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Gassed Up

Good luck consuming one of these without farting! (Case Pork Roll Company)

In February 2014, 70-year-old Richard Clem was fired from his comptroller job for something you may never imagine: flatulence.

Yes, you read that correctly. Poor Richard was terminated for farting too much, but at least he had a good excuse. When he was originally hired, Clem weighed a whopping 420 pounds. In October 2010, however, he underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost more than 100 pounds in the process. Unfortunately, the procedure was not without side effects, which included “extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea.”

His employer should probably count himself lucky that the former prompted Clem’s termination rather than the latter, huh?

By 2013, Clem’s condition worsened and supposedly caused a “significant disruption in the workplace.” Clem was asked to work from home to reduce the “odor in the office,” but was fired on February 28, 2014 nonetheless. His wife quit the same day due to all the “harassment and discrimination” her spouse faced. And last month, she filed a lawsuit against her employers, alleging they violated the Americans with Disabilities Act regarding Clem’s obesity and related issues.

I admit this story tickled my funny bone a little since the cause for Clem’s termination was flatulence. However, I support his case because of the nature of his employer. You see, Clem worked for the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey—the manufacturer of “old-fashioned, hickory-smoked pork rolls,” according to their website.

Now if that isn’t entrapment, I don’t know what is!

Mother of the Year

Austen planned to give her daughter the worst birthday present ever! (Picslist)

Ask almost anyone who the most important person in their life is and a large percentage of people will likely say their mothers. After all, none of us would be here without them. And in most cases, mothers are there to help, support and nurture their kids. They lift us up when we’re down, remind us of our self-worth and understand how important the mother-child bond is with regard to our personal growth and development.

Every so often, though, a mother goes astray and does things more damaging than nurturing. And in some cases, what they do is downright stupid.

One such mom is Nicola Austen from the United Kingdom. And believe me—she won’t be winning any Mother of the Year awards anytime soon.

Last February, Austen’s daughter was going to turn 18, so mom decided to celebrate in style. Her plan was to rent a limousine and to head to London for a good time. To fuel their celebration, though, Austen ignored her motherly instincts and purchased some disturbing party favors: 12 bags of cocaine weighing more than eight grams.

Fortunately, Austen’s plans never materialized. In late January—and because she had six prior convictions, including one for methamphetamine possession—police paid her a little visit… and they brought a police dog with them. It didn’t take long for the curious canine to sniff out the coke, so Austen confessed. She got lucky, though. Because she had a young son who would suffer if she were tossed in jail—as well as a grandmother she cared for—the judge let her remain free. Her sentence was suspended and all she has to do now is complete 250 hours of community service.

Austen’s lucky she lives across the pond because if this happened in the States, her next Mother’s Day (or ten) would likely be spent behind bars. Talk about being born under a good sign!

The Biggest Loser

Brewton appears to be growing some kind of hair hat (Spartanburg PD)

Before I begin, I should make it clear that the title of this post does not reference the NBC reality show of the same name. Instead, it focuses on actual losers, not those who lose tons of weight. I do want to commend individuals who shed poundage, though. Keep up the good work!

No, the losers mentioned here won’t be featured on television, celebrated for their achievements or applauded for changing their lives in positive ways. Quite the opposite, actually. But one thing is for certain: they are all entertaining in their own ways. Don’t take my word for it, though. Read on and see who you feel is THE BIGGEST LOSER.

SPARTANBURG, SC: 46-year-old Annetta Brewton had a pretty interesting Tuesday, to say the least. She visited a strip mall, entered a Sav-A-Lot store and was seen shoplifting several steaks by shoving them in her shirt. Before the police could respond to the call placed by a store employee who witnessed the theft, though, Brewton left and entered a second store. This time, she didn’t steal anything; she just started begging for money and fondling other shoppers. When she was asked to leave, Brewton started cursing, dropped her pants and flashed her lady parts… but she didn’t stop there. She then ran down the street, broke into an elderly woman’s home and asked the lady to play cards with her.

Rubin assaulted strangers with urine (Multnomah County Sheriff)

By the time police arrived, Brewton had locked herself inside and refused to leave because she was using the toilet. And yes, her pants were down again. She was arrested, of course, but then kicked out the back window of the police car on the way to the station. Needless to say, she now faces charges that include burglary, indecent exposure, kidnapping and shoplifting. Sadly, styling her hair in a pseudo “uni-brow” isn’t a crime, but it likely should be.

PORTLAND, OR: Our next loser is 27-year-old Jeff Rubin, who was arrested last Friday after his JetBlue flight arrived at Portland International Airport. Apparently, Rubin slept through most of the flight, but stood up shortly before landing and started to pee on the passengers in front of him. At one point he even lost his balance, fell backwards and continued to spray everything—and everyone—around him. No one knows what motivated Rubin to provide golden shower service to those on the flight with him, but he was arrested and now faces charges of offensive littering and criminal mischief.

Good luck maintaining eye contact with King (Palm Beach County Jail)

WEST PALM BEACH, FL: Our final loser is 33-year-old Jefferson King, who was arrested at Burger King last week for a Whopper of a crime. According to eyewitnesses, King was seen sitting near the bathrooms and playing not with his burger, but with his hot dog. And yes, by “hot dog” I do mean his penis. A woman witnessed his self-love and asked what he was doing. “I’m playing with my penis!” he exclaimed. A manager asked King to leave, but he refused and continued to slap his salami. Officers were called and arrested King for indecent exposure, but even then he said that he had done nothing wrong. Judging from his mug shot, though, it seems public masturbation is the least of King’s problems!

Who is the biggest loser of the bunch, you ask? Hell, I think all three deserve the honor!

Jackass of the Day Award IX

Laszlo getting involved in the worst possible way (Reuters/Marko Djurica)

Although it’s been awhile since my last Jackass of the Day Award—and I could have published endless editions given how stupid some people are—a clear frontrunner entered the fray this week. Her name is Petra Laszlo and she is a journalist working for N1TV, the Hungarian nationalist television network.

And believe me… this woman could easily win Jackass of the Year. No one else even comes close.

While covering refugees fleeing from police in Roszke—near the Serbian border—Laszlo apparently wanted more engaging footage (pun intended) and decided to create it herself.

In one scene released via the Internet, she trips a man carrying a child, sending them both to the ground to be apprehended by pursuing officers. And in another scene—in the midst of a fleeing crowd—Laszlo can be seen kicking two refugee children.

The new face of evil (Daily Entertainment News)

Fortunately, social media exploded with outrage and Laszlo was later fired by N1TV. She may even face charges of violence against a member of the community, a crime that could carry a substantial prison sentence.

I, for one, hope they throw the book at this loser. Fabricating stories and sparking controversy are not new tactics in media and journalism, but violence is violence no matter how you slice it.

Congratulations, Laszlo. You truly deserve to be Jackass of the Day—if not Bitch of the Decade. And good luck finding a new job. I hear the anal thermometer testing center is hiring.

Reality Check

Reality is always stranger than fiction (Melissa Agnes)

Have you ever woken up to a new day and felt that everything was right with the universe?

Me neither. And once I settle in to read the daily news, I quickly realize just how messed up the universe truly is, especially in this little corner of it. Take some of today’s stories, for instance… otherwise known as today’s reality checks.

In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, a man in a white van has been tossing paper airplanes into yards where kids are playing. This wouldn’t be an issue except for one important fact: the planes are made from pages torn out of pornographic magazines. The perpetrator is said to be a white man between the ages of 18-25 and he is still on the loose. Here’s hoping they apprehend this pervert sometime soon.

Weatherford uses pee to defend himself (Evansville PD)

In Evansville, Indiana, 84-year-old Charles Weatherford was recently arrested for battery after getting into a heated argument with a 13-year-old boy over some broken bricks on his property. Granted, an argument normally isn’t enough to warrant arrest, but Weatherford didn’t just lash out with words; he also dumped a bowl full of his urine over the boy’s head and claimed it was self-defense. I suppose the boy should be glad he wasn’t attacked with something even more odoriferous, huh?

And in Tokyo, Japan, a graduate student spurned by his cheating wife marched into a law office, beat the crap out of her lover, yanked down the man’s pants, cut his penis off with gardening shears and later flushed it down the toilet. Fortunately, his victim will live, but this should warrant some kind of cliché about a man scorned, don’t you think?

How’s that for a reality check?

Bushwhacked

“You come here often, baby?” (ctpost.com)

It looks like Jeb isn’t the only Bush making headlines these days.

Enter Wallace Berg, an 81-year-old Connecticut man whose name may as well be “Dick Green.”

Last month, a neighbor saw Berg outside his Stratford home doing some gardening, of sorts. Actually, he was witnessed naked and allegedly “humping” a bush, but I suppose that counts as gardening in some deranged, kinky way.

After all, Berg was tending to his plants.

When his neighbor confronted him, Berg apparently got embarrassed, clothed himself in a nearby grill cover, apologized and disappeared into his home. Unfortunately, the video footage his neighbor collected during the bushwhacking was all authorities needed to charge him with public indecency. He was later released on $10,000 bond.

Man, I just had the best idea for a new dating/florist website!

Silent, Not Deadly

The golden age of flatulence is upon us! (Plaintips.com/Shreddies)

Do you suffer from uncontrollable and embarrassing flatulence? Have you ever wished for clothing designed to filter or conceal the foul odor associated with excessive farting?

Well, wish no more, my gassy friends. Help has finally arrived.

Shreddies, the British company that introduced the world to fart-filtering underwear, has just announced the arrival of pajamas and jeans designed to keep your ass stench in check.

“You can wear your Shreddies Jeans and Pyjamas with your regular underwear, team them with a pair of Shreddies pants for double protection, or if you’re feeling brave, why not skip the underwear completely!? You’ll never have to worry about those moments again,” according to a press release on the company’s website.

Using the same Filtrex system as its fart-free underwear, the new Shreddies jeans and pajamas should make flatulence fun again. Now you can unleash your silent-but-deadly emissions without fear of discovery or ridicule.

Unfortunately, though, Shreddies only muffle smells, not sounds. So it’s probably still a good idea to find a private place to unload. Better safe than sorry, after all.

The Male Condition

EM can strike at any time without warning (Twitter/Awkward Boners)

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.

Uncaged

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Now sharks won’t have the last laugh… the rest of us will! (Shannon Broskie/Twitter)

Leave it to North Carolina to garner headlines even more ridiculous than the ones focusing on our inept state government and voter identification laws.

The latest embarrassment comes from Kill Devil Hills on the coast, where two visitors from Virginia decided to vacation despite a slew of shark attacks this summer. Fortunately, they thought ahead and brought something to protect them from Jaws and his mates: individual shark cages.

And yes, these “inventors” actually tried to walk into the water with them—at least until a lifeguard asked them to return to shore.

The “shark proof cage inventions” were made from PVC pipe and would likely do very little to stave off sharks. But you have to admit they look good, right?

Holy Shih Tzu!

Sadly, the creep in this story gave a little too much (Zazzle)

No one said marriage would be easy. And a woman in Alabama just learned this the hard way.

On Friday night, 39-year-old Jonathan Edward Medley of Geneva, Alabama was arrested and charged with animal cruelty.

Apparently, his wife thought he was cheating on her, so she set up a hidden recording device in their home hoping to catch him in the act. And believe me, she caught something I’m sure she never expected.

Medley was supposedly upset with his wife for showing her dog more attention than she showed him. So what did he do to get back at her?

He molested her two-year-old, ten-pound shih tzu Buster.

Fortunately for Medley, Alabama got rid of its bestiality law and he was only charged with a misdemeanor. I hope this doesn’t encourage more sex with animals in the state, but I’m certain it will do little to deter it.

The good news is that Buster has been checked out and is doing fine. Whether or not he ever trusts another human male remains to be seen, though.

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