking naked through the woods (courtesy of Q13-FOX)

The skin begins in Washington State, more specifically at the Canyon Creek Campground in Skamania County’s Gifford Pinchot National Forest, northeast of Portland. It was there that 19-year-old Maureen Kelly of Vancouver chose to visit this past weekend. And it was from there that she vanished late Sunday afternoon.

When Kelly left the campsite, she was wearing nothing more than a fanny pack, the contents of which may have included a small knife and compass. In other words, she was nude-with-tools and little else. And according to someone who saw her before she disappeared into the woods, Kelly was embarking on some kind of “spiritual quest.”

It must be a doozy because as of yesterday afternoon—when the search for the missing “nudist” was suspended—authorities had nothing.

“Twelve teams searched the area again today and were unable to locate Ms. Kelly,” Sheriff Dave Brown said on Tuesday. “They found nothing that is related to this search and rescue mission.”

The good news is that Kelly’s brother described her as being “comfortable and capable” in the outdoors. Sure, some clothes would help protect her from the elements, but at least she has some skills that could help keep her alive, right?

Of course, a lot of people (myself included) hope this story will come with a happy ending rather than a tragic one. And despite having little to go on, Sheriff Brown remains optimistic, albeit ready to take the next step if it becomes necessary later.

“We will have deputies continue to check the area for the next couple days,” the determined lawman explained. “And at that time we will reevaluate our options… if Ms. Kelly does not return from her spiritual quest.”

Here’s hoping she returns with a renewed spirit instead of becoming one!

And now for something completely different.

They say everything is big in Texas. What they don’t tell you is that this also applies to crimes committed by people “in the buff”… people like 56-year-old Robert Fife of Pasadena, Texas.

For some as-yet-undetermined reason, Fife was arrested at his home on Johnson Street not for being naked—which he totally was—but for being naked and shooting arrows at neighbors from his window. Police were called, found Fife locked in his home and eventually coaxed him out, but no one knows for sure what prompted this unflattering attack. All they do know is that Fife is safely behind bars and now faces charges of deadly conduct.

Robert Fife of Pasadena, Texas: The Nude Robin Hood (courtesy of News 92 FM Houston)

And at long last, he has some pants on. It may not be much, but at least it’s a start, right?

Fife is what you might call “bad naked”—especially since he mixed nudity with violence, which is only a good idea if two women and a mud or Jell-O pit are involved—but there is plenty of “good naked” out there. And from time to time, this goodness involves social change and activism, as it does in these next two examples. The first comes from London and American Jesse Schust, who organizes an annual bicycle ride there… a nude bicycle ride.

The World Naked Bike Ride began in Barcelona in 2004 and has since spawned rides in over 50 cities and across several continents. Although it began innocently enough—basically as an excuse for people to disrobe in public and cruise around together (if everyone’s doing it then it won’t be as embarrassing, I guess)—the 41-year-old organizer of the London event sees it as something more: an opportunity to express himself as he exposes himself, only with a cause.

Schust strips in protest of “car culture, climate change and our dependency on oil.” And he finds nudity to be a very effective delivery mechanism for his message, too—especially a nude bike ride.

“People look on with a sense of joy and amazement,” the never-shy Schust said. “Using humor and celebration as an approach in protest was a whole new thing for me.”

Riding nude in London (courtesy of Wikipedia Commons)

Of course, Schust does have advice for anyone who participates in a bike ride with no clothing: “Cover the seat or at the end of the ride use a hand wipe to clean it—just as a courtesy.”

Words to live by, I think.

A second example of good nudity with a focus on activism comes from Tunisia, where three women from the group Femen—basically a movement that started in the Ukraine in 2008 to protest sexism in the region—appeared in court after being arrested for public nudity. Actually, they weren’t completely nude, only topless.

The boob flashing was part of a protest over Amina Sboui Tyler, a 19-year-old member of Femen who was detained in March for posting topless photos of herself online. The official charge, however, was carrying an incendiary device. And on Tuesday, Tyler was convicted and fined $182. Unfortunately, more charges are pending and for the time being, Tyler will remain in custody. But there is a small “silver lining.”

Topless Tunisian protesters are the best (courtesy of AFP)

The topless friends who protested have also been detained. They are set to appear in court Friday and may be charged at that time, but for now at least Tyler has some company. And if you ask me, topless company is some of the best company you can have!

Our final stories shift the “nude focus” away from activism and into the realms of stupidity, criminality and perversion. Since these are areas that have been associated with nudity in the past, though, they should certainly come as no surprise.

The first story comes from Casselberry, Florida and involves 22-year-old Thomas Edwards, a young man determined to propose to his girlfriend. Before doing so, he told his lover about his plan and she indicated where the proposal should occur: at her home, for which she provided an address.

Edwards arrived at the home on Friday, went inside and started to disrobe on the patio “because that is something that people do.” He’s right, you know. People propose naked all the time. Not!

Edwards’ nude proposal failed (courtesy of the Casselberry PD)

At any rate, the homeowners arrived a short time later—none of whom were Edwards’ girlfriend—and found a naked black man waiting for them. Needless to say, they immediately phoned the police, who came shortly thereafter to collect the intruder in the buff. Instead of going quietly, though, Edwards took a different approach: he started to spit at the officers. And what did he get in return, you ask? Exactly what you might expect: a jolt of electricity from one of the officer’s stun guns and a trip to jail.

Of course, I still haven’t heard what his girlfriend had to say about all this. Since she apparently gave him a fake address, though, I can’t imagine her response to Edwards “popping the question” would have been a favorable one. Is it possible that nude proposing is not something that people do?

Speaking of things that people do—and definitely shouldn’t—consider the story of George Boak, a 70-year-old spiritual healer from Halifax in West Yorkshire, England.

On Tuesday, Boak was charged with sexually abusing two women—and may eventually be charged for assaulting a third—and appeared in court, where he obviously denied the charges. Unfortunately, the evidence continues to mount against him and though his trial continues, the outcome will undoubtedly be bad, at least from his perspective.

According to several women who went to Boak for “treatment”—I use quotation marks since I equate spiritual healing with scamming (no offense, of course)—he asked them to disrobe since his practice involves hovering his hands over parts of their bodies and touching them from time to time, but never in an inappropriate way. Being naked simply allowed all his “positive vibes” to pass through unhindered, or so the women were told.

'Sorry, I got carried away' spiritual healer allegedly told naked patient. george boak

Boak claims he “got carried away” (courtesy of Rossparry/ Chris Fairweather)

What they experienced, however, was much, much different.

In the first case, Boak seemed to be helping his patient’s aching back, but would constantly refer to her as “beautiful” or “stunning,” which obviously made her very uncomfortable. She stopped seeing Boak for a time but returned later when her pain worsened. During this visit, however, the spiritual healer went even further, kissing her, touching her and even putting his hands inside her clothing. She reported the incident to police and Boak was arrested, but he denied the allegations and likely would have gotten away if the investigation didn’t uncover a damning piece of evidence: his diary.

Using the information within the diary, officers contacted several of Boak’s former clients and a second complaint soon emerged. It came from a woman who initially visited the spiritual healer with her husband. When Boak asked her to disrobe for her treatment, she thought nothing of it since her husband was present and, based on this one visit, found Boak to be very professional and never inappropriate. In fact, this is what convinced her to return to him again, only this time on her own. And that, of course, is when things took a turn for the worst.

During this particular visit, Boak started touching her inappropriately and even apologized when she asked what he was doing: “Sorry, I got carried away.” For whatever reason, the woman left Boak’s office, told her husband about the incident and then never reported it to police. In her view, this whole thing resulted from her being too “gullible,” even though it’s hard for me to understand why she felt this way. If you ask me, being gullible is what led her to believe that spiritual healing would work at all, but that’s not important. What is important is that when confronted with these allegations, Boak claimed the woman wanted it and said something like “give it to me, George.” As if.

A third complaint was filed recently when a woman read Boak’s story in her local paper. According to her account, Boak treated her as he said he would, but also slipped his hands down the front of her pants to grope her.

Now that I think about it, there is a chance Boak could be cleared of these charges. After all, he could have been spiritually healing these women’s private parts. And since healing hands were being placed on their bodies anyway—with their consent, mind you—Boak may have found the loophole he needs to escape prosecution… as opposed to the holes he fondled that got him into this mess in the first place!

Crude, I know, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.

What's wrong with this picture? (courtesy of Pretty 4 Ever)

What’s wrong with this picture? (courtesy of Pretty 4 Ever)

Our final glimpse at the naked truth brings us full circle and back to the place where Maureen Kelly could still be wandering through the woods with only a fanny pack on: Washington State. Only this time we visit Tacoma Community College (TCC) and Kevin Gausepohl, a vocal instructor accused of taking advantage of a 17-year-old student.

According to the young woman—who was a high school student trying to earn college credit at the time—Gausepohl claimed to be studying the effects of sexual arousal on vocal range and asked her to play the piano naked while touching herself. For some reason, she agreed and this occurred at numerous sessions they had together. In fact, Gausepohl “kicked it up a notch” during one particular session and joined in on the festivities: he started masturbating in front of her.

Gausepohl’s sexual misconduct came to light after several students expressed concern over the young woman’s treatment, which they felt exploited her sexually. The college investigated and concluded that at the very least, the vocal instructor violated the school’s sexual harassment policy. They immediately terminated his employment and since he stayed clean for a year—in line with a deal from criminal prosecutors—charges against him were not pursued. And to this day, Gausepohl maintains his innocence, even though I suspect otherwise.

Did I mention that Gausepohl is also a religious leader at Blaine Memorial United Methodist Church? Perhaps he and George Boak—the “spiritual advisor” from England with a penchant for fondling clients—should start a business together. Spiritual healing, vocal coaching, nudity and sexual mischief all under one roof? Sounds like the Wal-Mart of perversion to me.

At long last we come to the end of THE NAKED TRUTH, proof that nudity is alive and well in this world and even finds its way into the headlines from time to time. Of course, my advice to all of you is this: if you choose to be nude, please do so in the appropriate places and under the right circumstances. Bathing, getting freaky with your lover, skinny dipping in your neighbor’s pool, dropping your drawers at one of the nudist resorts I mentioned earlier… all of these are fine as long as you don’t harm anyone—aside from revealing your naked body to them, I mean (which I know would hurt people in my case)—or abuse anyone. When in doubt, though, consider following the same advice that I follow when the need to disrobe strikes me at the wrong time.

Keep your pants on… at least until it’s really time to take them off.

The Camel’s Toe

Enter at your own risk! (gamesareevil.com)

Enter at your own risk! (gamesareevil.com)

Camels get a bad rap.

Despite being one of the most reliable forms of transportation and most effective pack animals since ancient times—not to mention creatures capable of surviving in some of the harshest climates—they still have only two claims to fame in the modern world: Joe Camel—the infamous mascot for Camel cigarettes banned for being too attractive to kids—and the subject I chose to write about today, the even more infamous camel toe.

Camels get no respect (strangecosmos.com)

Camels get no respect (strangecosmos.com)

For those of you unfamiliar with the term—and I have no idea how you could be, regardless of whether you’re male or female—a camel toe is a slang term referring to the outline of a woman’s private area—which is basically a nice way of saying vagina—as seen through tight-fitting clothing.

It’s also a digit on the foot of a camel, but writing about that wouldn’t be interesting enough to sustain my current readership. Just to be fair to dromedaries everywhere, though, here are a few shots of real camel toes for your viewing pleasure.

Dromedary, F-1 Hybrid & Wild Bactrian Camel toes (See Jane Run/Flickr/Kazuhisa OTSUBO)

Dromedary, F-1 Hybrid & Wild Bactrian Camel toes (See Jane Run/Flickr/Kazuhisa OTSUBO)

Now that we have that out of the way, the time has come to move into the real meat of this post, in a manner of speaking. The following gallery includes a number of photographs of camel toes—some bad but most very, very good (at least to a heterosexual male like me)—as well as some male camel toes, better known as moose knuckles for obvious reasons. Please know that none of these images is intended to be offensive in any way. It’s just tough to broach a subject like camel toes without including pictures that illustrate how lovely or frightening they can be.

So without further ado, welcome to the Gnostic Bent photo-survey of all things camel toe. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did when I was putting it together!

NO CAMEL-TOED HUMAN BEINGS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST… THAT I’M AWARE OF…

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