The Ultimate Gross-Out

Could this be in our future? (GaleriDesain)

I’ve always taken great pride in having a strong stomach. Very little grosses me out and I always try new things regardless of how nasty they seem at the time.

Take blood sausage, for instance. On my one and only trip to Germany—many, many years ago—someone handed me a sandwich and, being the food daredevil, I immediately started eating it. Moments later, I was told that the meat inside was blood sausage, a revelation that made everyone around me cringe. Of course, it tasted good to me and since I was already eating it, I continued to do so. Hell, I even ate more blood sausage as my week-long vacation progressed.

Honestly, even the thought of disgusting food doesn’t shake me—at least it didn’t until recently, when I heard about some foods that even make me cringe with disgust.

The first isn’t so much a food as a preservative found in commercial breads. The amino acid L-cysteine is used to extend the shelf life of factory-made breads, which most of us likely consume on a weekly—if not daily—basis. However, did you know this amino acid is most commonly synthesized using human hair? Sure, cow horns, pig bristles and duck feathers can also be used, but human hair is at the top of the list. And oddly enough, most of the hair comes from the floors of hair salons and barber shops in China. No wonder Americans love Chinese food so much—sometimes we consume it without even knowing it!

Scrotal cheese: the perfect topping for your Triscuits (YouTube/Christina Agapakis)

Our second entry comes from Ireland where scientists at Trinity College are making cheese from… wait for it… human bacteria. Using samples from human toes, belly buttons, mouths and even armpits, these culinary cuckoos produce cheeses that supposedly smell like the body odors of their respective donors. No word yet on whether fumunda cheese will be next (i.e. cheese from under a man’s balls, for those unfamiliar with the term). I imagine it’s only a matter of time, though.

Entry number three comes to us from Japan, the home of some of the most unique—and nasty—foods in the world. Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from Okayama Laboratory in Tokyo, just found a way to extract protein from sewage (a.k.a. human feces), mix it with some other ingredients and produce artificial steak. To make matters worse, some people have even tested the “meat” and claim it tastes just like beef. Of course, I’ll never know since I limit my shit-eating to American fast food.

Taken separately, these three “foods” may not seem all that gross, but consider this: putting them together could make the most disgusting—and cannibalistic—cheeseburger in history.

Toe cheese shit-burger deluxe, anyone?

En-Raptured

The not-so-new look of crazy (Patheos)

It’s no secret that Republicans blame President Obama and his administration for all the ills of the world. They’ve been doing it for almost a decade, so why stop now?

The latest accusation comes from the former Republican congresswoman from Minnesota—and all-around whack-a-doodle—Michele Bachmann. In a radio interview with End Times last week, Bachmann re-emerged from the political shadows just long enough to remind us all of how completely insane she is. How, you ask?

By blaming Obama for the rapture, which she claims is coming even faster thanks to his policies on marriage equality and Iran’s nuclear program.

“We in our lifetimes potentially could see Jesus Christ returning to earth and the rapture of the church,” she said. “Any nation that accepts God and his principles is blessed, and those who push away are cursed. That’s what we’re seeing happen to the United States. We will suffer the consequences as a result.”

From Bachmann’s perspective, the United States is being punished by God for “embracing a pagan view” about gay marriage and abortion. She even believes that Obama’s goal in Iran is to ensure they develop nuclear weapons, thus increasing the odds of Armageddon coming sooner rather than later.

“If you look at the president’s rhetoric, and if you look at his actions, everything he has done has been to cut the legs out of Israel and lift up the agenda of radical Islam,” Bachmann continued. “We are literally watching, month by month, the speed move up to a level we’ve never seen before with these events.”

Of course, this comes from the same GOP wacko who claimed that carbon dioxide was harmless and believed abolishing the minimum wage would create jobs.

I wonder why she isn’t planning to run for president?

The Lesser Evil

You down with GOP? Hell no, not me! (Yellow Hammer News)

Republican Hopefuls Target Middle Class Uncertainty As Economy Improves.

Normally when I read a political article online, I cringe in disgust and would never even consider commenting on it within my blog. Unfortunately, though, this particular one was too hilarious to ignore.

By now, you’ve heard that nearly 20 Republicans are considering a run at their party’s presidential nomination. And the list of potential candidates includes the “usual suspects” (Jeb Bush, Rick Perry) as well as some not-so-new faces (Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz). Why are there so many, you ask?

More on that in a minute.

The article linked at the top of this page is hilarious to me because its bullshit is so obvious. It focuses on GOP presidential candidates’ efforts to connect with the middle class, who they will need if they hope to secure the White House next year. As they hone their possible campaign messages, one thing is abundantly clear, though: it’s Republicans who have been trying to destroy the middle class! And now they expect us to vote them into office?

Please.

Why are there so many potential GOP presidential candidates then? That’s easy: because they know only the lesser of 18+ evils has the slightest chance of representing them well… and potentially fooling the rest of us into thinking our country will be a better place with them in office.

I’m not saying Hillary is the obvious choice for president, mind you. I’m just saying that when it comes to GOP claims about helping middle-class Americans, don’t forget about the steps they’ve taken to stick it to us in the past.

And do we really expect that to change with a Republican president in office? I think not.

Tree Hugger

KENNETH CROWDER

Crowder just loves trees… a little too much (Brevard County Jail)

Some people love Mother Nature. And some people love her a bit too literally.

41-year-old Kenneth Crowder of Melbourne, Florida belongs in this second group.

Last Friday, Crowder was arrested after doing some crazy things under the influence of flakka, a synthetic drug similar in some respects to bath salts (i.e. the drug that causes users to rip people’s faces off and such).

Apparently, Crowder was seen running naked through a neighborhood and engaging in sexual acts with a tree. No details were provided, but I’m sure your imagination can fill in the blanks… especially if the tree had a knot hole in it. Of course, he likely could have done something with branches and leaves. Who the hell knows?

After molesting the tree, Crowder got dressed and was met by a police officer, who got freaked out when the dreadlocked man identified himself as God and started moving towards him aggressively. The officer used a Taser on Crowder, but he only yanked out the prongs, punched the officer, ripped the badge off his chest and tried to stab him with it.

Obviously, Crowder was arrested and charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, along with several additional charges.

And no, sexually assaulting Mother Nature was not one of them. Chalk it up as just another example of humans harming their environment, I guess.

No Bull

“You know how long it took me to collect that?” (Pixshark)

Last week, a farmer in Leroy, Minnesota had something very valuable stolen from him: a canister filled with vials of bull semen and valued at more than $70,000.

You know what that means, right?

PARTY IN MINNESOTA!

I’m kidding, of course. How gross…

Rocky Horrified

Can’t Fox just leave well-enough alone? (20th Century Fox)

Apparently, Fox is planning to make a TV version of the classic musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The original 1975 film—and cult classic—starred Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Meat Loaf and a host of others. And it permanently imprinted the dance steps to the Time Warp in the minds of anyone who watched it.

Now Fox thinks we need a new version? Give me a break.

I suppose my worst fear is true: Hollywood is out of original ideas. And I shudder to think what classic film or television show they plan to “relaunch” next.

Gilligan’s Island, anyone?

Farewell to Troy

Troy does his best Superman impression (NFL/Getty Images)

After 12 incredible seasons as a Pittsburgh Steeler, veteran safety and all-around defensive powerhouse Troy Polamalu plans to retire from the NFL. The announcement came down today and for most Steelers fans, the news was bittersweet.

Yes, Troy’s production has been waning for the last few years, primarily due to injury. But the fact is that without him, the Steelers wouldn’t have been the same team—and they surely wouldn’t have won two Super Bowls.

During his tenure, Troy was a difference maker, for lack of a better term. He broke Steelers’ defensive records, represented the team at eight Pro Bowls and was a leader in the locker room and on the field. Teammates respected him, fans loved him and opponents feared him.

And honestly, watching games without seeing his bushy hair flying around will be depressing, to say the least.

So on behalf of Steelers fans everywhere, I want to say thanks to Troy Polamalu—one of the greatest to wear the black and gold, and one hell of a great guy to boot. We’re going to miss you, my brother.

Dookies Rejoice!

The Blue Devils are national champs… AGAIN! (Bob Donnan/USA TODAY Sports/Reuters)

Congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils on their fifth men’s college basketball national championship!

Last night, Duke bested Frank Kaminsky and the Wisconsin Badgers 68-63 to take home the title.

Freshman Tyus Jones led his squad with 23 points and 5 rebounds, followed by out-of-nowhere freshman Grayson Allen, who added another 16 points to the mix.

Way to go, Duke! Let there be no doubt that when it comes to sheer power, the ACC is where it’s at! Woohoo!

Knobby News

That bull is packing! (Kimberly Scott/St. George News)

There must be something in the air this April Fools’ Day because nearly every major news site is running a story about the manliest of organs, the penis. And no, this is not a joke. Check it out.

Hurricane, Utah: The owner of Barista’s restaurant just had a large, copper statue of a bull altered on the sign outside his establishment. Residents were outraged by the original statue, which featured a rather large, cone-shaped phallus hanging between the bull’s legs. So Stephen Ward did the only thing he could—he had the animal’s genitalia removed. “I just decided it would look better without the weenie,” he said of the change. “And oh my God! It’s beautiful!” Of course, I’m almost certain that the bull would disagree.

Montreal, Canada: Are you looking for a church to call your own—one that pays homage to the twig-and-berries dangling between men’s legs? Then look no further than the Montreal chapter of the Temple of Priapus, a church that originally began in 1970s San Francisco to pay tribute to Priapus, the Greek fertility god. On its website—which I refuse to link for fear of penis pictures popping up all over my computer screen—the church explains how “the male sex organ is holy and that at least four hours a week should be devoted to masturbation or assisting others towards that goal.” Members attend worship services in the nude—which doesn’t bode well for those responsible for cleaning the pews—but thus far, only men have joined the church. Personally, I’m holding out for the Church of Latter-Day Tits & Ass to open later this year.

penis house

Breezy floor plan or erectile dysfunction? You be the judge! (LJ Hooker Mona Vale)

Sydney, Australia: Those in the market for a new home “down under” may want to visit Sherwin House, otherwise known as Buckingham Phallus, a home shaped like a penis currently up for sale. The house was created in 1958 by Stan Symonds, a well-known Australian architect. Yes, for the low price of only $853,000, you can experience testicular living at its best. Don’t worry, though. It shouldn’t be hard to finance given how soft the market’s been lately.

Gresham, Oregon: Our last story comes from the Tickle Creek area in Oregon where 53-year-old Michael Gordon Dick—yes, Dick—was recently arrested for public indecency. Apparently, Dick likes to flash female pedestrians and to “tickle his dick” in public. He was even arrested in 2008 for breaking into the home of an elderly woman while nude and assaulting her, an act which garnered him the sex offender moniker—as if the unfortunate name of Dick wasn’t enough.

So there you have it, people—your knobby news of the day. Enjoy it and please check back soon for Vaginal Verses, as well as a Breast-Of news segment currently in development. April Fools!

Coffee, Extra Cream

Careful! That may not be Coffee Mate! (Red Beans & Life)

Pat Maahs, a hardware store employee from New Brighton, Minnesota, often drank coffee to get her going in the morning. For six months, though, her coffee tasted kind of strange. She couldn’t pinpoint it, but something seemed rather off.

Then, in August 2014, she returned to her desk to find co-worker John Robert Lind standing over her coffee cup with a startled look on his face… and a strange puddle on the desk beside him.

“That’s when I put it together,” Maahs said later. “That’s what I had been tasting over previous occasions.”

Yes, it turned out that Lind had a crush on her and decided to do something to get noticed: he lightened her coffee with his own, self-generated cream. That’s right. He ejaculated into her java.

Lind was immediately arrested and charged with sexual assault after admitting to the coffee-creaming incident. According to court documents, he also confessed to ejaculating on Maahs’ desk and personal items on at least four different occasions.

Unfortunately, shooting your load into someone’s coffee and all over their possessions isn’t considered a sex crime in Minnesota, so the sex charges against Lind were dropped. No word yet on whether he will face any other charges.

Let this serve as a warning for anyone living in Minnesota: if you leave your office, take your coffee with you. That way the only milky white substance will be the creamer added by your barista at Starbuck’s… and here’s hoping that barista is female!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,381 other followers

%d bloggers like this: