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Cruz Gets Trumped

Cruz praised from up on high (@TheGoodGodAbove/Twitter)

At long last, it finally happened: Ted Cruz has been defeated and will not be the GOP nominee for president. A resounding victory for Donald Trump in Indiana yesterday served as the final nail in Cruz’s coffin—and here’s hoping we never have to deal with this jackass from Texas again.

If you think “jackass” is too strong a word, consider this VIDEO in which Ted Cruz auditions for voice work on the popular animated television show The Simpsons. The word it immediately brings to my mind is “creepy,” but you be the judge.

Of course, Cruz’s departure from the GOP race also means that Trump is the presumptive nominee, which is pretty scary in and of itself. Even scarier is the fact that the anti-Trump movement spent more than $75 million to prevent this from happening, only to see their worst fears become reality.

$75 million spent primarily on political television ads? What a waste. That money could have come in very handy in feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless or doing good work for the multitude of people struggling in this country. Man, we sure have some messed up priorities.

Fortunately, there is still hope for those hoping to block Trump’s nomination—and his name is Ohio Governor John Kasich.

I’m kidding, of course. Kasich has no chance and there really is no hope for the GOP. A Clinton-Trump race for the White House seems inevitable at this point. And honestly, we may all be screwed in the long run.

Toys for Ted

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

A few weeks ago, the Internet went crazy when it was discovered that Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz—while serving as solicitor general of Texas in 2007—supported a state law to criminalize the sale of sex toys.

In a brief issued from his office at the time, Cruz and his cohorts explained how people should not have the legal right to masturbate: “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

This brief included a statement that banned any device “useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Funny how there was no mention of non-human genitals, but that’s beside the point.

Fortunately, it was a big misunderstanding and Cruz recently told WABC that he will not attempt to ban sex toys if he becomes president—something which I and countless others hope never happens anyway.

For now, at least, this means that he and Trump aren’t the only dildos available. And for those of you interested in some high-tech self-pleasure, check out this video for the Dildo Drone. It’s fictional, for now, but there simply must be a market for it somewhere.

Of course, abstinence is always a good decision, too—especially when you consider the latest Cruz development. Someone watching an episode of the Maury Povitch show discovered Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old Cruz doppelgänger from Natchez, Mississippi. And if this image doesn’t immediately rob you of all sexual inclination, I don’t know what will:

Are you sure that isn’t just Ted in drag trying to access a woman’s restroom? (Maury Povitch/Getty)

Enough said.

Hypo-Cruz-y

And this guy wants to be president? As if! (Booman Tribune)

Hypocrisy in politics is nothing new. The two seem to go together like burgers and fries, Peaches and Herb or any other classic combination you can think of. And when it comes to hypocrisy in the current GOP race to the presidential nomination, no one does it better than Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

Following the recent terrorist attacks in Paris—as well as President Obama’s pledge to bring thousands of Syrian refugees into the United States—Cruz had this to say: “President Obama and Hillary Clinton’s idea that we should bring tens of thousands of Syrian Muslim refugees to America—it is nothing less than lunacy. On the other hand, Christians who are being targeted for genocide, for persecution, Christians who are being beheaded or crucified, we should be providing safe haven to them. But President Obama refuses to do that.”

In Cruz’s mind, only Christian refugees from Syria should be protected within our borders, not Muslims. After all, “there is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror,” or so Cruz thinks.

I guess he forgot that Timothy McVeigh was a Christian. And he currently holds the moniker of America’s most notorious domestic terrorist after killing 168 people and wounding 648 others during the Oklahoma City bombing of 1995. Or Dylan Roof, a Lutheran who walked into the Zion Emmanuel AME Church in Charleston, SC and gunned down nine Christians during Bible study earlier this year.

Of course, none of Cruz’s current (and crazy) rhetoric matches what he said in a 2014 interview: “We have welcomed refugees—the tired, huddled masses—for centuries. That’s been the history of the United States. We should continue to do so. We have to continue to be vigilant to make sure those coming are not affiliated with the terrorists, but we can do that.”

Funny how things change when you’re running for president, huh? And Cruz is the son of a refugee!

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