Silent, Not Deadly

The golden age of flatulence is upon us! (Plaintips.com/Shreddies)

Do you suffer from uncontrollable and embarrassing flatulence? Have you ever wished for clothing designed to filter or conceal the foul odor associated with excessive farting?

Well, wish no more, my gassy friends. Help has finally arrived.

Shreddies, the British company that introduced the world to fart-filtering underwear, has just announced the arrival of pajamas and jeans designed to keep your ass stench in check.

“You can wear your Shreddies Jeans and Pyjamas with your regular underwear, team them with a pair of Shreddies pants for double protection, or if you’re feeling brave, why not skip the underwear completely!? You’ll never have to worry about those moments again,” according to a press release on the company’s website.

Using the same Filtrex system as its fart-free underwear, the new Shreddies jeans and pajamas should make flatulence fun again. Now you can unleash your silent-but-deadly emissions without fear of discovery or ridicule.

Unfortunately, though, Shreddies only muffle smells, not sounds. So it’s probably still a good idea to find a private place to unload. Better safe than sorry, after all.

The Male Condition

EM can strike at any time without warning (Twitter/Awkward Boners)

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.

Uncaged

Now sharks won’t have the last laugh… the rest of us will! (Shannon Broskie/Twitter)

Leave it to North Carolina to garner headlines even more ridiculous than the ones focusing on our inept state government and voter identification laws.

The latest embarrassment comes from Kill Devil Hills on the coast, where two visitors from Virginia decided to vacation despite a slew of shark attacks this summer. Fortunately, they thought ahead and brought something to protect them from Jaws and his mates: individual shark cages.

And yes, these “inventors” actually tried to walk into the water with them—at least until a lifeguard asked them to return to shore.

The “shark proof cage inventions” were made from PVC pipe and would likely do very little to stave off sharks. But you have to admit they look good, right?

Trump Unplugged

Help put Donald Trump in his place! (Fernando Sosa)

When it comes to merchandising, it is extremely rare for a product to perfectly represent the celebrity or famous figure for which it was designed. Thanks to a 31-year-old Florida artist named Fernando Sosa, however, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump finally has a product worthy of his name.

It’s a butt plug… and one “The Donald” can truly be proud of.

“I wanted to do something insulting,” Sosa told The Huffington Post recently. “I like the mental picture of his face going into people’s asses.”

Sosa used a 3D printer to create the butt plug shortly after Trump labeled Mexican immigrants as rapists and drug addicts. You see, he was born in Mexico and did not take kindly to Trump’s remarks.

Trump could not be reached for comment, of course, but I seriously doubt that we’ve heard “the end” of this… unless Trump engineers some sort of “come from behind” victory next year!

Trumped Again!

Here’s hoping this card never gets played (Joe Nickell/Center for Inquiry)

According to a recent Suffolk University/USA Today survey, the leading Republican candidate for president of the United States is none other than Donald Trump.

Yes, the same guy who claims most Mexican immigrants are rapists and has been unable to secure a decent haircut his entire life.

The nationwide poll showed Trump having 17% support, with Jeb Bush at 14%, Scott Walker at 8% and Ted Cruz at 6%.

To make matters worse, Gallup issued a different poll on Tuesday that indicated 41% of Republicans consider Trump to be a “serious candidate” for the next Commander-in-Chief.

This does not bode well for America…

Judge Not

DePiazza seems to think his own views trump everyone else’s (Twitter)

Despite the Supreme Court legalizing same-sex marriage recently—and finally granting marriage equality for all—there are still some hardcore detractors out there who refuse to abide by the ruling. In some cases, clerks and judges are even refusing to issue marriage licenses or to marry same-sex couples.

Judge James R. DePiazza of Texas isn’t one of them, but he is doing something rather unprecedented.

DePiazza has decided to allow same-sex couples to marry, but first asks them to sign an agreement acknowledging his own views on the matter. Here’s a brief excerpt:

“Judge DePiazza prefers to NOT conduct same-sex ceremonies, but will not decline anyone who chooses to schedule with him.”

Additionally, the agreement asks that couples not mention same-sex weddings to him “before, during or after the ceremony.” If they do, then the service will cease and the couple will receive a refund.

And pictures of the ceremony can only be taken once DePiazza leaves the courtroom.

I’m sorry, but this is indicative of the hypocrisy that exists in politics, religion and almost every aspect of American society. DePiazza wants people to acknowledge his views? How about acknowledging theirs?

Oh wait. I forgot that homosexuals are inferior to the rest of us. Only heterosexuals were truly created in God’s image. Curse everyone else.

What a crock…

Hail to the Chief

The feline that stands for freedom (Limberbutt 2016/Facebook)

As if there weren’t enough candidates for the 2016 presidential election already—especially on the GOP side—it now appears that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has joined the fray.

Think of him as a Republican like Donald Trump, only with better hair.

The Democrats’ side is less populous—with Hillary Clinton the favorite and Bernie Sanders the so-called “dark horse”—but now another contender has entered the race… one who undoubtedly has these other hopefuls quite worried.

His name is Limberbutt McCubbins and he has filed his paperwork with the Federal Election Committee. Only this Democratic candidate isn’t a person; he’s a 5-year-old rescue kitty registered as a “Demo-cat.” And he needs your vote.

Sure, McCubbins may lack political experience—and still needs humans to both feed him and clean his litterbox—but he also has the needs of hardworking Americans (and their pets) in mind. His slogan is “together, we cat” and—if elected—his first orders of business will be to protect the environment and to legalize catnip.

Finally, a candidate we can believe in!

“Lude” Behavior

“Want some pudding? Maybe some heavy petting?” (Getty Images)

Since 2002, comedian Bill Cosby has been dealing with allegations that he drugged and raped women. But after fellow comedian Hannibal Buress joked about the rape charges during a 2014 show in Philadelphia, the shit really hit the fan. Now the Jello pudding pop pusher faces allegations from three dozen women dating back four decades.

In nearly every case, Cosby’s alleged victims claim they were drugged, normally after something was placed in their drinks or given to them under the pretense of being “herbal supplements” or some such garbage.

Of course, Cosby and his lawyers have disputed the charges, refused to respond to them or simply labeled them as false and outrageous. Unfortunately, though, new information just came to light that could prove to be the final nail in this once beloved actor’s coffin.

On Monday, the Associated Press obtained documents from a 2005 sex abuse case filed by Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee who claimed Cosby drugged, fondled and “digitally penetrated” her at his Pennsylvania home. And what they discovered was pretty damning.

Cosby’s weapon of choice (Recovery.com)

In his sworn testimony, Cosby admitted to obtaining Quaalude prescriptions in the 1970s and giving them to women he wanted to have sex with, as well as others (whatever the hell that means). When asked if he did so without the women’s knowledge, however, Cosby’s lawyers prevented him from answering. The damage, however, had already been done.

What does this mean for the 36 women who have publicly accused Cosby of inappropriate sexual behavior? Perhaps nothing since the statute of limitations on these crimes has passed. Nothing except validation, that is.

And for Cosby, this likely proves that no matter how beloved and respected you are, no one truly knows the darkness that lies within. What a shame.

World Champs!

The U.S. women will bring the World Cup trophy stateside! (Dennis Grombkowski/Getty Images)

Congratulations to the U.S. Women’s National Team!

Thanks to a strong offensive attack—including a hat trick of goals from Carli Lloyd, the first ever to achieve this feat in the FIFA Women’s World Cup—the USA defeated defending champion Japan 5-2 to bring home the trophy.

It’s their first national title since 1999 and their third overall.

“Pure elation” is how head coach Jill Ellis described the victory. “I’m just so, so proud of this team. I’m so happy for them, so happy for every little girl who dreams about this.”

In the highest scoring final in Women’s World Cup history, the U.S. struck early and often, with the first goal coming in the third minute—the fastest ever scored in this competition.

By the 16th minute, the U.S. led 4-0 and never looked back. And now they are the undisputed world champions.

Way to go, USA!

Trumped

If this happens, then we are truly screwed (Salon.com)

Believe it or not, but there are currently 18 candidates hoping to be nominated for the 2016 presidential election—and one of them is none other than Donald Trump, the real estate mogul with perhaps the worst hair in American history.

Carrot Top has him beat, but that’s a story for another day.

Earlier this month, Trump announced he would be running for the Republican nomination and decided to punctuate his speech with these derogatory remarks concerning immigration:

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you,” he said. “They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Yep. This GOP candidate actually referred to Mexican immigrants as rapists, but he didn’t stop there—despite both NBC and Univision cutting ties with him. Trump recently called in to Don Lemon’s CNN show The Situation Room to further explain his remarks… and to make himself look like even more of an idiot.

The guy can’t even manage his hair, much less a whole country! (Pinterest)

“Well if you look at the statistics of people coming, you look at the statistics on rape, on crime, on everything coming in illegally into this country it’s mind-boggling!”

Lemon explained that 80% of females coming from Central America are victims of rape while traveling to the United States—in an effort to educate the hair-challenged land magnate—but Trump couldn’t leave well enough alone and dug an even deeper hole for himself.

“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

And this jackass wants to be president? Yeah, right. He’s got about as much of a chance as Chris Christie, which certainly isn’t saying much.

Too bad there isn’t someone who can toss Trump out of the race with his signature phrase, “You’re fired!” It would save the media—not to mention the general public—a whole lot of time and energy.