World Champs!

USA v Japan: Final - FIFA Women's World Cup 2015

The U.S. women will bring the World Cup trophy stateside! (Dennis Grombkowski/Getty Images)

Congratulations to the U.S. Women’s National Team!

Thanks to a strong offensive attack—including a hat trick of goals from Carli Lloyd, the first ever to achieve this feat in the FIFA Women’s World Cup—the USA defeated defending champion Japan 5-2 to bring home the trophy.

It’s their first national title since 1999 and their third overall.

“Pure elation” is how head coach Jill Ellis described the victory. “I’m just so, so proud of this team. I’m so happy for them, so happy for every little girl who dreams about this.”

In the highest scoring final in Women’s World Cup history, the U.S. struck early and often, with the first goal coming in the third minute—the fastest ever scored in this competition.

By the 16th minute, the U.S. led 4-0 and never looked back. And now they are the undisputed world champions.

Way to go, USA!

Trumped

If this happens, then we are truly screwed (Salon.com)

Believe it or not, but there are currently 18 candidates hoping to be nominated for the 2016 presidential election—and one of them is none other than Donald Trump, the real estate mogul with perhaps the worst hair in American history.

Carrot Top has him beat, but that’s a story for another day.

Earlier this month, Trump announced he would be running for the Republican nomination and decided to punctuate his speech with these derogatory remarks concerning immigration:

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you,” he said. “They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Yep. This GOP candidate actually referred to Mexican immigrants as rapists, but he didn’t stop there—despite both NBC and Univision cutting ties with him. Trump recently called in to Don Lemon’s CNN show The Situation Room to further explain his remarks… and to make himself look like even more of an idiot.

The guy can’t even manage his hair, much less a whole country! (Pinterest)

“Well if you look at the statistics of people coming, you look at the statistics on rape, on crime, on everything coming in illegally into this country it’s mind-boggling!”

Lemon explained that 80% of females coming from Central America are victims of rape while traveling to the United States—in an effort to educate the hair-challenged land magnate—but Trump couldn’t leave well enough alone and dug an even deeper hole for himself.

“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

And this jackass wants to be president? Yeah, right. He’s got about as much of a chance as Chris Christie, which certainly isn’t saying much.

Too bad there isn’t someone who can toss Trump out of the race with his signature phrase, “You’re fired!” It would save the media—not to mention the general public—a whole lot of time and energy.

Never Forget

Rescuers pull the baby elephant out of danger (Facebook/The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust)

Despite returning from a long beach vacation and having plenty of other subjects to write about—including all the hypocrisy surrounding the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision to legalize same-sex marriage (some people apparently don’t think we all deserve to be happy)—I choose instead to write about a heartwarming story I just found during my daily perusal of the headlines.

The story involves a baby elephant in Kenya who was recently trapped in a muddy watering hole. A herd of elephants stood by helplessly as one of their own started to drown—the embankment was far too muddy and slippery for them to manage, so all they could basically do was watch and panic.

Fortunately, members of the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust’s Voi Elephant Keepers were contacted and quickly came to help. The herd was upset and seemed ready to charge any time, but luckily these good Samaritans were able to approach the muddy ditch and attempt a rescue.

“The rescue proved extremely challenging with two wild elephant herds highly charged and remaining at the scene trying their level best to protect their baby, and by doing so inhibiting the rescue team from approaching,” it said on the group’s Facebook page. “They just want to protect their babies, not knowing whether you are there to help or hurt.”

The herd welcomes the baby back (Facebook/The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust)

Thankfully, rescuers were able to cordon of the area, attach straps to the young elephant and pull her to safety. She immediately rushed back to the herd, which quickly surrounded her and ushered her back into the fold.

The old adage is that elephants never forget. And research has shown that strong recall powers play a significant role in how they survive.

I guarantee the members of this particular herd remember that on this day, humans didn’t attempt to hurt or kill them; they helped. And to me, that’s as heartwarming as it can get.

Holy Shih Tzu!

Sadly, the creep in this story gave a little too much (Zazzle)

No one said marriage would be easy. And a woman in Alabama just learned this the hard way.

On Friday night, 39-year-old Jonathan Edward Medley of Geneva, Alabama was arrested and charged with animal cruelty.

Apparently, his wife thought he was cheating on her, so she set up a hidden recording device in their home hoping to catch him in the act. And believe me, she caught something I’m sure she never expected.

Medley was supposedly upset with his wife for showing her dog more attention than she showed him. So what did he do to get back at her?

He molested her two-year-old, ten-pound shih tzu Buster.

Fortunately for Medley, Alabama got rid of its bestiality law and he was only charged with a misdemeanor. I hope this doesn’t encourage more sex with animals in the state, but I’m certain it will do little to deter it.

The good news is that Buster has been checked out and is doing fine. Whether or not he ever trusts another human male remains to be seen, though.

Blind Justice

Blinded - The Chive

Is it possible this explains why I’ve needed glasses for most of my life? (The Chive)

Jackass of the Day VIII

I see a check written out to me for an obscene amount of money in your future (Doubtful News)

It’s been some time since I’ve recognized someone as the Jackass of the Day, but the perfect candidate came along recently and I just had to show them some love. Unfortunately, this individual’s name was not mentioned in the article I read. They know who they are, though, of that you can be sure.

Today’s award recipient lives in New York and just turned in his psychic—Priscilla Delmaro—and an accomplice—Bobby Evans—to police. They now face charges of grand larceny and, as far as I know, remain in jail.

And when you hear what happened, I’m sure you will understand why the so-called “victim” received the award.

The New York man in question—who I will call Paulie for lack of a better name—was apparently in love with a woman named Michelle, but his love was not returned. To tip the scales in his favor, Paulie decided to visit a psychic.

Enter Delmaro.

In August 2013, Delmaro told Paulie his love for Michelle was unrequited due to evil spirits and negativity that were keeping these “twin flames” apart. Over the course of twenty months, Paulie made numerous payments to Delmaro, including the following: $30,000 for a Rolex watch, $80,000 for a supernatural bridge to trap evil spirits and $40,000 for a diamond ring from Tiffany’s to “protect his energy.”

Perhaps famed psychic Gary Spivey can help (Republican Eagle)

As if this wasn’t enough, Paulie discovered that Michelle had died in February 2014 and should have terminated his psychic relationship, but didn’t. Instead, Delmaro claimed that Michelle could be reincarnated and solicited even more money from Paulie. By the time it was all said-and-done, Paulie had spent more than $700,000.

And that’s when he went to police.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to consider Delmaro and Evans as criminals since Paulie is obviously a complete idiot. Anyone willing to spend so much money for spiritual aid—which never paid off—deserves nothing less than the Jackass of the Day award.

And it only cost him $700K. Now that’s a bargain!

Baby Killer?

Like we need a chart to tell us this (Blogography)

Like we need a chart to tell us this (Blogography)

Anyone who has read my blog likely knows that I am not a religious person. In fact, I’m quickly becoming anti-religious based on how judgemental, hypocritical and downright mean some religious people can be.

I am also baffled by some of the stupid things I hear religious people say—even those viewed as religious leaders, like right-wing televangelist Pat Robertson, for instance.

Recently, a woman wrote in to The 700 Club, Robertson’s cable television program, and asked for help in comforting a friend who just lost a young child. Here’s how Robertson chose to respond:

“As far as God’s concerned, He knows the end from the beginning and He sees a little baby and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler,” Robertson said. “He could grow up to be Joseph Stalin, he could grow up to be some serial killer, or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease.”

In other words, God killed this child to prevent him from turning into some evil monster or dying from some terrible affliction.

Of course, this doesn’t explain why so many still live and suffer from horrible diseases. Or why maniacs like Sadaam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden were permitted to live while so many innocent people died at their hands.

I know Pat Robertson is older and his mind is likely slipping, but he should still know better. And this guy has his own television show, for goodness sake!

A Symbolic Gesture

Hard to be a neo-Nazi when you can't even draw a swastika!

Hard to be a neo-Nazi when you can’t even draw a swastika!

Identity Crisis

“I had testicles? No way!” (Funny or Die)

For the last week or so, the Internet—and every media outlet, for that matter—has been abuzz with news about Caitlyn Jenner, former Olympian Bruce Jenner’s new female identity.

Jenner’s courage in not only choosing to switch genders, but also publicly announcing this very personal decision, has made her an inspiration to thousands around the world.

In fact, her bravery was such an inspiration to pop star Justin Bieber that he decided to make his own announcement. Effective immediately, Bieber will self-identify as male.

Now if he can only figure out what he did with those testicles?

Stinky Justice

Eastbank Esplanade incident

Next time, keep it in your pants (Ashley Korslien/Twitter)

Last Thursday in Portland, Oregon, a 48-year-old homeless man entered a Port-a-Potty toilet in a very public area and decided to do something other than poop.

He started masturbating and exposed himself through the portable toilet’s door to everyone in his immediate vicinity—including other homeless people, who asked him to stop numerous times. And when he didn’t, they took the law into their own hands.

They immediately toppled the potty and left him to stew in his—and others’—pee and dookie.

A Portland Fire and Rescue crew arrived to help the feces-covered fondler out of the potty, but Sgt. Willie Halliburton of the police department chose not to arrest him.

“I think justice has been done.”

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