Cruz Gets Trumped

Cruz praised from up on high (@TheGoodGodAbove/Twitter)

At long last, it finally happened: Ted Cruz has been defeated and will not be the GOP nominee for president. A resounding victory for Donald Trump in Indiana yesterday served as the final nail in Cruz’s coffin—and here’s hoping we never have to deal with this jackass from Texas again.

If you think “jackass” is too strong a word, consider this VIDEO in which Ted Cruz auditions for voice work on the popular animated television show The Simpsons. The word it immediately brings to my mind is “creepy,” but you be the judge.

Of course, Cruz’s departure from the GOP race also means that Trump is the presumptive nominee, which is pretty scary in and of itself. Even scarier is the fact that the anti-Trump movement spent more than $75 million to prevent this from happening, only to see their worst fears become reality.

$75 million spent primarily on political television ads? What a waste. That money could have come in very handy in feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless or doing good work for the multitude of people struggling in this country. Man, we sure have some messed up priorities.

Fortunately, there is still hope for those hoping to block Trump’s nomination—and his name is Ohio Governor John Kasich.

I’m kidding, of course. Kasich has no chance and there really is no hope for the GOP. A Clinton-Trump race for the White House seems inevitable at this point. And honestly, we may all be screwed in the long run.

Toys for Ted

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

A few weeks ago, the Internet went crazy when it was discovered that Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz—while serving as solicitor general of Texas in 2007—supported a state law to criminalize the sale of sex toys.

In a brief issued from his office at the time, Cruz and his cohorts explained how people should not have the legal right to masturbate: “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

This brief included a statement that banned any device “useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Funny how there was no mention of non-human genitals, but that’s beside the point.

Fortunately, it was a big misunderstanding and Cruz recently told WABC that he will not attempt to ban sex toys if he becomes president—something which I and countless others hope never happens anyway.

For now, at least, this means that he and Trump aren’t the only dildos available. And for those of you interested in some high-tech self-pleasure, check out this video for the Dildo Drone. It’s fictional, for now, but there simply must be a market for it somewhere.

Of course, abstinence is always a good decision, too—especially when you consider the latest Cruz development. Someone watching an episode of the Maury Povitch show discovered Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old Cruz doppelgänger from Natchez, Mississippi. And if this image doesn’t immediately rob you of all sexual inclination, I don’t know what will:

Are you sure that isn’t just Ted in drag trying to access a woman’s restroom? (Maury Povitch/Getty)

Enough said.

Best Arrest Photo Ever

America’s next top model perhaps? (Fresno County Sheriffs Office)

Last Wednesday evening, Robert Lopez of Kingsburg, California was arrested after neighbors reported him watering his lawn in the nude.

When Fresno County Deputies arrived on the scene, they found Lopez drinking beer in the buff and asked him to put some clothes on, which he refused to do, of course.

At this point, Lopez started to hurl profanity at the officers—along with a beer bottle, which shattered on a nearby fence—and then threatened to grab his gun and shoot the deputies. He rushed into his home and resurfaced moments later wearing shorts. Instead of a gun, however, Lopez was carrying an 8-inch knife.

Fortunately, the officers were able to wrestle the knife away from Lopez and shot a bean bag round at his stomach, which immediately sent him to the ground. They put the cuffs on and before dragging him away, took his picture.

And a more bizarre arrest photo, you will not find. I assure you.

What would Jesus do?

Earlier this week, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a bill that some have described as “the most intense anti-queer legislation” ever to pass in America.

Reuters described it like this: “The far-reaching law allows people with religious objections to deny wedding services to same-sex couples. It also clears the way for employers to cite religion in determining workplace policies on dress code, grooming and bathroom and locker access.”

And like North Carolina’s recent anti-LGBT law, this one is total bullshit, as well.

Fortunately, a non-profit organization named Planting Peace responded by purchasing billboard space and posting one of the best religiously-themed billboards I have ever seen. Check it out:

And that’s how it’s done! (Planting Peace)

That’s right, haters! Jesus was about love and understanding, not hate and discrimination—and even an agnostic like me knows this! Time to tighten up on your theology!

Rice Crisp Pee Treats

Don’t eat yellow snow or brown Rice Krispies treats! (Chocolate Covered Katie)

Last week, a video surfaced on Worldstarhiphop.com that showed an incident from a Kellogg’s cereal production plant in Memphis, Tennessee—a very disturbing video.

The video was taken during a labor dispute at the factory several years ago. It showed one of the disgruntled employees on the production line adding a special ingredient to the mix: his urine.

Kellogg’s, of course, released a statement earlier this week: “It is important to note that any products that could be potentially impacted would be very limited and past their expiration dates. These potentially impacted products include Rice Krispies Treats, granola clusters used in a couple of products, and a few other puffed rice treats that we no longer make.”

Although the man in the video has yet to be identified—or punished for peeing in the puffed rice—an investigation is ongoing. Of course, the tainted cereal was never recalled, which means it was likely consumed by unaware cereal lovers.

It could be worse, though. Had this employee been even more upset, then the slogan for Rice Krispies could have been changed to “snap, crackle, poop”!

Justice for Erin

Way to go, Erin! (E Online)

Privacy is something most of us take for granted in today’s digital age of smartphones and social media. We simply assume the things we say or do could be broadcast around the world at the push of a button—and many of us do whatever is necessary to prevent this from happening.

Others love this kind of attention and document every mundane activity from their lives on websites like Facebook and Instagram. I mean, why else would people share images of the dinner they’re preparing to eat or post endless, narcissistic “selfies” of themselves making duck lips?

Unfortunately, there is a dark side to the Internet and our digital loss of privacy—a dark side that sportscaster Erin Andrews knows all too well.

In 2008, a video surfaced online of Andrews in a Nashville Marriott at Vanderbilt University—a nude video. She didn’t film and post it herself, though. A peeping Tom named Michael Barrett did. And the entire video was shot through the keyhole in her hotel room door without her knowledge.

As you might imagine, any video of a beautiful, naked woman garners seemingly endless attention online. And when the woman is as well-known as Andrews, it grabs even more attention. What’s worse is that removing the video once it hits the web does nothing. It exists eternally in cyberspace and, in the case of this video, has been viewed more than 17 million times.

Erin in court (US Magazine)

The good news is that Andrews took action and sued those responsible not only for the video, but for allowing it to be recorded at all. Barrett, the hotel owner and the hotel operator were all deemed responsible. And yesterday, a jury ruled in Andrews’ favor, awarding her a judgment of $55 million.

Andrews took to Twitter shortly thereafter to express her gratitude over the ruling: “I would like to thank the Nashville court, the court personnel and the jury for their service. The support I’ve received from the people of Nashville has been overwhelming. I would also like thank my family, friends and legal team. I’ve been honored by all the support victims around the world. Their outreach has helped me be able to stand up and hold accountable those whose job it is to protect everyone’s safety, security and privacy.”

Personally, I could not be happier for Erin and commend her on being so brave. And I sincerely hope that her life can return to normal now that those responsible have been punished.

Congratulations, sister! I’m proud of you!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Have you seen this man? (Mount Healthy PD)

Police in the Midwest are on the lookout for a serial thief who has been stealing obscene amounts of the hair growth drug Rogaine—as well as the memory supplement Prevagen—from drug stores in the region.

And yes, the suspect is bald.

Mr. Clean’s most recent theft involved nearly $900 of the hair regrowth treatment from a Walgreen’s in Mount Healthy, Ohio. However, he has been linked to additional thefts in other Ohio cities—like Cleveland and Cincinnati—as well as Kentucky.

“We’re scratching our heads on this,” Mount Healthy PD Detective Chris Jones said recently. “No pun intended, I guess.”

Authorities don’t believe the bald burglar is using the Rogaine himself—judging from his still shiny and hairless scalp—but think he may be reselling it online or at flea markets.

The search continues, for now, but there is one thing this guy could do to prevent his arrest: start using the product himself. After all, no one’s looking for a hairy suspect—at least not until he starts stealing hair care products, that is!

Cookies!

Cookie Monster would be so proud! (Jim Henson/Buehler Moving Companies)

Any salesperson worth their salt understands that the first step towards high sales and even higher profits is location, location, location.

And apparently, the Girl Scouts know this, too.

One little girl in Oregon decided to maximize her profits by selling Girl Scout cookies outside the one place guaranteed to drive her business upwards: a marijuana dispensary.

Accompanied by her aunt, she set up shop outside Portland’s Foster Buds Marijuana Dispensary last weekend, intent on making enough money to fund horse camp over the summer. And needless to say, she easily surpassed her goal.

“The Girl Scouts organization said they don’t condone this, but it’s not against the rules,” her aunt told KATU-TV.

The dispensary even got in on the action by offering cookie buyers a discount on a “Girl Scout Cookies” strain of pot they sell. Of course, the Girl Scouts of the USA aren’t very happy about the trademark infringement, but this is nothing new for marijuana dispensaries, some of which market a “Thin Mints” strain of weed, as well.

Kudos to this young lady for her shrewd marketing skills, though!

Kick Carson to the Curb!

I could not have said it better myself (Danny Zuker/Occupy Democrats)

Famed neurosurgeon? Perhaps. Qualified presidential candidate? Hell no!

It boggles the mind to think that the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary narrowed the GOP field of presidential candidates—forcing people like Chris Christie, Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina from the race—yet Dr. Ben Carson remains, even though his fledgling campaign seems doomed to collapse eventually.

I mean, here’s a guy who left Iowa to return home for fresh clothes, for goodness sake. And then watched as Ted Cruz used his departure to claim Carson was leaving the race completely—effectively stealing the Iowa caucus in the process!

What has me so fired up against Carson, you ask? Fine. I’ll tell you.

In an interview yesterday with Breitbart News—when asked if Muslims who adhere to Sharia law could also participate in American democracy—Carson had this to say: “Only if they’re schizophrenic. I don’t see how they can do it otherwise, because they have two different philosophies boring at [them]. That would be very difficult.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t America founded on the ideas of religious freedom and tolerance? Or is it simply a Christian-only country?

Let’s see what the illustrious Dr. Ben Carson has to say about this, shall we? Here’s a quote from one of his speeches in Iowa earlier this month—and incidentally, he chose to use schizophrenia in a derogatory fashion in this quip, as well:

“Every coin in our pocket, every bill in our wallet, says ‘In God We Trust.’ If it’s in our founding documents, it’s in our pledge, in our courts, and it’s on our money, but we’re not supposed to talk about it, what in the world is that? In medicine, we call it ‘schizophrenia.’ And doesn’t that explain a lot of what’s going on in our nation?”

Although he was addressing the separation of church and state at the time, I find Dr. Carson’s remarks quite telling. Is he really implying that the “God” addressed on American currency only means the Christian God? Could it not also mean Allah or some other God-like figure from a religion other than Christianity?

I’m sorry, but people who believe only their God is the correct one—and everyone else be damned, so to speak—really bother me… especially when they want to become the next leader of the free world!

If you really want to help the USA move forward and return to greatness, do us all a favor, Dr. Carson. Suspend your presidential campaign so we can start to focus more on the important issues and less on the freak show that the GOP race to the White House has become. I’m begging you.

Hillary Got Bern-ed!

Get out your sunblock, Hillary! (imgflip.com)

By now, I am sure you’ve heard that in yesterday’s New Hampshire primaries, it wasn’t Democratic favorite and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who kicked serious ass. It was the independent senator from Vermont and self-proclaimed democratic socialist Bernie Sanders who took home the victory by a margin of more than 20%.

In other words, it was Hillary’s ass that got kicked, but she wasn’t alone. A host of Republican candidates met similar fates as real estate mogul Donald Trump garnered 35% of the GOP votes, followed by John Kasich (16%) and Texas whack-a-doodle Ted Cruz (12%).

Other GOP hopefuls effectively had some wind taken out of their sails, the most notable of which was the repetitious and robotic Marco Rubio, who along with Jeb Bush pulled in only 11% of the Republican votes. Candidates Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson never even managed to break the 10% mark.

What does all this mean? Your guess is as good as mine since we all know politics is little more than media-fueled horse shit. However, it does indicate one very important point: people are tired of supporting establishment candidates who never seem to accomplish anything in Washington. Clearly, it is time for a change.

And don’t be surprised if we all feel the Bern soon!