Animals in Danger

Be nice to our animal friends, would you? (Change.org)

When I read daily news stories, I always expect to learn about humans being cruel and downright evil to other humans. It’s sad that these stories don’t shock me anymore, but what can you do? Evil people are all around us and the media loves to showcase them at every turn.

Unfortunately, there are some people who decide not to limit their cruelty to other Homo sapiens, but instead “turn their sights” on animals. And while I may be rather desensitized to stories of human-on-human cruelty, reading about the mistreatment or killing of animals always leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

And believe me, today my mouth tastes very, very bad—and here are a few reasons why.

EDGEWOOD, NEW MEXICO: According to the old adage, dogs are man’s best friends. Too bad nobody bothered to mention this to Salvador Martinez, who was just released on bond for extreme cruelty to animals. Apparently, Martinez was hungry and decided to do something that for whatever reason isn’t illegal in New Mexico: he killed the family dog Onyx, skinned and cleaned the animal, and started to marinate dog parts in Italian dressing in his girlfriend’s freezer. I guess when he told her he planned to “barbeque one of [her] dogs,” she should have believed him, huh?

I would go back in that shell if I were you (The Creature Hub)

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA: If you ask me, one of the most harmless and patient animals on the planet are turtles—not the snapping variety, but your everyday, run-of-the-mill tortoises. Yet this didn’t stop two teenaged girls in Florida from targeting a gopher tortoise for extermination earlier this month. 18-year-old Jennifer Greene and a 15-year-old friend caught the turtle, set it on fire, slammed it to the ground and then stomped it to death. What’s worse is that they videotaped the attack and posted it on Facebook—and that’s all wildlife officials needed to charge them with felony cruelty to animals last Friday… freaks.

STONINGTON, CONNECTICUT: This has been a terrible month for turtles, not just in Florida but also in the great state of Connecticut. This time the tortoise killer was 31-year-old Steven Richard, who got into an argument with his girlfriend and decided to take it out on her pet. Using a BB gun, he walked into the front yard with the turtle, placed the muzzle to its head and assassinated it gangster-style while his girlfriend watched. Fortunately, he was arrested soon after and will also face animal cruelty charges. Poor turtle.

Oliver loves guns and sex with animals (Facebook)

SUFFOLK, ENGLAND: Our last story comes from “across the pond” and involves 28-year-old Oliver Lown, a veterinarian who pleaded guilty to criminal charges in 2012 and was recently banned from the profession by the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons. Apparently, some videos from 2009 surfaced that showed Lown having sex with a dog in “a house setting” and a horse in “a stable setting.” Of course, the last word anyone would use to describe this weirdo is stable, but he did give me a great, money-making idea.

Is it me or does there seem to be a market for inflatable sex dolls made to look like animals? Prepare yourself, Kickstarter, because I’m heading your way!

The Last Day

Grim will visit us all soon enough! (FreeVector)

Death is something I read about every day—given how dark and depressing most news stories are—but in general, I try not to ponder my own inevitable demise. Granted, this is something I was preoccupied with in my youth, but as I grew older, I decided life was too short to worry about dying. Death is inescapable and spending too much time dwelling on it can distract from what little life we all have left. Focusing on the days ahead rather than the end of those days is preferable, after all.

Then I started watching documentaries on Netflix and came across a Dave McRae series entitled Final 24, which chronicles the final day in the lives of famous people, all of whom died under mysterious circumstances. And now, much to my chagrin, I find myself thinking about death yet again.

Punk bassist Sid Vicious (Fanpop)

The first episode focused on Sid Vicious, the bassist for the punk band The Sex Pistols who died of a heroin overdose in 1979. After being arrested for the murder of his girlfriend, Nancy Spungen—a murder he could not remember perpetrating—Vicious went on a drug-fueled bender, sponsored in large part by his own mother. In fact, some believe his mother gave him a fatal overdose on purpose, to spare him from another traumatizing stint in prison. Whatever the case may be, Vicious’ final 24 hours were dark and depressing—as they likely are for most just before they die.

Episode two turned a lens on one of the greatest comedic performers of all time, the great John Belushi. Like Sid Vicious, Belushi spent his final day of life blitzed out of his mind on drugs, including cocaine, marijuana and—go figure—heroin, a drug he had just begun using during his final trip to New York City. Unfortunately, he didn’t just shoot up heroin; he injected speedballs, deadly combinations of heroin and cocaine. As you might imagine, things didn’t go well for Belushi and he overdosed on the concoction, which ultimately caused his death and put an end to one of the most promising careers in entertainment history.

Deceased comic genius John Belushi (Getty Images)

The remainder of the Final 24 series includes stories about other famous people and their tragic deaths: Marvin Gaye, John F. Kennedy, River Phoenix and Hunter S. Thompson. I plan to watch them all, of course, but I am trying hard not to dwell on my own impending death. I say “impending” because it could be today, next week or even fifty years from now. You just never know.

Of course, I hope that when my number is finally up, death comes in the most peaceful and painless way possible. Isn’t that something we all wish for? I mean, the last thing I want is to die while doing something embarrassing—not to me, necessarily, but to my friends and family members. One such scenario might involve masturbation—having a heart attack while stroking off and being discovered in a compromising position. Nothing would be more embarrassing, especially if rigor mortis set in and my hand had to be pried off my junk with a crowbar or something.

We can’t all die in our sleep, after all!

Chopping Mad

Matsuo met an untimely death (Huffington Post)

A 16-year-old Japanese girl in Sasebo, Nagasaki prefecture is in big trouble after allegedly murdering 15-year-old Aiwa Matsuo last Saturday evening.

Matsuo had gone to meet some friends, but never returned and was reported missing by her family. Unfortunately, she was found a short time later, only her body was not intact. Her head and left hand had been severed.

Apparently, the suspect clubbed Matsuo over the head with a metal object, strangled her and then proceeded to dismember her body. The two girls attended the same school, but the principal was unaware of any problems they might have had with one another.

“I have no words to say now,” he said of the terrible tragedy. “I am overwhelmed by sadness, regret and various feelings.”

I can only assume some of his message was lost in translation. If not, then he has to be the vaguest principal on the face of the planet… but I digress.

To date, no one knows why the suspect chose to both kill and dismember her victim. Her mother passed away last year and friends have described her as being “very smart, with emotional ups and downs.” Of course, this still doesn’t explain why she would commit such a gruesome and heinous act.

I understand that a motive in this killing has yet to be revealed, but if the girls did have some kind of “beef” with one another, why is murder the best option in solving their problems? Don’t people just meet after school to brawl anymore?

The times they are a’changing, I suppose… and certainly not for the better.

Wonder-ful

Wonder Woman makes me feel like being a very bad boy (Warner Brothers)

At the recent Comic-Con convention in San Diego, California, Warner Brothers debuted footage from the upcoming film Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and, for the most part, its reception was quite good.

Yes, there are still people who doubt whether Ben Affleck can play the Dark Knight effectively, but there will always be naysayers.

Of course, one thing that might shut the naysayers up is Wonder Woman, who will be played by Gal Gadot in the 2016 film. Warner Brothers released an image of the Amazonian princess and one thing is for certain: she can tie me up with her invisible lariat anytime she likes! Hubba hubba…

Aliens in Hell!

Don’t waste your time praying since you’re hell-bound anyway (Tommy1de)

Given the fact that I’m agnostic and don’t subscribe to any religious doctrine—what some might call a heathen—I often find humor in the outrageous claims made by religious zealots the world over. And few entertain me more than Ken Ham, a creationist who also serves as president and CEO of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

Earlier this week, Ham turned his sights on extraterrestrials, who he obviously doesn’t believe exist. However, if they do exist, it doesn’t matter anyway. They are all going to hell.

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe,” the Amish-looking creationist wrote on his blog recently. “This means any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.”

Ham was reacting to a recent statement by NASA experts indicating that evidence of alien life could be discovered within the next 20 years. Too bad he didn’t think hard before posting this, though, because he could not be more wrong.

For one, if you assume that God created the universe, then you must also believe He created everything in it, which would include stars, planets, galaxies and yes, even aliens. Am I supposed to believe that out of all these different worlds—and all the potential life forms inhabiting them—only humans on this one planet can ascend to Heaven? Also, is it logical to assume that religions like Christianity exist only on Earth?

Ken Ham curses aliens, but should probably reconsider that beard instead (AP)

I’m sorry, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too, Mr. Ham.

Something else to consider is access. If aliens really do exist—and I personally find it close-minded and ridiculous to think life exists only on our planet—then how can they be damned if they don’t even have a copy of the Bible? Are they so unworthy of salvation that we curse them before we even meet them and introduce them to the concept of religion?

Here’s how Mr. Ham explained it: “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that we see the Father through the Son (and we see the Son through His Word). To suggest that aliens could respond to the gospel is just totally wrong.”

Again, how can you assume aliens are incapable of responding to the gospel if (a) we haven’t discovered alien life yet and (b) they have never even read the gospel? Mr. Ham’s assumptions, therefore, are completely nonsensical. I’m not sure this matters, though, since he got some publicity, which was likely his goal all along.

Of course, one thing we should all consider in light of these ridiculous claims is this: right now, there is more evidence to support the existence of aliens than there is to support the existence of Jesus.

I wonder how Mr. Ham would respond to this fact!

Techno-Sex

The “GoPro vibrator” is on sale now! (Svakom)

When you hear the term techno-sex, the first thought that likely comes to mind involves people having sex with robots. And while this probably isn’t too far into our collective future—and could actually be happening now, come to think of it—the good news is that there is plenty of other sex technology available now to perverts everywhere.

Last month, the makers of Fleshlight introduced an accessory to enhance their popular, handheld masturbation tool. It’s called the Launchpad, which is essentially just a special iPad case that allows users to connect their Fleshlights to their tablets. This means that while they watch porn—or even Skype with unsuspecting victims—men can pleasure themselves by effectively banging their Apple products.

I bet Steve Jobs never envisioned that happening, huh?

Steve could have gotten an iJob from the Launchpad (Esquire)

Not to be outdone, the Chinese-based company Svakom just introduced their own technologically sexual device, the Gaga. Basically, it’s a vibrator outfitted with a camera and a light so users can see inside whatever “holes” they choose to plug with it. In other words, it’s a personal vagina cam—or ass cam, depending on your preference.

Yes, for the low, low price of $180—which includes both the device itself and a handy USB cable—you can not only pleasure yourself or your partner, but also see what lies beneath—or inside, I suppose. And who doesn’t want to see inside their lover’s twat or rectum?

Why just the other day I was wondering how I might perform my own colonoscopy…

Beatles vs. Beetles

The Beetles start a new invasion (Samantha Nardelli)

In 2004, a pine tree was planted in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park to honor legendary Beatles guitarist and avid gardener George Harrison, who died in 2001. The sapling was planted near the Griffith Observatory with a plaque commemorating the famous musician.

Sadly, the plaque is all that remains thanks to an insect infestation… of beetles!

Yes, in an ironic turn of events, beetles actually killed the tree planted for a Beatle—a fact many feel would have been appreciated by the famous musician for whom it was planted.

“Except for the loss of tree life, Harrison likely would have been amused at the irony,” LA Times reporter Randy Lewis wrote recently. “He once said his biggest break in life was getting into the Beatles; his second biggest was getting out.”

The good news is that plans to replant the tree are underway—and it should last as long as “The Beetles” don’t stage a reunion anytime soon!

Row Naked

How could anyone find this offensive? (Warwick Rowing)

Since 2009, the University of Warwick men’s rowing team has produced a naked calendar to raise money for cancer research and support. And in 2013, the women’s rowing team decided to join them, only their experience wasn’t quite as positive.

For whatever reason, the team’s Facebook page started receiving complaints from prudes everywhere, but it never caused any serious problems—until last week, that is.

Because “some people” found the 2014 images of gorgeous, naked women doing rowing-type things offensive—and I have no idea who those people might be, aside from a bunch of buzz kills—Facebook deleted the team’s page last week. However, the page for the naked men’s rowing team was allowed to remain untouched, a fact that upset many female rowers, including calendar organizer Sophie Bell.

“Facebook has unpublished our page a few times since we created it, due to what it deemed ‘inappropriate images,’” Bell said recently.

Sorry, but this is what I imagine Heaven must look like (Warwick Rowing)

Fellow rower Frankie Salzano also could not understand the ban. “We have worked hard to create a tasteful and artistic calendar in which the girls’ bodies are strategically covered,” she told The Huffington Post. “The photographs we feel are an accurate representation of an athletic female body, something to be celebrated and not shunned, especially because there are Facebook pages that are degrading to the female form.”

I could not agree more, Frankie. And fortunately, Facebook finally came around and lifted the ban last Friday morning. Of course, all of this begs the question:

If Facebook gives my information to third-party vendors, experiments on me and other users without our permission, and then permits “man ass” over young, naked women, why the hell do I still have an account there?

The White Chocolate Wiener

Penis or horse head? You be the judge! (SWNS)

As Germany and Argentina were competing for the World Cup final, 31-year-old British lawyer Robin Jacobs was preparing to enjoy his favorite sweet treat, a Nestlé Milkybar. When he opened it, however, he noticed something rather shocking and disturbing: a penis engraved on its side!

“It was a little bit surprising,” he said of the unwelcome discovery. “What on earth is a penis doing on a kids’ chocolate bar? There’s no point in denying what it looks like. It is obvious—we can all see it.”

People see Jesus and the Virgin Mary in everyday foods and objects all the time, too, so why not a penis?

Of course, what Jacobs saw was not a phallus or even proof he had acquired a male candy bar. Here’s how a Nestlé spokesperson explained it in reaction to the unusual discovery:

The Milkybar Kid atop his penis… um, I mean horse (Nestle/Daily Mail UK)

“Nestlé is surprised and sorry to hear that Mr. Jacobs thought the picture on the Milkybar resembles male genitalia. It is in fact an image of a horse’s head, the Milkybar Kid’s horse.”

The Milkybar Kid is Nestlé’s mascot for the candy bar, a blonde child with glasses who normally dresses as a cowboy.

In spite of the truth, Jacobs still believes he saw a penis and will likely remember this experience for the rest of his life.

“I always have a way of remembering World Cups and now the 2014 World Cup will always be remembered as the ‘Milkybar penis’—it’s not a great way to remember it.”

True enough, but the real question is this: What did he do after discovering the chocolate penis?

“I still ate it,” Jacobs confessed. “But I was a little put off.”

Apparently not, my man, but next time consider a milk chocolate bar instead. I hear they’re much larger than the white ones!

Double Take: Duly Noted

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