Wasted

Andre Johnson: From Wu-Tang to Cut Thang (Go Metro)

Andre Johnson: From Wu-Tang to Cut Thang (Go Metro)

I realize this may sound terrible, but I read a few news stories today that were pretty disturbing—one involving someone who attempted suicide (in a very bizarre and painful way) and another involving someone who should probably give it a try soon. You may find that last bit rather harsh and unsettling, but I assure I only use it because I find this person’s actions so utterly reprehensible.

And who knows? In a moment, you might just agree with me.

First, however, I want to mention the poor bastard who attempted suicide, failed—thankfully—and now faces a host of other issues. He is none other than Andre Johnson (a.k.a. Christ Bearer), a rapper with the Wu-Tang affiliated group Northstar. Ever heard of him? Me neither, but his recent suicide attempt did make headlines… totally horrifying headlines, actually.

You see, Andre not only tried to take his own life by jumping out the second floor window of his North Hollywood apartment on Wednesday—which in retrospect doesn’t seem as if it would be all that effective. I mean, how high could it be? Seriously? Of course, this isn’t the disturbing part. What he did before he jumped is what had me cringing on the floor in the fetal position.

For no discernible reason, Andre cut off his own penis and then leaped out the window.

Police arrived a short time later to find the emasculated rapper lying facedown on the sidewalk with critical injuries. He was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and I can only assume that’s where he currently resides. Not many details have been released, but I do know he’s alive.

Other rappers on the scene assured police that drugs were not present and played no role in the penis-less diving incident, but many suspect that mental illness may have. Either way, Andre is lucky to be alive. His rap career may be over—Wu-Tang was quick to distance themselves from him… and I don’t know of many successful soprano rappers—but at least he’ll live to see another day.

Any chance the Wizard of Oz has an extra brain and heart to spare for Kimberley? (Facebook)

Any chance the Wizard of Oz has an extra heart and brain lying around? Kimberley could use them (Facebook)

Another person who’ll live to see another day—and perhaps shouldn’t—is 21-year-old Kimberley Davis of Port Fairy, Australia. She may be young and beautiful, but she’s also a living example of the expression what a waste.

On Monday, Davis pleaded guilty to dangerous driving and had to pay a hefty fine—punishment for an automobile collision she caused last September. Davis—an obviously spoiled brat with little to no regard for others—was driving and texting when she suddenly slammed into a bicyclist.

He suffered a spinal fracture, was told he may be paraplegic, underwent surgery and spent three months recovering in a spinal cage at Austin Hospital in Melbourne; she had her license suspended and had to cough up $4500, which to me seems like a small price to pay for such gross negligence. Of course, you will never convince Queen Davis of that. Just days after she ran this poor guy down, she had this to say to one of the responding officers:

I just don’t care because I’ve already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is, like, pretty expensive and now I have to fix it. I’m kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don’t agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn’t on my phone when I hit the cyclist.

Actually, police checked her phone records and discovered Davis used it 44 times before colliding with the cyclist. 44 times!

Can you feel me now?

Big Banging

The men of Big Bang always keep me laughing! (MidnaVocaloid/CBS)

The men of Big Bang always keep me laughing! (MidnaVocaloid/CBS)

I know that I’m a little behind since this news broke last month, but I want to give a quick “shout out” to the cast, writers and crew of arguably the best sitcom on television: The Big Bang Theory.

In March, CBS announced that it had renewed the popular comedy for three more years, effectively extending its life until 2017. Doing so actually made television history since TBBT became the first modern scripted program to be renewed for this length of time.

Granted, Comedy Central did the same for Tosh.0—which I suppose qualifies as a cable show rather than one on a major network—but let’s face it: Tosh.0 is no Big Bang Theory. I enjoy it, mind you, but I never wait for new episodes with the same excitement and anticipation as I do for Sheldon, Leonard, Penny and the rest of the Big Bang crowd.

So kudos, Big Bang, for making television history and—more importantly—thanks for providing us all with hilarious and intelligent entertainment. I know that I’ll be watching for the next three years… and perhaps even longer.

 

Double Take, Vol. XIX

Sticky Notes

The biggest scam ever perpetrated on humanity (Mobigloo)

The biggest scam ever perpetrated on humanity (Mobigloo)

The only thing they stick to is the pad they come on!

Tuesday Ticklers

This is the bone I aim to tickle today! (Peachey Keene)

This is the bone I aim to tickle today! (Peachey Keene)

At first glance, my title may seem rather inappropriate—maybe even sexual—but I assure you the tickling to be done involves only one body part: your funny bone. I haven’t been able to read today’s headlines, thanks to some early business I was forced to attend to, but yesterday provided me with plenty of humorous material. And with any luck, what follows will bring a smile to your face and maybe even produce a quiet chuckle or two.

Unfortunately, I am unable to embed videos in my blog, but check THIS out on YouTube. It shows a very drunk man trying desperately to get through a fence, yet failing at every turn. At least until a young boy shows him the way. If nothing else, this is proof positive that extreme drunkenness and problem-solving simply do not mix. Poor bastard.

Now consider this, especially if you plan to travel to Germany anytime soon or—better yet—if you’re there already: It was just reported that the German city of Munich—site of the 1972 Summer Olympics and the infamous massacre of Israeli athletes—has legalized public nudity by creating six “urban naked zones” around the city. Now those hindered by clothing can strip down and go about their daily business without fear of persecution.

Backpacks just became essential in Munich's nudity zones. Where else are you going to put your keys? (Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP)

Backpacks just became essential in Munich’s nudity zones. Where else are you going to put your keys? (Marcio Jose Sanchez/AP)

Of course, nudity is nothing new in Germany. The country’s first nude beach—Sylt—opened in 1920. And in 2012, Germans were named most likely to sunbathe nude by the travel website Expedia. I actually had the opportunity to visit Germany in the early 1990s, so I was able to confirm their love of nudity firsthand. Honestly, it wasn’t so much a love of nudity as a lack of shame. The German girls I met—and even the guys—were willing to strip almost anytime the mood struck them. And that’s one of the reasons I love the German people so much—they simply don’t give a shit about what others think and instead do what feels right.

And believe me… naked women from any country always feel right to me!

Our final tickling tale involves a rare medical condition—and by no means am I making light of this serious disorder—but its inherent humor is impossible for me to resist. It concerns Amanda Gryce, a 24-year-old woman suffering from Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD).

PGAD—formerly known as Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome—causes “spontaneous, persistent, and uncontrollable genital arousal in women, with or without orgasm or genital engorgement, unrelated to any feelings of sexual desire” (Wikipedia). In other words, those afflicted with this disorder can sometimes have tens or even hundreds of unprovoked orgasms each day.

Gryce has suffered from PGAD since the age of six and stays in a permanent state of sexual arousal. Each day, she has up to 50 uncontrolled orgasms and even the slightest vibrations can set her off—like hitting a bump in the road while driving or having her cell phone vibrate in her pocket. Fortunately, abstinence and regular physical therapy have reduced her symptoms, but she will likely never be rid of them completely.

Some women can't have orgasms, while others can't stop having them (Vanessa's Secrets/YouTube)

Some women can’t have orgasms, while others can’t stop having them (Vanessa’s Secrets/YouTube)

Or think of it this way—especially you gentlemen out there: If you ever wondered why some women never have orgasms, it might be because women like Gryce are hogging them all!

I’m kidding, of course. I truly hope this poor woman finds some peace. And we should give her boyfriend a hand for standing by her. Seriously… since abstinence is a big part of Gryce’s treatment, he’s probably going to need it!

The Blood Moon

Look for tonight's blood moon around 2-3 a.m. (Steve Margala/Astronomy for Beginners)

Look for tonight’s blood moon around 2-3 a.m. (Steve Margala/Astronomy for Beginners)

If there are any astronomy buffs in the crowd, then I’m sure you are all preparing for tonight’s lunar festivities—especially if you live in the Americas and don’t mind staying up until the wee hours of the morning.

Starting at around 2 a.m. Tuesday morning, the first of four total lunar eclipses slated for 2014-2015 will begin, resulting in what is known as a Hunter’s Moon or—more commonly—a blood moon. The moon takes on this sanguine hue as it passes through Earth’s shadow, which has been described as being the color of a desert sunset.

In other words, it’s incredibly beautiful, provided you can stay up until 3 a.m. or so. That’s when the moon should be bloody as hell, but sadly, this effect will start to fade roughly an hour later.

The good news is that if you miss tonight’s blood moon, you will get three more chances to see it during what is known as a tetrad—a series of four consecutive lunar eclipses scheduled for April 15th and October 8th of 2014, as well as April 4th and September 28th of 2015. And believe me when I say that tetrads like these are incredibly rare. Some NASA experts equate them to drawing a four-of-a-kind in poker, which any poker player can tell you happens only once in a blue moon… or a red one, for that matter.

Of course, celestial events like blood moons can also lead to Biblical hysteria and prophecy-making… and this event is no exception considering the Book of Revelations 6:12-14 mentions the Hunter’s Moon specifically: “When he opened the sixth seal, I looked, and behold, there was a great earthquake, and the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the stars of the sky fell to earth as the fig tree sheds its winter fruit when shaken by a gale.”

Pastors Blitz and Hagee "prophesizing" (Calling the Roll/My Catbird Seat)

Pastors Blitz and Hagee “prophesizing” (Calling the Roll/My Catbird Seat)

Enter the Blood Moon Prophecy, an idea popularized by John Hagee and Mark Blitz, two Christian pastors. Blitz actually came up with this idea in 2008 and has been preaching that the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will occur in 2015—this tetrad, in other words, signals the beginning of the end for humanity. Hagee brought Blitz’s ideas back into the spotlight when he published Four Blood Moons in 2013, only he viewed the tetrad as evidence of some major historical change to come—especially for Israel since tetrads always seem to coincide with important events in Jewish history.

Personally, I see tonight’s blood moon as nothing more than an interesting lunar event worth checking out if you’re awake when it happens. Since I consider myself to be an open-minded person, though, I suppose it’s at least possible it could mean something more—especially if Jesus appears once the tetrad ends on September 29, 2015!

At that point, I would probably be willing to reconsider my religious affiliation… or lack thereof…

Double Take, Vol. XVIII

Despite of a freak accident that decapitated its star gymnast, the Bulgarian national team still managed to take home the gold (Perfectly Timed Photos)

Despite a freak accident that decapitated its star gymnast, the Bulgarians still managed to take home the gold (Perfectly Timed Photos)

Double Take, Vol. XVII

Is it possible the birds know something we don't? (Perfectly Timed Photos)

Is it possible the birds know something we don’t? (Perfectly Timed Photos)

Intoxicated Idiocy

If Snoop Lion likes Hot Pockets, then they must be good! (Nestle/Facebook)

If Snoop Lion likes Hot Pockets, then they must be good! (Nestle/Facebook)

If you have ever been drunk or stoned, then odds are you have probably done something idiotic while under the influence. And if you truly “tied one on,” then you may have even awoken the next morning with no memory of your drug-induced exploits. It has been known to happen, after all.

Of course, coming to your senses and finding yourself in police custody is far less common, but even this has been known to happen. Just ask 19-year-old Brian McCurren, a college student at Notre Dame who recently experienced this firsthand.

Early Sunday morning, McCurren was arrested for vandalism, alleged burglary and underage consumption—he admitted to smoking synthetic marijuana and drinking. And when police administered a Breathalyzer test later, he blew a .106, which obviously surpassed the legal blood-alcohol level of .08.

I’m sure none of this is very surprising, but when you hear what McCurren did prior to his arrest, I think you’ll agree that he should seriously reevaluate his drug and alcohol consumption.

McCurren and some of his handiwork (WNDU-TV)

McCurren and some of his handiwork (WNDU-TV)

According to police, a highly intoxicated McCurren went to Therapeutic Indulgence—a massage parlor in South Bend, Indiana—tossed a flower pot through a stained glass window to break in, and then smashed through a wall with a hammer to get inside. Once there, he proceeded to destroy furniture, lamps, mirrors and other equipment before moving into the kitchen—and that’s where things truly took a bizarre turn.

Apparently, the synthetic weed that McCurren smoked still produced what potheads refer to as the munchies because the next thing he did was to start eating. His feast began with a half box of Hot Pockets, followed by some macaroni and cheese he started to heat in an “antique style oven.” While it was cooking, he sat down at a table to enjoy some Drumsticks—delicious ice cream treats some of you may know as nutty buddies.

And that is exactly where the police found him a short time later: passed out at the same table with a Drumstick in his hand. What’s more, the unattended mac-and-cheese set off the fire alarm and likely would have burned the place down—with McCurren still inside—if police hadn’t arrived when they did.

Frazier inspects the damage (WNDU-TV)

Frazier inspects the damage (WNDU-TV)

“The police actually pulled it out and threw it in the sink because it was so toasted, but [McCurren] was sleeping through the fire alarm and everything,” parlor owner Sara Ros Frazier told WNDU-TV News. “He could have burned the house down.”

Thankfully, that never happened. And when McCurren finally sobered up, he had no recollection of how he arrived at the massage parlor or what he was doing there.

If ever there was a better example of someone who should remain sober, in other words, he would have to be it!

The Need to Kill

Mickey and Mallory Knox from "Natural Born Killers" (Warner Brothers)

Mickey and Mallory Knox from “Natural Born Killers” (Warner Brothers)

On March 12th in Phoenix, Arizona, 12-year-old Austin Tapia was sitting at home, playing video games while his mother and two sisters went out to get dinner. As they were leaving, they noticed 27-year-old Andrew Ward—Austin’s half-brother—walking toward the home, but still went about their business and left the young boy home alone.

This is a decision Austin’s mother will likely regret for the rest of her life.

Around 5:30 that afternoon, Ward phoned police from a local convenience store and told them he had stabbed someone. When the cops arrived, they found Ward covered in blood and—a short time later—discovered Austin’s body. They questioned Ward about the murder and asked him why he killed the young boy—and his reply was pretty chilling, to say the least.

“Honestly, I just felt like killing.”

Needless to say, Ward was arrested and charged with first-degree murder and child abuse. He pleaded not guilty, but his confession was enough to land him in Lower Buckeye Jail—his 12th jail visit since 2006.

Andrew Ward just felt like killing (AP)

Andrew Ward just felt like killing (AP)

In other words, Ward and crime seem to go hand-in-hand. Unfortunately, though, jail wasn’t enough to contain his need to kill because last Wednesday night, he claimed yet another victim: 33-year-old Douglas Walker, a convicted armed robber and Ward’s cellmate for three weeks.

Officers discovered Walker dead in his cell after inmates reported a fight. A peanut butter sandwich and plastic bag had been shoved down his throat, he had been beaten severely, his neck had been slit using a playing card and his eyes had been gouged out with a golf pencil. Ward immediately confessed to beating and choking his cellmate. He also told detectives that he had “no regrets for the attack,” but his motive remains unknown… or does it?

If you ask me, what we have here is a natural born killer… not someone especially skilled at killing, but someone who feels impelled to kill. And since psychiatric experts cleared Ward following the murder of his half-brother—sending him to jail rather than a mental hospital, which he originally requested (as if criminals have a right to choose)—it’s probably safe to assume that other natural born killers with deep emotional issues or mental problems still walk among us.

It’s a comforting thought, isn’t it?

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