Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Have you seen this man? (Mount Healthy PD)

Police in the Midwest are on the lookout for a serial thief who has been stealing obscene amounts of the hair growth drug Rogaine—as well as the memory supplement Prevagen—from drug stores in the region.

And yes, the suspect is bald.

Mr. Clean’s most recent theft involved nearly $900 of the hair regrowth treatment from a Walgreen’s in Mount Healthy, Ohio. However, he has been linked to additional thefts in other Ohio cities—like Cleveland and Cincinnati—as well as Kentucky.

“We’re scratching our heads on this,” Mount Healthy PD Detective Chris Jones said recently. “No pun intended, I guess.”

Authorities don’t believe the bald burglar is using the Rogaine himself—judging from his still shiny and hairless scalp—but think he may be reselling it online or at flea markets.

The search continues, for now, but there is one thing this guy could do to prevent his arrest: start using the product himself. After all, no one’s looking for a hairy suspect—at least not until he starts stealing hair care products, that is!

Cookies!

Cookie Monster would be so proud! (Jim Henson/Buehler Moving Companies)

Any salesperson worth their salt understands that the first step towards high sales and even higher profits is location, location, location.

And apparently, the Girl Scouts know this, too.

One little girl in Oregon decided to maximize her profits by selling Girl Scout cookies outside the one place guaranteed to drive her business upwards: a marijuana dispensary.

Accompanied by her aunt, she set up shop outside Portland’s Foster Buds Marijuana Dispensary last weekend, intent on making enough money to fund horse camp over the summer. And needless to say, she easily surpassed her goal.

“The Girl Scouts organization said they don’t condone this, but it’s not against the rules,” her aunt told KATU-TV.

The dispensary even got in on the action by offering cookie buyers a discount on a “Girl Scout Cookies” strain of pot they sell. Of course, the Girl Scouts of the USA aren’t very happy about the trademark infringement, but this is nothing new for marijuana dispensaries, some of which market a “Thin Mints” strain of weed, as well.

Kudos to this young lady for her shrewd marketing skills, though!

Kick Carson to the Curb!

I could not have said it better myself (Danny Zuker/Occupy Democrats)

Famed neurosurgeon? Perhaps. Qualified presidential candidate? Hell no!

It boggles the mind to think that the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary narrowed the GOP field of presidential candidates—forcing people like Chris Christie, Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina from the race—yet Dr. Ben Carson remains, even though his fledgling campaign seems doomed to collapse eventually.

I mean, here’s a guy who left Iowa to return home for fresh clothes, for goodness sake. And then watched as Ted Cruz used his departure to claim Carson was leaving the race completely—effectively stealing the Iowa caucus in the process!

What has me so fired up against Carson, you ask? Fine. I’ll tell you.

In an interview yesterday with Breitbart News—when asked if Muslims who adhere to Sharia law could also participate in American democracy—Carson had this to say: “Only if they’re schizophrenic. I don’t see how they can do it otherwise, because they have two different philosophies boring at [them]. That would be very difficult.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t America founded on the ideas of religious freedom and tolerance? Or is it simply a Christian-only country?

Let’s see what the illustrious Dr. Ben Carson has to say about this, shall we? Here’s a quote from one of his speeches in Iowa earlier this month—and incidentally, he chose to use schizophrenia in a derogatory fashion in this quip, as well:

“Every coin in our pocket, every bill in our wallet, says ‘In God We Trust.’ If it’s in our founding documents, it’s in our pledge, in our courts, and it’s on our money, but we’re not supposed to talk about it, what in the world is that? In medicine, we call it ‘schizophrenia.’ And doesn’t that explain a lot of what’s going on in our nation?”

Although he was addressing the separation of church and state at the time, I find Dr. Carson’s remarks quite telling. Is he really implying that the “God” addressed on American currency only means the Christian God? Could it not also mean Allah or some other God-like figure from a religion other than Christianity?

I’m sorry, but people who believe only their God is the correct one—and everyone else be damned, so to speak—really bother me… especially when they want to become the next leader of the free world!

If you really want to help the USA move forward and return to greatness, do us all a favor, Dr. Carson. Suspend your presidential campaign so we can start to focus more on the important issues and less on the freak show that the GOP race to the White House has become. I’m begging you.

Hillary Got Bern-ed!

Get out your sunblock, Hillary! (imgflip.com)

By now, I am sure you’ve heard that in yesterday’s New Hampshire primaries, it wasn’t Democratic favorite and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who kicked serious ass. It was the independent senator from Vermont and self-proclaimed democratic socialist Bernie Sanders who took home the victory by a margin of more than 20%.

In other words, it was Hillary’s ass that got kicked, but she wasn’t alone. A host of Republican candidates met similar fates as real estate mogul Donald Trump garnered 35% of the GOP votes, followed by John Kasich (16%) and Texas whack-a-doodle Ted Cruz (12%).

Other GOP hopefuls effectively had some wind taken out of their sails, the most notable of which was the repetitious and robotic Marco Rubio, who along with Jeb Bush pulled in only 11% of the Republican votes. Candidates Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson never even managed to break the 10% mark.

What does all this mean? Your guess is as good as mine since we all know politics is little more than media-fueled horse shit. However, it does indicate one very important point: people are tired of supporting establishment candidates who never seem to accomplish anything in Washington. Clearly, it is time for a change.

And don’t be surprised if we all feel the Bern soon!

D is for Denver

Von Miller strips the ball from Cam on the way to a defensive score (NFL/CBS News)

Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos!

In a tough defensive battle against the NFC Champion Carolina Panthers—the favorite to win thanks to their dynamic quarterback, Cam Newton—the Broncos held the NFC South powerhouse to 10 points and eventually took home a 24-10 victory.

Although the Panthers limited Peyton Manning’s team to only one offensive touchdown—a one-yard C.J. Anderson run late in the fourth quarter—it was a key, Von Miller forced fumble and defensive touchdown in the first quarter that more-or-less sealed the Panthers’ fate. Granted, they were able to punch in their own Jonathan Stewart TD—and to score a Graham Gano field goal—but sadly, that was all the offense that NFL MVP Newton and his crew could muster… and it simply wasn’t enough.

The Sheriff came to town and took home the win (Pinterest)

The Super Bowl win was the second for future Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning—tying him for bragging rights with his brother, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning—and this could well signal the end of his NFL career as many feel Manning will retire—especially since he would be going out on top.

Yes, the Sheriff may ride off into the sunset—not on a horse, but on the back of the best defense in the NFL. Way to go, Broncos!