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The Bionic Man

Lee Majors: Part Man, Part Machine (ABC)

In 1973, the Lee Majors television show The Six Million Dollar Man debuted on ABC. The show followed Steve Austin, an astronaut who was injured when his spaceship crashed and whose body was rebuilt by the government using machine parts.

Basically, they turned him into a cyborg.

The show was popular enough to generate a spin-off (The Bionic Woman) and all sorts of toys and merchandise. As a child of the 1970s, I remember it fondly and even had a few action figures of my own to boast of.

Now it appears there is a new bionic man. His name is Mohammed Abad and he has only one bionic body part to speak of: his penis.

When this 43-year-old virgin from Scotland was only 6 years old, he was hit by a car and dragged 600 feet. His crotch took the brunt of the trauma and his genitals were completely sanded off, for lack of a better term. Fortunately, though, things improved for Abad more than thirty-seven years later.

After several years of skin grafts and operations, surgeons at University College London were able to create an 8-inch bionic penis for him. A button in Abad’s scrotum inflates his “member” with fluids from an implant lodged in his belly, enabling him to pleasure any woman brave enough to take the plunge, so to speak.

“When you want a bit of action you press the ‘on’ button,” Abad told reporters recently. “And when you are finished you press another button. It takes seconds. Some ladies might want to try it out.”

Of course, it’s probably only a matter of time before some porn production company tries to “cash in” on Abad’s cyborg wiener. They could call it The Six Million Dollar Manhood!

The Male Condition

EM can strike at any time without warning (Twitter/Awkward Boners)

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.

Knobby News

That bull is packing! (Kimberly Scott/St. George News)

There must be something in the air this April Fools’ Day because nearly every major news site is running a story about the manliest of organs, the penis. And no, this is not a joke. Check it out.

Hurricane, Utah: The owner of Barista’s restaurant just had a large, copper statue of a bull altered on the sign outside his establishment. Residents were outraged by the original statue, which featured a rather large, cone-shaped phallus hanging between the bull’s legs. So Stephen Ward did the only thing he could—he had the animal’s genitalia removed. “I just decided it would look better without the weenie,” he said of the change. “And oh my God! It’s beautiful!” Of course, I’m almost certain that the bull would disagree.

Montreal, Canada: Are you looking for a church to call your own—one that pays homage to the twig-and-berries dangling between men’s legs? Then look no further than the Montreal chapter of the Temple of Priapus, a church that originally began in 1970s San Francisco to pay tribute to Priapus, the Greek fertility god. On its website—which I refuse to link for fear of penis pictures popping up all over my computer screen—the church explains how “the male sex organ is holy and that at least four hours a week should be devoted to masturbation or assisting others towards that goal.” Members attend worship services in the nude—which doesn’t bode well for those responsible for cleaning the pews—but thus far, only men have joined the church. Personally, I’m holding out for the Church of Latter-Day Tits & Ass to open later this year.

penis house

Breezy floor plan or erectile dysfunction? You be the judge! (LJ Hooker Mona Vale)

Sydney, Australia: Those in the market for a new home “down under” may want to visit Sherwin House, otherwise known as Buckingham Phallus, a home shaped like a penis currently up for sale. The house was created in 1958 by Stan Symonds, a well-known Australian architect. Yes, for the low price of only $853,000, you can experience testicular living at its best. Don’t worry, though. It shouldn’t be hard to finance given how soft the market’s been lately.

Gresham, Oregon: Our last story comes from the Tickle Creek area in Oregon where 53-year-old Michael Gordon Dick—yes, Dick—was recently arrested for public indecency. Apparently, Dick likes to flash female pedestrians and to “tickle his dick” in public. He was even arrested in 2008 for breaking into the home of an elderly woman while nude and assaulting her, an act which garnered him the sex offender moniker—as if the unfortunate name of Dick wasn’t enough.

So there you have it, people—your knobby news of the day. Enjoy it and please check back soon for Vaginal Verses, as well as a Breast-Of news segment currently in development. April Fools!

Shrink Wrap Revisited

Larsson has a leg of latex (Zara Larsson/Instagram)

Larsson has a leg of latex (Zara Larsson/Instagram)

Show me a man who enjoys wearing condoms during sex and I’ll show you a man who is lying his latex-wearing ass off!

It’s no secret that most men hate wearing condoms, otherwise known as shrink wrap. Truthfully, almost any other form of contraception is preferable to encasing your member in lambskin: pills, sponges, the Rhythm Method… you name it. Of course, most of us recognize the need for condoms; we just hate wearing them.

Earlier this month, sexy Swedish singer Zara Larsson called men out for making every excuse possible to avoid wearing condoms—the most common of which was that they don’t fit. To prove how untrue this claim was, Larsson took a picture of her leg wrapped in a condom and posted it to Instagram with this caption: “To all the guys saying ‘my dick is too big for condoms’… TAKE A SEAT.”

Unfortunately, Larsson missed the point entirely. It’s not that condoms don’t fit, per se. Like penises, they come in all shapes and sizes, from small and petite to large and magnum. What makes condoms so horrible is that tight, little latex ring at the base that cuts off all circulation.

And if the blood don’t flow, the penis won’t grow!

Better Than One

A rare two-headed snake (Fox News)

When someone says that two heads are better than one, they obviously mean that collaborating with another person is preferable to working alone.

Of course, the first time I heard this expression as a child, I envisioned a world filled with two-headed children—having conversations with themselves, wearing baseball caps from opposing teams and constantly arguing about who was best. My imagination truly ran wild, at least until I was old enough to know better.

Then I heard about a man who was actually living with two heads, only they weren’t the kinds that sit on your shoulders; they were the kinds you hide in your pants. You see, this bisexual man—who identifies himself only as DoubleDickDude or Diphallic Dude—suffers from diphallia, a rare condition that left him with two fully functional penises. And he just published an e-memoir to share his story, Double Header: My Life with Two Penises.

Twice as nice or cursed for life? (Diphallic Dude/Amazon)

“I realized that there are still people who are genuinely curious,” he explained in a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine. “From girls who want to know how to handle their boyfriend being uncircumcised [as he is] to guys wanting to know if they’re gay or bisexual because my equipment turned them on.”

DDD first opened up about his condition in a Reddit “Ask Me Anything” post last year. And ever since, people have been asking him all sorts of bizarre questions.

“Really, it just stuns me almost a year later that people are still reaching out to me,” he said. “So I thought I should put a book together and use that to answer questions, but also give voice to people who might feel lost in the cracks.”

Sorry, but I don’t think this guy ever has to worry about feeling lost in the crack, at least not with two 10-inch members at his disposal. Good luck finding pants that fit, though—as well as spending twice as much on condoms!

Lab-Grown Sausage

Create your own sausage! (finecooking.com)

For years, scientists have used technology to grow human organs in laboratory settings. I remember one instance where a human ear was grown on the back of a mouse, which was a pretty freaky sight to see. Of course, this isn’t the strangest example given a recent story about researchers at Wake Forest University, who successfully grew penile erectile tissue in 2009 and created a “functional engineered solid organ” for rabbits.

And by “organ,” I mean “penis.”

Yes, scientists now seem to be capable of growing penises in their labs, and the first human trials could be ready within the next four or five years.

I know what you’re thinking: Maybe I can have a really large member grown in a lab to replace the flaccid, undersized sausage I currently have?

Sorry, but that’s not really how it works.

Lab-grown penises could be used to help men with penile cancer, erectile dysfunction and even abnormalities in their nether regions. They may also help guys whose penises are destroyed due to injury… or vengeful women, I suppose (think Lorena Bobbitt).

Unfortunately, this procedure won’t help transgender men since their surgeries involve using existing penile tissue. But it could help a lot of others, so kudos to the WFU researchers responsible for this ground-breaking treatment.

I would offer them a twelve-penis salute but, sadly, I have only one saluting them at the moment!

Burning Love

sexfit

The SexFit comes in white, black or pink (Bondara UK)

Burning calories in an effort to improve physical fitness is no easy task. Fortunately, there are nearly endless activities to help you do so. High-impact aerobics, for instance, can shed between 200-300 calories every thirty minutes. And the list goes on for half-hour stints of other activities: 75-100 calories for billiards, 90-130 for Frisbee, 105-155 for golf (if you use a cart), and 180-300 for dancing, to name a few.

What about sex, though? How many calories are burned during normal bouts of lovemaking?

Most researchers believe that men burn 100 calories during the average sex session, with women lagging a little behind at 69—and no, I am not making this up. Of course, the longer you bang—and the more vigorous your positions and movements—the more calories you stand to burn. Measuring exactly can be tricky, however—and downright messy at times—but thanks to the people at UK-based company Bondara, this task may soon be much, much easier.

Enter the SexFit, a vibrating cock ring that can also be used to track male sexual fitness. Call it a “pedometer for your penis.”

Syncing with a free smart phone app, the SexFit allows its users to measure the calories they burn during lovemaking, but also measures thrusts per minute. What’s more, users can upload and share this data on social media, which should make for all sorts of embarrassing posts in the future.

Imagine someone posting a picture of their favorite meal on Facebook—with relevant calorie information—along with sex data showing exactly how they burned those calories in the bedroom. I don’t know about you, but I welcome anything that reduces the number of Some-ecards and annoying duck lip photos to which Facebook users are subjected on a daily basis.

Sadly, the SexFit is still only a prototype, but it won’t be long until it becomes available to men the world over. Reserve one today and when your SexFit finally arrives, let the thrusting commence!

Johnson & Johnson

penis cloud

Is it me or is that cloud starting to get a little too aroused? (SWNS)

Have you ever played that game where you watch cloud formations and try to determine what they look like? “That one looks like a dog! And that one might be the cat it’s chasing!” You get the point.

Well, imagine the surprise of Derbyshire’s Villager Jim, who spotted a cloud that looked mysteriously like part of the male anatomy.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw it over my house,” he said of the ethereal phallus. “It’s not usually the sort of thing I would take a picture of, but I’m not going to miss out on a huge cock flying overhead.”

Huge is right, Jim. And I suppose the same rule applies to both penises and clouds: size does matter.

Does this bratwurst make you feel better or worse about yourself? (Erro Design Shop)

Actually, since we’re on the subject of penis size, have you ever wondered which country’s citizens are most apt to have their penises enlarged? The answer should come as no surprise since it’s the same country that brought you bratwurst and other fine sausages: Germany!

Yes, of all the penis enlargement operations in the civilized world, roughly 18% involve German men who likely drift into depression anytime they’re served a brat larger than their own undersized member. Second place goes to Venezuela, a nation also cursed with micro-penises.

I sure am glad the U.S. didn’t make the list!

The White Chocolate Wiener

Penis or horse head? You be the judge! (SWNS)

Penis or horse head? You be the judge! (SWNS)

As Germany and Argentina were competing for the World Cup final, 31-year-old British lawyer Robin Jacobs was preparing to enjoy his favorite sweet treat, a Nestlé Milkybar. When he opened it, however, he noticed something rather shocking and disturbing: a penis engraved on its side!

“It was a little bit surprising,” he said of the unwelcome discovery. “What on earth is a penis doing on a kids’ chocolate bar? There’s no point in denying what it looks like. It is obvious—we can all see it.”

People see Jesus and the Virgin Mary in everyday foods and objects all the time, too, so why not a penis?

Of course, what Jacobs saw was not a phallus or even proof he had acquired a male candy bar. Here’s how a Nestlé spokesperson explained it in reaction to the unusual discovery:

The Milkybar Kid atop his penis... um, I mean horse (Nestle/Daily Mail UK)

The Milkybar Kid atop his penis… um, I mean horse (Nestle/Daily Mail UK)

“Nestlé is surprised and sorry to hear that Mr. Jacobs thought the picture on the Milkybar resembles male genitalia. It is in fact an image of a horse’s head, the Milkybar Kid’s horse.”

The Milkybar Kid is Nestlé’s mascot for the candy bar, a blonde child with glasses who normally dresses as a cowboy.

In spite of the truth, Jacobs still believes he saw a penis and will likely remember this experience for the rest of his life.

“I always have a way of remembering World Cups and now the 2014 World Cup will always be remembered as the ‘Milkybar penis’—it’s not a great way to remember it.”

True enough, but the real question is this: What did he do after discovering the chocolate penis?

“I still ate it,” Jacobs confessed. “But I was a little put off.”

Apparently not, my man, but next time consider a milk chocolate bar instead. I hear they’re much larger than the white ones!

Wu-Tang, No Wang

Christ Bearer said he had been studying some literature about monks and vasectomies and was extremely high when he took the knife to his genitals and jumped.

Andre Johnson severed his Johnson (Facebook)

On April 16th in Hollywood, Northstar member and Wu-Tang Clan-affiliated rapper Andre Johnson—also known as Christ Bearer—severed his penis in a PCP-fueled bout of self-mutilation and leaped out a second story window. Fortunately, he woke up in a hospital bed the next day and has since been recovering silently—until now.

Recently, Johnson—an ironic name given the circumstances—opened up and actually spoke about that fateful night, his intentions and the consequences of his impulsive—and emasculating—actions.

“I didn’t want to kill myself,” he said in a slightly higher tone. “That was just my response to the demons [PCP]. They were doing their best to get to me, but being alive solidified my thoughts.”

Sadly, his thoughts will be the only things that solidify now.  Doctors were unable to re-attach his penis, but there is hope.

“I definitely have some penis left,” Johnson said of his Johnson. “I always say a penis is a penis. And the sensation is still there. I definitely get extremely aroused if I see a beautiful woman. That being said, I definitely believe sex is for mortals, and I am a god. So this is a blessing, not a curse.”

1. Slice the sausage lengthwise down the middle, making sure to pierce the skin but not cutting all the way through the sausage

Relax. It’s only sausage (The Seasonal Gourmet)

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, pal. I mean, Lord.

The good news for Johnson is that he’s alive, he’s healthy, he’s been pronounced psychologically fit—a fact I would likely still dispute—and he just had a daughter, Kennedy.

“I’m very optimistic about the future,” he said. “I just had a daughter and I plan to be part of her life for a long time.”

Personally, I’d say Christ Bearer has a really good chance of making that happen—as long as he stops chopping himself up, that is. And I still can’t understand how a man could do something like that to himself, aside from being interested in gender reassignment or something. Here’s how he explained it:

“I cut it off because that was the root of all my problems… I was in complete control.”

Clearly, that wasn’t the case, but whatever. It’s your penis, Mr. Johnson, and you are free to use or abuse it any way you see fit.

I only wish you had started with a finger, you know?

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