Jackass of the Day VIII

And he didn’t even wear a disguise! (Lodi Police Department)

Despite having tens or even hundreds of candidates for the latest Jackass of the Day Award, today’s honor belongs to a man recently arrested for robbing a bank in Lodi, New Jersey.

Apparently, this fedora-wearing criminal entered the Hudson City Savings Bank on Monday, slapped a BB-gun on the counter and demanded money from the teller, who gave him $4000 before he fled.

A short time later, police noticed a man fitting the robber’s description. He was standing outside a Dunkin’ Donuts sipping coffee… and he was only a block away from the bank he just robbed!

The robber-in-question is 38-year-old Michael Cassano. And I can think of no one more deserving of this special recognition.

Congratulations, Mike! You are the Jackass of the Day!

Sexed-Up Superheroes

The fine people at Web Hosting Buzz just released an infographic that I would be remiss not to share. It shows the “love connections” among Marvel’s superheroes.

In other words, it identifies Marvel’s loose ladies and super-pimps… sort of. Enjoy!

Who hooked up with who in the Marvel Universe? (Web Hosting Buzz/Sploid)

 

Crime, Crime, Baby

“Stop… incarcerate and listen!” (NBC News)

For awhile there, it seemed as if the career of former rapper Vanilla Ice (a.k.a. Robert Van Winkle) had turned a corner. I mean, he hosts a do-it-yourself show called The Vanilla Ice Project, for goodness sake, something for which he actually has talent.

Sadly, it seems as if his career may be headed for the trash heap yet again.

Last Wednesday, the 47-year-old artist behind the short-lived hit “Ice Ice Baby” was arrested and charged with burglary and grand theft of a home next to one he was renovating. He was just released on bond and claims it was all some kind of misunderstanding, but I see it more as a cautionary tale of fame gone bad.

Word to your mother!

Snowed!

Yay! We have the milk and bread needed to survive the snow! (Bits and Pieces)

It’s almost time for snowy hell to break loose!

According to the most recent weather reports for my area—eastern North Carolina—a snow storm is bearing down on us and should strike sometime this afternoon. And you know what that means, right?

Get your ass to the grocery store for milk and bread quickly! Supplies are likely already running out!

Of course, I never understood why milk and bread were in such high demand when bad weather approached. Personally, I don’t go out of my way to ingest either of them with great frequency, which means I would likely turn to other foods in an emergency. Yet they both disappear from store shelves so fast that it makes me wonder: Are there other uses for milk and bread of which I am largely unaware?

Any insight you can provide in the comments section would be greatly appreciated, dear readers. Until then, however, please know that any lapse in blog posts from Gnostic Bent is likely indicative of my own efforts to survive the great snow storm to come. Wish me luck!

Avoid the Rush

That mouth of his never seems to close! (Salon.com)

When The Daily Show host Jon Stewart announced recently that he would be leaving the Comedy Central show after more than 15 years on the air, fans everywhere were shocked and saddened by the news.

Conservative radio show host and “whack job” Rush Limbaugh, on the other hand, couldn’t have been happier at the announcement.

“For 16 years Jon Stewart has blamed everything gone wrong on the Republicans,” the rotund political pundit said Wednesday. “Jon Stewart has helped polarize the country by poisoning the Republican brand.”

Yeah. It was Jon Stewart who ruined the good name of the GOP. And if you sense sarcasm in what I just wrote, it’s because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

I suppose ruining the good name of Republicans everywhere could have nothing to do with the following:

• Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s claim earlier this year that economic improvements appeared “to coincide with the biggest political change of the Obama administration’s long tenure in Washington: the expectation of a new Republican Congress.” It didn’t matter that these changes started to occur before Republicans seized control of the House and Senate, during a time when the GOP largely opposed anything Obama or even Democrats supported.
• Sarah Palin being a total nut.
• Montana State Representative David Moore (R) introducing a bill to ban yoga pants under pre-existing indecent exposure laws because they “give the appearance or simulate” someone’s buttocks and pelvic region.
• West Virginia Delegate Saira Blair (R) claiming that proposed legislation to ban abortions after twenty weeks has nothing to do with a woman’s body: “It’s about the child she is carrying.” Or that another delegate in the same state, Lynne Arvon (R), responded “I don’t care” when asked if enacting such legislation would be unconstitutional.
• Tennessee State Representative Jerry Sexton (R) pushing forth several bills to make the Bible the official state book because it “provides a good role model on how to treat people” and inspires “love and compassion.” Not towards gays or non-Christians, though. Let’s not get carried away.

You might want to work on things like this before you start accusing non-Republicans of ruining your party’s brand, Rush. It seems as if the GOP is doing a pretty good job of that on its own.

Special K

Get off the stage, Kanye! (AP)

Calling Kanye West special is an understatement, to be sure. Constantly inviting him to music awards shows so he can wreak havoc? Now that’s just crazy.

In his latest spectacle—this time during last night’s 2015 Grammy Awards broadcast—West nearly repeated his 2009 MTV Video Music Awards performance, when he stormed on-stage and cut off Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech for Best Female Video. West felt the award should have been given to Beyoncé and made sure the whole world knew it.

Unfortunately, it looked as if West was going to do the same thing when Beck won Album of the Year over Beyoncé last night. He stepped onto the stage, then suddenly turned around and returned to his seat. Most viewers thought it was a joke, but interviews with West after the show proved otherwise.

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us,” West told Vanity Fair later. “We ain’t going to play with them no more. ‘Flawless,’ Beyoncé’s video. And Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should have given his award to Beyoncé.”

Kanye pulling the same bullshit with Taylor Swift at the VMAs (Getty Images)

I’m sorry, but is Kanye West in love with Beyoncé or something? It seems like something is going on.

The good news is that Beck didn’t take offense to West’s outburst. When asked later about the near intrusion, he said, “You can’t please everybody, man. I still love him and think he’s a genius. I aspire to do what he does.” What a good sport.

Of course, West should probably do a little research before trying to steer another Grammy towards Beyoncé and away from other performers. To date, Beyoncé has collected twenty Grammy awards; Beck has only five, despite his career stretching back to the early 1990s.

In other words, Kanye should probably focus more energy on keeping his wife’s frumpy, amorphous booty off tabloid magazine covers than questioning a system that provided him with more than twenty Grammy awards himself! Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, punk!

Album Covers from Hell!

This gallery contains 24 photos.

Pee Pee, Poo Poo Hands

Washing hands after number two? Optional! (Getty Images)

This Republican Senator Is Fighting For Your Freedom Not To Wash Your Hands In The Bathroom.

Ah, there’s nothing like living in North Carolina and dealing with whacked-out Republicans like Governor Pat McCrory and, more recently, freshman Senator Thom Tillis.

During a presentation at the Bipartisan Policy Center this past Monday, Tillis questioned whether food workers really needed to wash their hands after using the bathroom… or if businesses should be able to “opt out” of this process.

Shake at your own risk! (Charlotte Observer)

“Let an industry or business opt out as long as they indicate through proper disclosure, through advertising, through employment, literature, whatever else,” he said publicly. “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign.”

Of course, Tillis denied saying this when asked about it later, but that’s nothing new for members of the GOP.

Double fecal latte, anyone?

Staples Buys Office Depot

For all your paper needs (Chicago Tribune)

Staples Buys Office Depot For $6 Billion.

In yet another huge merger—this one worth a cool $6 billion—office supply chain Staples just acquired their rival Office Depot.

In other words, Staples just paid billions of dollars to enable them to sell more… well, staples.

Seems like money well spent, don’t you think?

Most Watched

Sorry, Seattle. Better luck (and play calling) next year (AP)

As hard as it is to believe—given all the scandal and hype leading up to the underwhelming Super Bowl XLIX—the “Big Game” broke U.S. television history by becoming the most watched show of all time.

Apparently, New England’s 28-24 victory over the Seattle Seahawks brought in more than 114 million viewers and became the highest-rated Super Bowl in the last 30 seasons… despite having the worst ending and the dumbest play call in SB history.

So congratulations to Tom Brady and the Patriots for chalking up another Super Bowl victory, the fourth of Brady’s career. Granted, he and his cohorts may have deflated some footballs to get there, but ultimately they won because Seattle decided against winning by throwing the ball on 2^nd and goal.

I still can’t believe it…